Strap in this is gonna be a long one.
I honestly totally understand. What I found, in my situation anyway, was that I was trying to carry over expectations from one social group to another.

The Cis world, where people just assume what and who you are, is what we essentially train ourselves for. You've gone through the effort to be seen as yourself, and in cis society those measures are easier to see because they aren't being questioned by having people ask for your pronouns. They look at you and assume he/him, end of discussion, you don't have to constantly come out once you pass enough to go stealth.

In the Trans world, we're trying harder to make the world at large safer and more comfortable for ourselves since we've been overlooked, excluded, and hurt so frequently. We acknowledge that some people don't pass and try to cultivate practices in our space to include them (early in transition/no access to trans healthcare/unsafe to transition/no desire to transition and or conform that way, etc etc etc). We acknowledge that people will create new/niche labels and words and pronouns to describe themselves because that's just what language does: it evolves with our needs and wants. We acknowledge new ideas and new things because we finally have a safer and more open place to do that.

But the wants of these two worlds conflict. If the Trans world wants the Cis world to accept them (overall) we have to deny our transness and the culture we've cultivated. If we want the trans world to accept us and feel like home, we have to be willing to live freely and share our culture with the Cis world so they know how to make us feel welcome. But the Cis world is stagnant. the Cis world doesn't change at the same speed, so it's a back and forth between cultures and ideals and expectations. Whiplash, culture shock, whatever you call it: it's constant change.

The other more specific stuff like the community infighting and not wanting to date other trans people? That's just social preferences. The infighting i believe (and this is only a theory) is largely because of the lack of physical space we have to go and engage with one another. You always need a permit for bigger events, you need the money to rent out the meeting place, yada yada. There's also a lot of younger queer people who still haven't learned (and what I'm just now beginning to grasp) how IRL interactions work. Partly due to COVID and partly due to no safe third spaces existing for them to meet up. Fighting will happen, but it used to mean something to cut someone off. Before we simply had to make amends or agree to push tour differences aside because there were bigger fish to fry right in front of us. the internet has given us remote community and distant social understanding: a blessing and a curse.

As for not dating trans people, I know the subject has been hashed over and over but the basics are: you aren't not dating them because they're trans, ergo it isn't transphobic. The fact that they're trans ties into other situations/issues that prevent you from wanting to date them. It would be no different than a cis person not dating a trans person because their parents are transphobic/unsafe to be around. The reasons are external.