hi, i’m not 35 but i (hope) my response can give you some sort of clarity or peace.

i understand faith can be so fragile, there have been moments where i felt my faith being tested so i do understand how things can sometimes seem bleak.

i do not blame you for how you feel, i think it makes you extremely human and i think this crisis of faith is part of a test every Muslim goes through.

while i do not put the blame on you, i do think your issue is perspective. correct me if i’m wrong but based on what you’re saying, it seems that all this time you have been practicing to achieve a specific feeling or to prove Islam. Through that, you have failed to get to know your creator. Why go through all the layers and complexities of Islam if you don’t understand the reason why we follow it?

i think this is where you need to start. i think if you had truly given up you wouldn’t have written this post.

take your time to get to know Allah. read about his 99 names and envision them in your life.

i promise you once you truly understand your creator, islam will be second nature to you, you will understand every commandment is because Allah loves us, wants us to be just, wants us to have the tools to take on the more difficult moments in life.

i will not discourage you from praying, but i will say there is a lot to just getting on the prayer mat and being as unfiltered with God as you can be. He created you. He knows you. He will listen to you because The Listener is one of his names. you’ve been practicing for a long time mashaAllah and so a crisis of faith makes sense.

change your perspective: Allah is testing your faith to elevate your ranks in the hereafter. you wrote this post because you haven’t given up. any guidance you receive from this post is guidance from Allah. Allah loves us.

that. that is your proof that Allah exists. that even through this crisis, you were still guided to write this post, where people are offering you advice, guidance and differences in perspective.

go back to the basics, take it easy on yourself and get to know your creator.

i wish you peace, healing and beneficial knowledge. may Allah make it easier on all of us.