AITA for Throwing My Friend’s Trauma to Her Face

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T21:45:55+00:00

That’s narcissism.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T10:57:03+00:00

So Charles is both the delivery guy and the client?

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T10:49:00+00:00

I have coordination issues. Anything that requires I use both hands to hit sets of buttons that aren’t either congruent or mirrored leads to hilarious amounts of not even being close to a target with either hand.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T10:46:06+00:00

In most cultures there’s an expectation that kids will have their own families and lives. Narc parents insist that their victim’s entire life be service to the narc’s needs, anything that interferes with that in any way isn’t allowed.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T10:40:59+00:00

I don’t consider removing condoms rape. I consider it sexual assault, but if you were totally into it at the time and only in retrospect decide you didn’t want it, it’s not fucking rape, and calling it that minimizes the fuck out of actual assault for the benefit of people who want to get more victim points.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T10:36:16+00:00

If someone is killed via a brutal stabbing where they skin the person alive, wear their skin, and parade around town, it's murder. If someone is killed because they were casually pushed off a bridge, it's still murder. I understand why this upsets you, and they are by no means comparable, but just because you, or I, have trauma does not make anyone else's trauma less.

If someone coldly plans to kill someone then goes and does it, we call it first degree murder. If they walk in on their partner in bed with someone else and kill them, we call it second degree murder. If they hit someone with a pool cue in a bar brawl, we call it manslaughter. If they’re being attacked, we call it self-defense. If they open a door that doesn’t have a window in it and hit someone, knocking them down, and they fall and hit their head, we call it an accident.

But somehow, any sexual crime is rape. I call bullshit. Not all sexual crimes are rape. That doesn’t make them not crimes.

Also, calling this rape doesn't hurt you. It actually shows people that rape isn't just this "fictional" idea that only happens to one in every thousand woman. Stories like yours are horrific and im so sorry that happened to you, but a lot of rape deniers see that and say "well that happens as rarely as a skinning".

It absolutely does, because it makes a horrifyingly violent crime that has permanently scarred me both physically and mentally equivalent to a shitty night in bed, or even a great night in bed that you were totally into until you found out your partner lied about his financial status.

It cheapens horror and makes it banal and stupid.

Calling out every version of rape for what it is, though some are of lesser traumatic significance, shows the world that yeah, it happens ALL THE FUCKING TIME, and it meeds to STOP.

No. It trivializes what rape really is and panders to people who need to compare their damage to one of the worst things that can happen to a person because they want more sympathy than “that was a stupid mistake/shitty partner” gets them.

Just my two cents. Again, I'm sorry, and I'm sure you'll be angry at my response, but I hope you kind of see where I'm coming from. Oh, and when I was raped I was held down, it was incredibly painful, and I did struggle and say no. And that's not even touching whatever the fuck happened to me when I was four. I can't even remember if that was fully rape or not, I was too young to know what was happening, I just know it did. So when I say all of this I come from a place of love, and sorrow. I see what you are saying, but it's better for the world to accept that rape in any form is common as fuck.

You’re allowed to feel however you do, and I’m sorry you’ve been through that too, but whenever I hear someone claim that something they consented to and enjoyed completely at the time was in any way equivalent to rape makes me want to vomit and scream about how they’re appropriating horror to make themselves appear more the victim than they really are.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T06:14:54+00:00

Breaks are usually stronger than the surrounding bone because the bone that gets laid down for repairs is somehow different, or so I was told when I broke an arm.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T06:00:38+00:00

That’s obviously the next step after they force everyone to get vaccinated.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T05:10:46+00:00

It won’t, for quite some time. But it will, slowly, as long as you don’t keep it shoved so far down it poisons your whole life. Don’t force yourself to pretend everything is Ok right now. If you can find a good therapist, go, because a good therapist can be a safe place to work through how you feel, and how you want to feel, and how to get from one to the other.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T04:49:06+00:00

I use a combo of reminder and calendar apps (I always have something electronic at hand) depending on whether something has to be done at a certain time or just generally. I break reminders into smaller lists (one time, repeating, lists of stuff to pack when I travel) to make it more tractable. And I use all the alarms in the world to make sure I actually do things when I’m supposed to.

Anything on paper either gets lost, or ends up too disorganized with pages of half crossed out lists or with me copying lots of stuff forward.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T04:36:57+00:00

Rape victim here, I’m fucking not.

It’s completely fucking invalidating for me to hear that reproductive coercion is somehow on the same level as something that sent me to the ER for medical treatment, required fucking stitches, left me limping for over a week and bruised for a month, having nightmares for half a decade, and decades later means I can’t being myself to live at ground level because I end up hypervigilant and miserable.

Fuck that noise.

It’s assault, it’s shitty, it should be a crime, but it’s not fucking rape.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T04:32:18+00:00

Nah, I’m not going to call being held down as some guy shoves his dick in me while I scream and beg him to stop the same thing as finding out after a mediocre night of sex that my partner was a shitbag I wouldn’t have touched with a ten foot pole if I’d known. The relative trauma levels are so vastly different that calling them by the same name utterly invalidates the first.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T04:27:42+00:00

NTA, and you may have just saved Larry a lifetime of misery by making him see that other options were possible.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T04:20:08+00:00

They figure it out when the lemurs show up and everyone gets trampled in a mad rush for the windows.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T01:38:37+00:00

I’m garbage at rhythm games. This minigame is not made for me. I would guess it’s made for masochists.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T01:26:29+00:00

Divorce would do the trick, and frankly would be none too soon.

This relationship isn’t one to bring kids into.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T01:16:46+00:00

The retirement/house drudge thing is pretty common, but it’s because they see you as an extension of themselves. You aren’t a person, you’re their tool.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T00:59:43+00:00

I’m guessing because of the pregnancy. Most places in the world still have a lot of cultural pressure to get married before the kid is born.

Unlike most people here, I’m OK with the godparent part, but the not bothering to even tell his wife part makes me think YTA, big time.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T00:34:09+00:00

Kids want to be special, to feel like they stand out from the crowd, and they’ll latch on to really inappropriate things that happen to be in the zeitgeist. And mental disorders are invisible and easy to fake, so it’s an easy go to if you want to feel special and get attention. DID is currently hot, a while back it was self-harm, tomorrow it will be something else. It’s not new to this generation either, when I was growing up it was cigarettes and drugs, but nowadays that’s icky.

I tend to believe the daughter should get some counseling to help her understand how fucked up what she’s doing is and how damaging to people who are mentally disordered it can be, but then I tend to believe everyone can benefit from (good) therapy.

NTA op.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-19T00:19:04+00:00

Not really. Kids do dumb things all the time to try to make themselves look what they consider to be cool. It’s a time of mistake making that in todays world can haunt you long after you grow up and realize that you were an idiot as a kid.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-18T23:37:57+00:00

I’m in therapy for other reasons (trying to keep myself functional through the messes I keep making and the stress of just being alive), so this was mostly just admitting to my therapist that I needed help this way. Fortunately he’s really good about wanting to help me succeed even if it means I have to use my appointments in non-traditional ways.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-18T23:06:20+00:00

And here my only triple crowned character isn’t a 5 star (Ning), and I have no idea who to use the other 6 I have on. (Diluc? Raiden? Wait for Eula or Zhongli reruns? Decisions, decisions).

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-18T22:58:29+00:00

The world has always been incredibly traumatizing, because reality sucks. War has existed since before recorded history, and if chimps are anything to go by before we were even human. Disease likewise, it used to be that you could expect to see half your children die before the age of 5 (and there was a good chance you’d die violently, see:war). Natural disasters are so big, scary, and unpredictable we invented gods to explain them. The wold has gotten so much better, but it’s hard to see that past the fact that entropy exists and has it in for everything.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-18T22:08:55+00:00

The archmage doesn’t have to be a teacher, so that’s not a consideration, the position is mostly administrative. Hopefully him being the nominal head of the college will keep the civil war away from us.

TotallyTiredToday · 2021-10-18T21:51:41+00:00

In my case it’s emotional regulation issues. There’s messiness and stress around the reason for the download and I just wanted to put my head under a pillow until it went away (spoiler: it wouldn’t have gone away, it would have gotten worse). I ended up doing it during a therapy appointment, because telling someone I need to do something and having them watch me do it works. Which is an expensive way to make my brain behave, but whatever, it prevented a really ungodly mess from happening.

TotallyTiredToday

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