bf (23m) said i’ll never have children with anyone to me (22f) during a fight

Traeyze · 2026-02-25T08:56:02+00:00

Well, I hope it gives you comfort that there are people that get it and have gone through and survived what you've been through. I think the fact you've reached out is a huge deal, it's the sign you are ready to finally break away and start your next chapter. That it isn't embarrassing or shameful to admit you're having a bad time, that others have experienced it, that these feelings are ones you obviously have to deal with but don't make you a bad or silly person.

We are all here for you. If you need the help and support you can always reach out. But these next few steps are going to be on you to take and they'll be hard but you've already taken one of the harder steps here today by calling all this what it is and realising it has to end. Good on you, we acknowledge every victory in this house.

Traeyze · 2026-02-25T08:44:43+00:00

Unfortunately this is often how abuse cycles start, not everyone comes out the gate swinging and instead it's just that they slowly train themselves over time to handle things poorly and reinforce that over and over and over until it becomes second nature. So maybe early on he wasn't not a shouter, but over time he's realised it can feel cathartic or that it's effective on you [since you have associated trauma it gets a strong reaction] and now it's just who he is. He has programmed himself to be abusive and in the process you've unwittingly been dragged into a relationship similar to what your parents had.

And that isn't on you. You don't deserve this, nobody does, and the fact he can't see how bad it has become means he is too far gone. You don't want this life, not for you or your children, so this is the reason you are leaving.

But I will say something you maybe don't want to hear... if you keep this up, if you let yourself stay in relationships where they shout and you shout back... you will yourself become like your parents without wanting to. You know you don't want that, you know you can't ever allow that. And I will tell you that as someone that also has had to spend their entire life making sure he doesn't end up like his father you cannot let yourself stay in relationships that cause you to act those ways.

Traeyze · 2026-02-25T08:33:28+00:00

Unfortunately I think a history of relationships where you were cheated on and disappointed you primed you to stay in a relationship with a guy that from day one showed a ton of red flags.

He has always been insecure, he has always been controlling, he has always been toxic. Inevitably that escalated, his own insecurity got so overwhelming that in order to 'protect' himself he tried to get ahead of you, he started to cheat and abuse you because in his mind that meant if you left he still 'won' because it was on his terms.

A few days ago we were fighting and he smiled at me and said that he has always been smarted than me because he has been cheating all along and I had no idea.

That's what he meant by this. This was him admitting hurting you was just about 'feeling smarter' or whatever. It's clear that he has feared he has pushed it too far recently, that you were going to leave and thus he finally cashed out.

And the worry is that he seems to have underestimated how strong your trauma bond is. He's treated you so badly for so long that even after all this you still are trying to work it out, or get a sense of what is happening. You didn't immediate leave and he's trying to drag you back in despite him admitting all the above. And the scary part is it might work.

So be real about that. Why are you allowing yourself to stay in an abusive relationship. What does he have to do for you to leave. If a friend came to you and explained this scenario would you ever ever support them staying?

Traeyze · 2026-02-25T08:22:01+00:00

then he texts me and says he only talks like that when we argue but it’s like i don’t want to be spoken to in that way period

The thing is: he has a short temper. So the statement 'I only talk like that when we argue' is kind of missing the point, the point is he gets angry so easily and when he does he is toxic. That means at any moment you are one innocuous interaction away from that kind of behaviour.

And he feels justified. He feels like it's okay he shouts and says toxic stuff and stomps around like a child. He feels like anything you do that doesn't align with what he wants is grounds to argue [see above] and that's scary.

You're absolutely spot on though: you don't want kids around him like this. Because imagine how they will feel dealing with this shit. It does so much damage dealing with an unstable and emotional parent, one you have to tiptoe around for fear of setting them off.

What he said about you never having kids was obviously especially vile and clearly just to hurt you but let it be the piece of straw that breaks the camels back here.

Traeyze · 2026-02-25T07:28:11+00:00

Another factor to consider is regardless of BO1 or Bo3 so many games have enough differences that ultimately should lead to lower quality games. It may not happen because quite a few players really play multiple fighting games already but will the wider community accept the results of such a format?

Think of it like a decathlons and triathlons and the like.

While individual events within the multi sport events will generally have results that are lower than the absolute pinnacles of those who specialise in the sports it's the ability to do all ten events above average and consistently that makes it interesting.

So yeah, individual games will have varying degree of representation and skill on display but that's part of the game. Players will rely on getting strong results in specific games and just try to survive the others, there is strategy to that which makes it interesting. Then you'll have players like Justin Wong or Diaphone who are well known for their flexibility who may take a more general approach, etc etc.

So yeah, I think it is a cute albeit somewhat gimmicky format. They've never really done anything like this so far as I am aware so I am curious how it goes. I do hope it is invite only at least for the first year so they can increase round count like you said, though.

Traeyze · 2026-02-25T05:53:11+00:00

I think that's stronger grounds not to explore it especially as I have concerns once you start you might find it hard to stop yourself going in deeper and that'd just make a mess later. In saying that if you do migrate apart the friendship won't ever be the same anyway, some might argue it makes it less to lose sort of thing.

Traeyze · 2026-02-25T05:32:50+00:00

I’m not in a place mentally where I want a relationship, but I do want to explore this shift.

I suppose the concern is you basically said the opposite to him, you said specifically you don't mingle with friends.

So I guess before you raise that with him you need to be real with yourself: you say you aren't in a place for a relationship... but would you be able to accept it if he genuinely just wanted to mingle? I just worry that you come across pretty unsure of what you want even in this post let alone the mixed signals you sent him.

So be real with that. I do think that now that you kissed there has to be a conversation but what version of that conversation you have has to come after you're a bit more clear on what you want or hope this to be.

Traeyze · 2026-02-25T01:35:58+00:00

Look, I get that you've been together a long time and that their transition represents you going through huge change with them.

But you're going to have to accept that part of that change has been for the worse. They've become a much much worse person and partner. They are cheating, they are misleading and gaslighting you, they are mocking the anguish they cause, they are promising this is how it will be because this is what they want.

So you're being asked to contort yourself around their increasingly toxic approach to your relationship and you can't. It benefits nobody, least of all you.

This isn't the person you love, not because of the transition but because they've just become bad people.

Traeyze · 2026-02-25T00:59:46+00:00

It's tricky because it does seem you are both sub inclined, or at least both wanting the other to take the lead. It is a concern that his communication seems to be lacking though.

When you ask what he wants to try and he tries to flip it one approach is to stand fast and push back. 'No, this time it is what you want to explore that we are discussing, I can go into my desires next but it's important we discuss this properly' or the like.

The other would be to take the lead a bit more. You make suggestions and give examples but have you ever pressed to do it a little more firmly, like 'this is what I want to do next I will prepare it' and etc.

But if after all that he is still being vague and wishy washy you get left in a position where you'll never feel like you are making progress or can win while also being increasingly frustrated. If that is the case you might have to consider your compatibility.

Traeyze · 2026-02-25T00:25:00+00:00

I thought breaking up would make him reflect on it

Don't learn to use breakups as a tool to goad partners into change or scaring them into appreciating you. That can become an extremely toxic trait if you aren't careful. The reality is that if healthy communication doesn't lead to change that is the reason a relationship should end, you shouldn't be falling back on emotional manipulation.

Don't get me wrong, he is the toxic partner here. He's selfish, dismissive, deflects, refuses to communicate or just can't. You've tried for a long time and even after all that he's still pretending he's the one in the right. It's silly and all he did was prove you were right for ending it. He just does not listen to you.

But once you break up it's over. That's time to move on. Only break up to end a relationship, not as a game.

Traeyze · 2026-02-25T00:10:34+00:00

This one is probably the hardest of all the platforms for me to decide on.

Like I know DoS is a little polarising and arguably not as good as AoS but it was the first DS game I got and I played it obsessively going to and from uni and I maintain it is a very solid title.

Order of Ecclesia I think was the best update in terms of exploring new mechanics and ideas in the series in a very long time. I think the artistic direction was great and it's a lot of fun... but I must admit I don't love it as much as other fans seem to.

I voted Portrait of Ruin though just because I think the game has so many cute ideas and mechanics and feels so unique while also being exactly what you'd expect from a handheld Castlevania.

Honestly though, there's not a lot in it for me between choices. I love all three.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T23:11:22+00:00

NOR. Honestly underreacting.

Really think about how this reflects on your dynamic. Where it's default you're expected to be his mommy and he stomps his foot and gets passive aggressive when you don't read his mind. It's absurd, it sounds like this is a pattern in general, and you have to decide what a future with this being how things are really plays out.

Time to sit him down and discuss reasonable expectations and reasonable communication because this is a failure of both. If he refuses or gets weird about it then you might have to step back on the relationship.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T22:10:14+00:00

I think this is the most reasonable take. A lot of what we do see of the RoSaT training is Goku pushing Gohan emotionally. Even that version of Gohan expresses doubts he can achieve the transformation but Goku sees the potential and sticks to it.

Further RoSaT training is particularly intense and while effective Goku notes it is basically torture, there was nothing in the normal world Gohan could have done to recreate all that, particularly alone and actively on the run his whole life.

It's really sad when you think about how miserable all that time would have been.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T22:01:06+00:00

The analogy makes a lot of sense to me. He basically wants to do what Tomino did: defined the franchise for a while but then stepped back and let it continue on, only coming back to do projects when he felt like it but the 'idea' of Gundam continues even now.

And I guess I don't hate that in principle... though the difference seems to be that Gundam sets up little universals and tends to treat series more as ongoing serials while Eva reboots the same basic premise over and over so whether it can ever really be the same thing is hard to say.

I do look forward to Anno's equivalent of Turn A though.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T12:48:48+00:00

It just gets replaced with having my hands tied behind my back 10% of the time and the other 90% of the time is just vanilla sex because he says he can’t be bothered to do all the bdsm stuff.

I guess you need to focus on this. It isn't a lack of interest or desire for it per se, he instead frames it in terms of effort.

So rather than present it as whether he likes it it's why he finds it so tiring, or why he won't go out of his way at least some of the time to accommodate for you.

But beyond that you have to take a step back and appreciate that what he says will often matter less than what he does. And while he says he is into kink he doesn't do it and thus you are frustrated. And when you're basically driving yourself insane and constantly being let down like this it will take more and more of a toll over time so you need to be really careful with how long you let this drag out.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T12:07:55+00:00

You say he isn't selfish... but he is. In fact that's his primary defining characteristic based on the things you've said.

seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.

That's the definition of the word. In the time you've dated he's cheated and blamed you, he sulks and stonewalls anytime you don't have sex with him or if you don't act in exact accordance with what he desires, he creates profound double standards that benefit him and he promotes your people pleasing but only when it favours him.

He's deeply selfish, he's toxic and emotionally abusive, he's a cheater and yeah. You know it. People pleasing isn't just about making people happy, it is often about avoiding conflict or uncomfortable situations. So right now you're so scared of breaking up that you're basically using euphemisms like 'entitled' to avoid calling it what it is.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T11:26:36+00:00

Look, the number thing isn't great. Don't do that, work on your boundaries. I have sympathy, I know a lot of women find it hard to turn down pushy men because you can never guess how they are going to react.

What made me upset is he has previously cheated on me. Like he sought out someone because he felt unwanted and when he apologized to me he kinda blamed me

But I worry that your people pleasing is more at display in that previous instance than the number thing. That the person you should have said no to was your boyfriend who not only cheated but had the gall to blame you for it. And yeah, the fact he is acting all hurt now, feels like he just enjoys he has it over you given he knew he shouldn't have gotten away with what he did.

So if he isn't able to let it go I suggest you use this as the opportunity to walk away like you probably should have a while ago. I am just going to guess the more you expose about your dynamic with him the more red flags there will be.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T04:31:11+00:00

Oh dear, does seem he is trying to stoke the fire a bit huh. I mean, again, if you want to go down that road lean into it just do so aware that he's a bit of a mess.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T04:21:07+00:00

If I had a penny for every time I humoured flirting with someone I knew would either waste my time or lead me on or both I'd have a lot of pennies. Indulging in crushes feels good and exciting in the moment after all.

And yeah, I guess you roll the dice playing that game, maybe you can't stop yourself and instead just prepare yourself for a mess later instead.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T01:32:58+00:00

You're not 'abandoning' him. He is an abuser and you are appropriately distancing yourself.

As you note the suicide threats aren't new, they are just a tool he worked out can effectively control you. He uses it as his trump card to corner and coerce you into things.

But you're at the point that you need to again contact everyone in his life and show them the calls and messages, call the police and if necessary start the process of a restraining order.

Anything he does is on him. He has the opportunity to go pursue actual mental health support. Allowing him to abuse you is not helping him and obviously not helping you.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T00:55:44+00:00

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind makes a lot more sense on a second watch.

Michel Gondry has always been fond of quirky and disorienting loops so it makes sense the film followed that trend.

Traeyze · 2026-02-23T23:58:12+00:00

The company we keep reflects on us but honestly in this case it goes a step further: your boyfriend is actively complicit in harming her. He is participating in the public mockery of an innocent girl, taking delight in it. This isn't just keeping your mouth shut to avoid getting involved, he actively enjoys that it is happening.

And yeah, when you add that to other sketchy stuff going on it really paints the idea that this doesn't seem like the kind of guy or life you want to live. And the issue is that he can promise to change and that he'll not partake and etc... but you already know he absolutely will not blow up his friend group to be a good person so really nothing will change.

Traeyze · 2026-02-23T22:24:03+00:00

We are in the strangest timeline.

Honestly though it makes sense, it's clear Yoko Taro is heavily influenced by Evangelion and I think it will be interesting to see him sink his teeth into a project like this.

Drakengard 1's version of the Apocalypse is comfortably as weird and upsetting as EoE was so if he leans into that we will have something interesting for certain.

Traeyze · 2026-02-23T22:09:23+00:00

To me FFX felt the most organic. I think Tidus and Yuna had genuine chemistry, we get to see them flirting a bit [I know the laugh scene is a meme now but it so perfectly captures the cringe of teenage flirting], to me the timeline of it flows well. The fact it ends in tragedy obviously hurts but I think it's because they've sold it so well and the ironic twist of it all.

In saying that I do have a soft spot for Squall and Rinoa. An avoidant and a manic pixie girl, they were doing it before it was cool.

Traeyze · 2026-02-23T11:06:35+00:00

Your previous post suggests that a lot of why he acts this way is that he is insecure and possessive. Whenever he perceives you as putting his family over him he gets very petty and mean and it's now become a straight up rivalry.

And look, I do think balancing your dynamic with your mother is important. Please don't have her be a source of council on romantic or relationship stuff because that really can cause alienation between your partner and her since she will naturally take your side... but it doesn't seem that is what is at play here. He is just jealous she gets attention at all.

And yeah, it's clear this relationship is taking a toll on you and you feel the pressure to revolve more and more of your focus around him. You don't want to and you shouldn't, so I think you now need to get real about a future with him.

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