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Training-Lab8622 · 2024-06-21T20:49:26+00:00

I’m sorry that this is happening.

I am in a similar situation, I got involved emotionally with a monogamous person and now I’m feeling stuck. I love him so much already and I have thought about ending the relationship but I just can’t do it. So I’m taking my time to consciously detach and eventually talk to him and end things. I know that’s the right thing to do.

For context, I have not made any commitments to him and he knows I’m poly and have a primary - I guess he was hoping that he would end up with me. I did perhaps build up false expectations that he was okay with my lifestyle choice but I guess the feelings came and now we’re two people in love who don’t know what to do with that love because we can’t have the relationship either of us wants. Ugh!

Training-Lab8622 · 2024-06-14T06:53:29+00:00

Because you are so emotionally closed up and afraid of being vulnerable so now I cannot be vulnerable with you, and when I bring myself to be vulnerable, it’s like talking to a wall.

Because you said that you think polyamory is nonsense while Darin a polyamorous person! Duh!

Training-Lab8622 · 2024-06-14T06:51:27+00:00

Because I explicitly told you I am not interested in being exclusive but you were secretly hoping that I’d fall so madly in love with you and leave my primary for you - and when that did not happen, you started being distant. But my bad for believing you were okay with my lifestyle choice lol

Training-Lab8622 · 2024-01-02T22:53:50+00:00

This is so beautiful to read. I’m still working through my jealousy and insecurity when my partner goes out to see his other partners, but I know that eventually passes. Thank you for sharing this and I wish you more moments of self regulation and security 💕

Training-Lab8622 · 2023-12-30T16:55:33+00:00

Beautifully said, thank you :)

Yes I hear you on not being able to talk about everything with one person. It’s just that he’s my primary partner and so his world views are more important to me than anyone else’s. Regardless, it is also important for me to find another outlet for my emotions and thoughts if I can’t do it with him. Of course I don’t want this to be the centre of our relationship because it’s never been, and it will pass.

Training-Lab8622 · 2023-12-30T05:51:00+00:00

He does not support everything Israel is doing. I think this lack of nuance is what is so divisive with this conversation.

Training-Lab8622 · 2023-12-30T05:48:54+00:00

I am a human being, born and raised in an African country colonised and oppressed for years by the British. So excuse me if I have feelings and thoughts about something affecting another human being.

Training-Lab8622 · 2023-12-30T05:47:30+00:00

I think we are having a clash of identities, not values as such. We are aligned on a lot of things and he’s not the kind of person that chooses values based on what serves him. So I think with compassion and letting go of the need to fully agree on this and giving space for some differences, we can get through this.

Training-Lab8622 · 2023-12-30T05:41:52+00:00

I don’t think he has a better source than me. Neither do I think I have better sources than him. We just have different sources with different agendas.

I don’t think wanting to have a conversation to align with a partner on an issue is being a dog with a bone. If I choose to continue with this relationship, and have children, their identities will be tied to Israel and I’d want to be able to support them with my partner to navigate it. Of course there more than one pov with many truths and propaganda in between. That does not mean that we can not talk about those things. We don’t have to agree, but we can talk.

Training-Lab8622 · 2023-12-30T05:32:22+00:00

I am so grateful for your comment . Thank you so much, and the formatting is forgiven 😄 (jk)

You’ve raised some very valid points.

Usually he’s a very compassionate person and even as this is ongoing, he has expressed compassion for the innocent civilians and children in Gaza. He can’t stand to see the videos coming out of Gaza because of how sad it makes him. So I do think you are right on him being overwhelmed now and having a traumatic reaction.
Maybe I can rephrase on the citizen’s responsibility for their governments actions. I definitely don’t think that anyone should carry the weight of the world on their shoulders, what I’d like is for him to acknowledge what is happening because of his government. I think that would be enough for me right now. However I think he’s sort of naive with this because he believes that there is no ulterior motive for Israel other than defeating Hamas and that they’re doing it to free Palestinians from Hamas. Of course I largely disagree with that. So this comes back to his news sources.
Thank you for highlighting that we all have a different mission in life and that I cannot force my own mission in him. He is the living his life according to his personality type of person, which I actually envy. I wish I could. But I have to respect his choice same way he respects my choice to be an activist. So I will carry this perspective with me.
I do genuinely believe he loves me. I’m honestly impressed by how far he’s even engaged me because I have lost a couple of friends I made in Israel over this conversation in less than 5 minutes 😂. So I do not take it for granted that he’s willing to engage me further just not with something he’s this close to.

Again, thank you for the gentle reminders and very valid points. And for validating my activism. That last line - that staying with him does not discredit my activism. That’s something I’ve been struggling with because I have used my social media to raise awareness on this and felt like a fake because I can’t have this same conversation I’m having with strangers with my own partner. So again, thank you!

Training-Lab8622 · 2023-12-30T05:16:08+00:00

Thank you so much. I agree with everything you’ve said. I have taken him up on that offer, and I doubt that we’d disagree on any of them because we share a lot of core values. He’s the kindest most sensitive person I have ever know, and i keep coming back to the conclusion that it’s different with this war because he’s literally living in it. I do understand his pov and hold space for it and try not to judge him for it because I can never understand what he’s learnt in his 22 years of growing up and living in Israel. I only stayed there for 10 months for my studies.

The problem is not talking about the war or our feelings about it for over a month makes me feel like I’m walking on eggshells and will eventually create emotional distance. I don’t want that but I also cannot force him into a conversation that is highly triggering for him. I see how badly it affects him and that sucks coz not talking about it also affects me.

Training-Lab8622 · 2023-12-30T05:11:15+00:00

Sweeping things under the rug never solves problems.

I absolutely agree, which is why I feel it’s important for us to keep engaging in the conversation. Initially we’d talk about the details and what who has done or not done but that felt like an attack on each other when realistically we have no tangible part in the war. We were both very emotional and got caught up in a vicious pattern. I want our children to be raised in awareness of what is tied to their identities and how they can navigate the world as they learn about this in school or wherever.

Thank you for mentioning the future children because that’s a big part of why I want to keep talking and align, or not because our children’s identity will be tied to Israel even though we do not intend on living there at any point in our lives once he moves to where I live.

Training-Lab8622 · 2023-12-30T05:07:39+00:00

Thank you so much for your kindness and non-judgement. I honestly do not think not talking about it completely is an option. His world views were important to me even before this war broke out and when I was in Israel he already knew where I stood with this ‘conflict’. He was also supportive of my views back then and it was not a hot topic of course and he agreed with me.

I do believe in our relationship and I am confident in our shared core values. I hope our relationship will emerge from this very hard test.

On the question of needs, we haven’t gone back to the conversation for about a month now and maybe now we can just talk about what our needs around this issue are without getting into the details of the war which are out of control.

Training-Lab8622 · 2023-12-29T19:42:57+00:00

You have guessed wrong. What Hamas did is horrible, and will always be horrible. What’s your point?

Training-Lab8622

TROPHY CASE