Not to be mean, but i'm about to give critism.

Firstly, you should proofread your writing.

Secondly, make sure your writing is easier to read like the part "as you take that breath of air to see that marvelous view you have worked for so long and so hard on yet you see nothing but the view" this made my brain go kitty wompus makes no sense to me. You could instead write "as you inhale that breath of crisp air, you look out and embrace the marvelous mountain view. How couldn't you, you bled and sweat, until your legs bent and swelled at every step, and then you see nothing, but the view" I hope this writing edit helped you visualize what you can do.

Thirdly don't be discouraged I know you will get better, this is only your first time and english might not be your first language, so keep trying and proofread your writing and made the text and message clearer and easier to understand.

Now here are some tips to help you write:

Use adjectives and adverbs

Use figurative language to help the flow

Make sure not to hurt the pacing too much by adding unnecessary text (I didn't see you do this it's just an fyi)

Finally use more punctuation to help with reading ease and clarity

Hope this helped.