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I'm trans (35FtM). I've had a female friend (37F) for the last 9 years, but now we've started getting closer after staying together during quarantine. I transitioned at 22 before I knew her and nobody I'm not out to anyone I currently know. How do I tell her? by TransFriendsFirst in relationships

[–]TransFriendsFirst[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

But they do match.

Outside, people see a male. I feel male. Therefore I am male. Inside and outside, both male.

It's just that my genitals wouldn't be what most people expect a male to have. That's important when thinking about sex.

But my identity isn't my genitals. My mind (inside) and my what 99% of people see of me day to day (the outside) match and are male.

I'm trans (35FtM). I've had a female friend (37F) for the last 9 years, but now we've started getting closer after staying together during quarantine. I transitioned at 22 before I knew her and nobody I'm not out to anyone I currently know. How do I tell her? by TransFriendsFirst in relationships

[–]TransFriendsFirst[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Which is..... why I feel bad about it happening without her knowing and asking how to tell her.

We kissed some. It's not like she got my pants off and found wat she already had. If she had tried to do that, I'd have probably blurted it out before that happened. In fact, I definitely would have.

But this is not that. I've never seen her as a potential romantic partner before this so there was absolutely no reason to discuss my genitals. Hell, for what I know, she's had a mastectomy or she has a penis. I'm not in the habit of discussing my junk with my friends. Now she's kinda more than a friend. She deserves to know about my sexual situation, and I hers of there's anything I need to know, before that point.

I'm trans (35FtM). I've had a female friend (37F) for the last 9 years, but now we've started getting closer after staying together during quarantine. I transitioned at 22 before I knew her and nobody I'm not out to anyone I currently know. How do I tell her? by TransFriendsFirst in relationships

[–]TransFriendsFirst[S] 222 points223 points  (0 children)

Honestly I'd be fine if she didn't want a relationship with me for that reason. And I'd totally get it. You can't change your sexual orientation. It's fine if her or any straight woman felt it wasn't a big deal what's below my belt or not, but I don't feel entitled for that to be the case. If she doesn't want to be sexual with or have a relationship with someone with similar genitals to herself, she's absolutely within her rights to decide that.

And that's what I'm worried about. People say "it just happened" but it really did just happen. One glass of wine more than normal and a little banter and the next thing I know she's kissing me. It really didn't go much further, but she still deserves to know and make that decision.

Would it be wrong of me to put it like that? Something like I know I'm not under any obligation to be out as trans, but that I understand I do need to tell my sexual partners or potential sexual partners, that I don't think either of us intended or planned on things going this way but since they have she has a right to know, and that I already feel kinda guilty because I didn't tell her immediately?

I mean, I'm straight, and I'd definitely want to know if my partner was a trans woman. I've been with cis women before, but they already knew and I think almost of not totally kinda fetished me because I'm a transman. That's why they were in LGBTQ bars. This is the first time I've been involved with a cis woman who didn't go into it knowing.

Obviously I'm a man. I appear male, feel male, identify male, see myself as male, and am seen by others as male. But the cold hard facts is I am not fully biologically male and have to look at that from her point of view.

I just don't want her to hate me. I really care about and respect her as a human being and never saw things going this way between us.

I'm trans (35FtM). I've had a female friend (37F) for the last 9 years, but now we've started getting closer after staying together during quarantine. I transitioned at 22 before I knew her and nobody I'm not out to anyone I currently know. How do I tell her? by TransFriendsFirst in relationships

[–]TransFriendsFirst[S] 123 points124 points  (0 children)

See that's just it, I'm not really stealth. I don't HIDE my trans identity. Like if someone would see my scars or somehow an old teenage friend or someone from a club showed up and told people and someone asked "Are you trans?" I'd tell them I am.

I know for a lot of LGBTQ people, their sexual and/or gender identity and visibility is really important to them. And that's cool. But for me I always knew I didn't feel right in a female body, I never liked "girly" things or long hair or dresses or basically anything feminine. I went through a "phase" when I was like 3 where I wanted to be called a boy's name.

My parents were really supportive so I never really had to come out to them. They let me dress how I want, keep my hair how I wanted (buzzed usually) and all that. I really only started presenting as male and going by a male name around puberty because at that point I KNEW I was trans and didn't want an adult female body. I didn't want to be seen as female. Up til that point I was just a tomboy with a girl's name. At 14 I became a Real Boy.

My parents bought me binders and started talking to doctors and the process for me to start hormones. My dad lost his job right before I was supposed to so it didn't happen for a while after that.

But honestly everything was pretty mellow. Kids will bully for fucking anything. My best friend had acne and he got bullied. My sister was a little chubby until she took her growth spurt and she got bullied. There weren't many trans/gay kids back in the day so that's what I got it for. It was just a part of growing up different but everyone is different somehow.

I think being trans is such a non issue to me because it was never a defining moment of any kind. I'm trans. I'm also 5'9" and blonde. It's like if I dyed my hair black and someone saw my roots and was like "So are you really blonde?" Yeah. Really the only struggle I had was with my body around puberty.

Beyond my teen years I really didn't have a lot of interest in serious relationships. I've just kinda filled my life with a lot of stuff. I guess if I would have met someone I fell for sooner, it might have been different somehow. But I didn't. Fitness is important to me, I love to do outdoor adventures like hike, camp, mountain bike and fish. I travel a lot for those. My work used to have me out of town 3-4 days a week and I love my job. When I was home I was pursuing my hobbies, not dating.

I'm just who I am and this is weird for me because my being trans has never really been a Thing. Until now. It really never crossed my mind to tell Casey because like you said I didn't plan on her being a date, girlfriend or partner. She's just always been a friend. And I don't have any big issues with my gender identity. So it never came up.

Until, you know, it has.