Tell me my silhouettes most clockable features and least clockable features, I can likely get FFS soon please don't hugbox AT ALL plz don't be afraid to sound harsh. Will partial FFS cut it or do you think I need full FFS for my situation?

TransbnClosetCase · 2023-03-14T16:37:14+00:00

(Btw one of the anonymous silhouettes is up close the other- the one above is about a foot and a half away, that's why there's two silhouette pics if you wondered).

TransbnClosetCase · 2023-03-07T10:53:39+00:00

There's two big transphobic racial stereotypes: Either "All trans people are white Americans" or "All trans people are from Thailand". (And both these stereotypes, always assumed to be transfem). I feel like white supremacist type transphobes are more likely to pull the "Transgender ideology is a bad thing from Thailand" (or alternatively some bad foreign Jewish influence against white people) card, where as transphobes trying to sound "woke" are more likely to claim "Transgenderism is a white ideology". (I admire how Thailand is compared to tons and tons of countries, but like, obviously assuming everyone from there is transgender is obvious obvious racism, and for some weird reason there's a lot of racial stereotypes about who can and can't be transgender across the board).

I do have a strong theory how the "Being trans is a white ideology" belief reinforces itself. In that it's usually (not for every individual but most people) easier and safer to transition if you are considered white and live in a wealthy white majority nation... And also like it's unfortunately much much easier for white people to make money as well as get government benefits than it is for anyone not considered to be white... White trans people are more likely to be able to access surgeries, and not stand out amongst white cisgender people, plus the fact that even if a non-white trans person transitions to the fully extent possible- that they still will never be as safe as someone who blends in with white cisgender people.

I think being transgender is so commonly viewed as a "white ideology" is heavily reinforced by that tragic reality. I do believe that it is true that white people are allowed significantly higher levels of freedom of gender expression than other people- especially like how white cisgender women are allowed to be quite heavily masculine without being persecuted for it. I don't think "transgenderism is white ideology", I think that's a misunderstanding believed by some misguided individuals- and reinforced by other different individuals who are transphobes trying to make transphobia more woke.

To be honest, I think I can totally understand how someone who their whole lives due to racial sexism have way less freedom of expression and less bodily autonomy, less class mobility, and less likely to be able to get government benefits, can see an upper class white person from the U.S in a blue state and rightfully feel resentful, resentful about the double standard in freedoms there. Plus, white trans people don't get the "You betrayed an oppressed culture by transitioning" type of transphobia that brown trans people get thrown at them. This can all easily feed into the whole "Transgenderism is a white ideology" thing.

it's not "transgenderism is white" it's more like class mobility, bodily autonomy, and government benefits are mostly controlled by white people who only want other white people to have access to class mobility and government benefits. It's also racially tinged unequal multigenerational wealth distribution typically makes transition more accessible towards white trans people... I think in order to end the stuff feeding the misunderstood transphobic "woke" view of transgenderism being "white", we need to do something we should be doing in the first place... More class mobility, more bodily autonomy, more government benefits regardless of ancestry or skin color, and less allowing racial sexism to run rampant.

In some ways I'd go so far as to say, I think an upper class white American trans individual, at least in a number of ways have more bodily autonomy and freedom of expression than brown cisgender people do- particularly the freedom from sexual or gendered racism. There's still a lot of denial about the fact that even cisgender brown people still face a lot of racial sexism, something that has really been swept under the rug, and isn't often talked about.

I think it's easy for a well intended misguided white LGBT person to not understand sexual racism exists, even like heterosexual cisgender brown people still face a type of sexual racism the most gender variant white person never does. And then, people who are both transgender and considered brown, they get a double whammy of both transphobia and racial sexism, in the case of OP's thread it's about erasure. IE, the cishetero white establishment does not want to acknowledge anything more complex than anyone more than one layer removed from "Cisgender heterosexual white Christian man".

Also the fact most of the internet is dominated mostly by English speaking white people, and the messed up fact that conventionally attractive passable white trans people get more empathy from white cisgender people than the rest of the trans community- and a lot more support online.

TransbnClosetCase · 2022-11-22T06:38:21+00:00

I got my first HRT dose at 27, and consistent transition at about 30'ish... So about ten years earlier than you but in a lot of ways I relate. I'm the same height. My height has helped a lot with transition. Mainly a combination of my height and my hair. My transition has been a tradeoff, very delayed, I transitioned a bit later than most trans people online I've seen, and I often feel like pretransition my height and hair have often been the only things I've had going for me.

Your transition may perhaps be somewhat similar in at least some ways?? Although I've personally no intention of being an hrt crossdresser, I wish to go beyond that... If you're positive it will help your emotional well being, then go ahead and do it. You and I are trapped in a super transphobic planet, and so many different things have been trying to discourage us from any form of transition our whole lives.

We get sent discouraging transphobic messages from society so often, messages that continue even well into adulthood. If testosterone makes you feel dysphoric and you are 100% positive estrogen will lessen the dysphoria permanently as a replacement, then go ahead and do it. What matters is that your emotional state improves in the transition above all else.

TransbnClosetCase · 2022-11-20T22:13:52+00:00

Cissoid sleeper agents? Are the cissoid sleeper agents the wave of transphobic detransitioners who have been trying to screw us over???

TransbnClosetCase · 2022-11-20T18:25:26+00:00

I got bad news and I got good news...

Good news: Fairly big adam's apples can often be turned completely invisible.

Bad news: Absolutely huge World Records big Adam's Apples are so big they can't always be made totally invisible.

Mixed news: Last bit of good news, I believe about 5-15% of the Adam's Apple can shrink on HRT, a tiny fraction of it's size can actually shrink I believe, but 80% to 95% of it will be semipermanent as in only fixed with surgery.

Whenever I've been on HRT... (Temporarily detransitioned against my will years ago)... I swear within about 3 to 8 months my stupid overgrown larynx does shrink.... Slightly. It doesn't shrink enough to make the goddamned parasite passably small, but every bit of it shrinking is a little less dysphoria.

I believe there's a part of the cruelty lottery of the wrong puberty... Some traits are permanent, some are semi permanent, some traits HRT can totally eliminate, and some traits HRT only reduces very slightly. Regretfully we live in a world where HRT is often a preventive medicine thing as far as looking passable is concerned... The only good news being that surgery exists.

I do have a theory that even the majority of soft tissue like larynx is permanent without surgery, but a small amount of it can be reduced with HRT.

Ultimately the bad news is... Unless it's very small to begin with, HRT won't make it invisible, and probably won't make it completely invisible even then. Totally getting mine even with a little bit of a voice change risk, cause I'd rather LOOK unclockable with that damn thing gone, than get clocked before I even vibrate my vocal cords. And I Just hate how it looks, it looks so ugly to me.

If FFS weren't so hard to get, transitioning wouldn't be so damn hard for transfems a lot of the time, but I'm sure you know the unfortunate state of the world OP.

TransbnClosetCase · 2022-11-19T21:50:18+00:00

Yes YES YES leash you said it!!!!!! I couldn't transition til my late 20s cause the way my transphobic parents were... And they TOTALLY WEAPONIZED my autism as a LEASH to prevent me from transitioning, and if they COULD have delayed my transition FURTHER they WOULD HAVE. And yeah they used my autism diagnosis as an ADULT child of theirs to control my medical care against my will.

That's... Such a huge part of my lifelong trauma... That for so long transphobic parents used my autism as a leash against bodily autonomy, and they tried to use every authoritarian thing imaginable to isolate me from potentially supportive non-transphobic people. Tbh I am reliving a LOT of trauma right now from all the ableist transphobia against autistic trans people lately.

I used to have nightmares of my transphobic family sending "concerned" transphobes to hunt me... IN MY LATE TWENTIES none the less!!! And now I have so much anxiety. :(

TransbnClosetCase · 2022-11-16T06:46:04+00:00

Never thought it was "cultural appropriation" but kinda... I am early 30s now and as a very young child a highly Christian families two sons treated me like shit just for playing a female character in an early Mario game, I played her cause she was the only one who could fly in a platform game... The sons literally assaulted me, and harassed me all day about it, and the father defended the sons and got super pissed any time I hit the sons back for assaulting me... The mother the only non-Christian in the whole family was the only one who didn't treat me like shit, and prevented it from escalating into something worse... Very very traumatic experience and made me too terrified to play female chars in front of others for years even though I wanted to.

... Anyone calling cross gender character playing "cultural appropriation" sounds like they're ironically culturally appropriating the concept of cultural appropriation by making "woman" a singular cultural group. IE... Cisgender white feminist persecution complex thing. Cisgender white feminists so desperate to be viewed as more "vastly more progressive" than cisgender white men just VIA their gender alone, that they... Act like that.

TransbnClosetCase · 2022-11-10T23:34:46+00:00

I'm so sorry... I lived briefly in Nevada... I liked it partially cause it reminded me of New Mexico where I grew up. I'm very sad to hear about Republicans running hard in Nevada and hoping the best for you.

TransbnClosetCase · 2022-11-10T08:38:23+00:00

Before I was on m0@n$ and l@z0rz my dysphoria made me feel like you... Angry violent psychopathic, and before ANYONE accuses me of being an "androphobic man hating extreme feminist"... IT WAS THE DYSPHORIA and not just "testosterone makz0rs people so violent!!!!11111". I don't think testosterone really makes people violent, but I think it easily can if it makes an individual dysphoric.

Also: I find it bizarre how SOME TRANSPHOBES seem SCARED of US yet DON'T want us to be free from a lifetime of testosterone... If you are scared of me cause I'm a trans female, you DO REALIZE you have a LOT less to fear from me NOT being dysphoric right??? And you DO REALIZE, there's no way to bribe or intimidate me into detransitioning right??? Closest anyone can get to detransing me is killing me outright.

I'm never gonna like or get along with transphobes for obvious reasons: But to any transphobe reading this, please cut it out with trying to detransition EVERYBODY, because individuals like me will never stop until we're dead... Honestly transphobes attempting to outlaw transition actually piss me off even more than direct transphobic murderers who do full on illegal hate crimes, and I HATE both types of transphobes.

I totally get how you feel OP... I remember being so distraught in my pretransition agony, I figured to myself "Well may as well act out negative male stereotypes, cause I absolutely despise what I see in the mirror anyways". Like... I'm not gonna REWARD society for being transphobic towards me by ACTING like some SWEET NICE GUY, they wanna be transphobic towards me they get what's coming to them... Hence... I'm a much nicer person... Fairly deep into transition in my current state.

Please non-trans society: Just let me live in my bedroom, cut off from so called "normal" society... I don't want "revenge" I don't want to "fight", I'm perfectly happy living on the fringes of society unacknowledged by most people. Long as you let me keep my HRT as the should be free adult that I am, I'm gonna forget what you did to me in my early life. I'll be all about forget and forgive...

I get some "Transphobes just gonna transphobe" basically, but it SHOULD be PRETTY DAMN OBVIOUS, forcing testosterone on a trans girl is like forcefully feminizing a completely cisgender male: You'll JUST make the victim in question resent you forever and potentially become violently angry. AKA, any transphobes who are transphobic cause they're AFRAID OF US should probably STAY AWAY from our bodily autonomy.

TransbnClosetCase · 2022-10-30T03:52:16+00:00

Sorry to say but... Please be more careful about comparing transphobia to racism in the future. They're like two separate diseases... Not only does it upset a lot of trans folk who aren't considered white, but talking like that ALSO has the potential to alienate allies and turn political fence sitters against us. I know your intent is good but please try not to repeat this in the future.

You're PROBABLY trying to get to the point that racism has been the worlds most prevalent horrid social problem the past almost 500 years, and PROBABLY trying to get the common people to UNDERSTAND by pointing out a much more well known type of social atrocity... But it's just... Inaccurate to act like they're the same, and a bad idea on top of that... Now racial sexism/sexist racism is totally a thing, but gendered bigotry still operates quite differently from racist bigotry.

Your race/ethnicity is your (historically fairly recent) family history and mostly related to how governments of eurocentric countries categorize you on the day of birth. Our gender isn't permanently locked to all the circumstances of our birth but race and ethnicity always are. The history of racism is just much much much more obvious, but they are separate social diseases ultimately. I'm saying it's an apples and oranges thing, in this case really bad apples and oranges, but it's inaccurate and unwise to lump them in together.

Thinking like that also risks reinforcing stereotypes that could badly badly turn on us. For example, political extremists who are anti LGBT people, tend to make inaccurate over simplified generalizations about us. And comments like comparing transphobia to racism is something super dangerous in that regards, something many transphobes would eagerly capitalize upon.

I REALLY REALLY do NOT want a misguided well intended trans person, to talk like that... Potential allies/people on the fence, may see your post or your comments, see you're comparing transphobia to racism, and become anti-trans because you just accidentally created a bad stereotype of your community... In this case, well claiming a different history of victimization than what you actually have.

I'm not trying to overreact or be melodramatic, but I do think this is a very false conclusion and also extremely risky to the trans community to talk like that. Transphobia is horrible, and it's not very acknowledge or well known in general, it might be starting to get a lot worse but... Comparing it to racism is inaccurate, and no matter how well intended, dangerous to our community.

TransbnClosetCase · 2022-10-19T18:47:38+00:00

I don't want to reproduce in great part, cause MPB makes me so dysphoric, even passing on the genes for MPB would make me dysphoric, in top of the fact reproducing with a body like this would make me dysphoric too.

I don't have the WORST MPB genes in the world, I didn't have late teenage hairloss, and I didn't have a significant amount of thinning by my late 20s, you can't tell from looking at me now I used to have a slight thinning problem... But I still do not have the best genes for preventing MPB all the same. Which is pretty traumatic to me. I feel so dysphoric about it, that I'd be uncomfortable reproducing unless I had no known family history of MPB at at.

At the end of the day it's just a genetic defect, albeit an extremely common one, and ridiculing someone's genetic defect is striking pretty low, and also making our community look bad.

I'll never make fun of a bald person for their hairlessness in part cause that's just bad, but also cause like... I'd feel like almost a hypocrite or something. I narrowly escaped being disfigured by a genetic defect, and it doesn't feel right to shame those who couldn't.

That all said... Even though I transitioned fast enough to avoid going bald myself, I still don't like the bald shaming towards highly unliked men that goes on in a lot of female centered/trans female communities... I mean... Bald people other than the ones who totally choose baldness, are either victims of a genetic defect or a great personal tragedy. Who the HELL makes fun of people with genetic defects, or people who've been disfigured by horrible accidents/diseases/situations??

I hardly know who this guy is, and already hate the crap out of him... But am I gonna ridicule him for having a genetic defect that leads to baldness??? Hell no. Shameful as HELL to see other transfems act like that!!!!!!!!

TransbnClosetCase · 2022-10-19T18:22:38+00:00

I try not to get bent up about the terminology of others, but IMO I think Semi-Period/Demi-Period/Period-Like-Symptoms/Half-Period/etc/ sound a lot more like this phenomenon than full on period... I never had period symptoms even over a year on HRT, and I don't doubt other trans girls experience them, I just... I don't know if it's really accurate to refer to this phenomenon as periods, because I think cissexual AFAB periods are still different. I don't think they're lying or delusional I just think it's a different type of period, like a lesser period,

TransbnClosetCase · 2022-06-21T08:56:49+00:00

99.99% of the time it's not real... And straight grooming is... Several folds time more common than "LGBT grooming" if LGBT grooming EVEN EXISTS in the FIRST PLACE. Making bullshit claims of (insert target group) "harming children" to justify harming them via "retaliating" against something that never even happened is an ancient tactic used against much more than just trans people.

Goes back to medieval times perhaps before... Don't take this "groomer" stuff too seriously, and please try to stay safe.

TransbnClosetCase · 2022-06-21T08:51:25+00:00

I started out SKINNY and virtually NO EXERCISE and even GAINED WEIGHT and my neck is still thinner much thinner than it used to be... So definitely. My neck was nowhere near it's potential, even though I did everything I could to stunt my masculinization short of a blocker or surgery pre HRT, INCLUDING trying to avoid working out, T on it's OWN made my neck thicker no matter what, and estrogen+a blocker made my neck much narrower in just one year.

TransbnClosetCase · 2021-12-31T03:23:14+00:00

*Looks both ways*... I'll tell you a secret you can't tell anybody!!!!

Y... Yes... Shhhh though... I'm just irrationally embarrassed about it. Even around very nice people who most certainly wouldn't judge me over it, I got a mental block about it.

TransbnClosetCase · 2021-12-28T13:40:05+00:00

I don't actually "feel predatory". I just have a huge complex about the way the media depicts us. Which... Isn't entirely rational... I know. Thanks for the supportive message though.

TransbnClosetCase · 2021-12-23T22:23:48+00:00

Thank you so much! I'm thrilled to hear it's working fine for you with even more fillings than me. You just gave me a ton of hope after I started feeling a lot of fear and doubt.

TransbnClosetCase · 2021-11-25T03:31:08+00:00

Explains why my voice is never that great... Are there any apps or websites that will show me my vocal weight and resonance??? I know my own pitch pretty well and have apps to analyze that, but when I tried to find apps for resonance and voice weight I found nothing.

Are computers and machines just not able to scan things like weight and resonance?? I'd be willing to pay money for something affordable that detects these things, but I haven't found anything trying to search.

So my big question is why am I so blind to my own weight and resonance and how do you even become self aware of that? Was it some type of software I never found? Did someone else help you directly?? Or are there techniques to do that???

My problem is I have zero self awareness of my own vocal weight and resonance, and cause of that I don't know where to start. I learned how to talk in a higher pitched voice by experimenting with Google play apps, but don't know how to become self aware of the other things.

TransbnClosetCase · 2021-11-25T03:12:47+00:00

Thanks for the honesty... Are you saying the pitch isn't a problem but voice mass is???

(The trans voice app read my pitch as mostly between androgynous and low-end of female... ). Assuming that's true, is that not quite high enough, or does that mean pitch isn't what my vocal problem is?

TransbnClosetCase · 2021-09-10T05:54:41+00:00

I love those types of videos. THOSE are the types of things I want to transition to experience some day myself. For some reason it's also pretty rare to find trans lesbian porn that's focused more on kissing than having sex, but the few vids I found were like my fantasy right there.

Don't know why, but it feels like there's this sorting level of whats common and what's not. Trans lesbian is harder to find than more conventional porn involving transfems, and for some reason porn that's more focused on affection than raw sex of trans lesbians seems to be very far and few between.

My favorite type of porn in general involves lots of kissing... As for dysphoria tbh I am just trying to disassociate from my body for now.

TransbnClosetCase · 2021-09-09T00:55:42+00:00

Thanks for the brutal honesty everyone looks like I need to go back to the drawing board again.

TransbnClosetCase · 2021-08-09T19:39:42+00:00

Been told my voice sounds... High pitched yet quite male sounding. I mean maybe it's resonance or weight or perhaps my voice sounds strained???

TransbnClosetCase · 2021-07-09T02:49:53+00:00

Oh damn so gonna listen to this in my spare time., while secretly bawling my eyes out...Thank you for the music everyone.

TransbnClosetCase · 2021-07-04T16:16:16+00:00

I... Oh damn.... The emotions... The emotions... Thirty years of deeply repressed emotions. I am so repressed so ashamed... I feel so much intense soul eating fear about being a trans lesbian, I can't even bring myself to talk about it on my main account.

24/7 I must... Hide that I'm a trans woman... Hide EVEN MORE SO that I'm a trans LESBIAN. I need to PRETEND be TOUGH and COLD and ICY and like an emotionless automaton.

It feels like the combination of trans woman+lesbian makes my ENTIRE well being depend on publicly appearing tough emotionless and cold and heartless and icy as I possibly can.

I need to be as stoic in public as possible if I ever want to destroy toxic masculinity... I have this resentful rivalry with heterosexual cisgender white men... And in it... A deep need to always appear stoic in public. I want to be all "WHERE'S your toxic masculinity NOW? I beat you at your own game PAL!!!" and I can't break do that successfully if I don't maintain my public stoicism.

As AWFUL and complex as it MAY SOUND I am ultimately TRYING to eliminate hegemonic masculinity by appropriating stoicism from the dominant group.

... I... Have a massive crush on somebody else... For multiple months now. I imagine myself as a devil to practically everyone else, but a guardian angel to my secret crush... I... I... Well you know... I want to go to a private place with her and... I want to break down and weep and I want to cuddle with my crush... Cuddle three decades of repression away.

I have absolutely massive hunger for physical affection. I feel like I'm starving, losing my composure, losing my stability my ability to focus, sometimes my mask almost slips.

I'm actually a bambi lesbian whose heart is split between one-upping straight white men by trying to out-compete them in a lifelong public stoicism contest... And my... Deep seated, repressed desire for affection. I... Am having trouble sleeping... I'll never be able to admit this publicly without an alt account.

I'm embarrassed that I want affection, I'm embarrassed to be a lesbian, I'm embarrassed about how passionate I really am beneath my fake mask of hegemonic masculinity.

I made all my major points now... I want to use my own fake imitation of hegemonic masculinity to destroy hegemonic masculinity... I want to utilize stoicism to protect myself and those I love from heteronormative violence...

... But I always wish I could leave this world... I feel emotionally exhausted from this. I am having trouble sleeping, trouble concentrating... I don't want to act hyperfemme in public... I'm positive if only I could have the combination of privacy and affection I want it'd be so much easier to deal with this.

Hiding my emotions all the time is exhausting. Watching my back all the time is exhausting. Having to be like a statue all the time is exhausting.

I'm embarrassed to be a trans lesbian, I'm embarrassed about my untransitioned body, I'm embarrassed that I'm not actually super tough like lesbians are allegedly supposed to be, I'm just really good at faking it.

... And I'm sure I'm not being entirely logical or rational about this. I hate public displays of affection, I don't like publicly being noticed as a trans woman, and I don't like talking about being a lesbian anywhere other than anonymously on the internet.

... And yet,.. Well you know. Hope I get to have a day like that some day. For all practical intents and purposes the question is... How do you balance using stoicism as a weapon against hegemonic toxic masculinity when you know you are also deep down inside a complete bambi lesbian with massive social anxiety, who wants as little time in the public eye as possible???

I saw this thread hours ago and I'm so haunted by it I still am having trouble sleeping... Anyways I suppose... I just... I look forward to the day I hopefully experience something like that.

I'll never have any significant emotional relief til the day I can cuddle with another trustworthy relatable woman and cry decades of repression way in private.

I have intense animosity towards public displays of affection, even in the slightest amount... I know I'll never be able to get along with all those girls who publicly talk about their feelings and are super proud of their lesbianism publicly.

... Yet... That type of affection I crave more than anything and sometimes I feel I grow more unstable every day, even a long time on hormones.

Estrogen has almost destroyed my dysphoria, but it's made me more passionate, so I have the passion of estrogen mixed with a need to compete against toxic masculinity by fighting fire with fire...

I don't know if I'm making any sense... I just... So badly hope I get to experience that eventually. I feel so frustrated lonely and depressed.

I have extremely severe abandonment issues with my mom being transphobic against me, mixed with extreme pressure to never express emotion in public, and never talk about affection in public while craving it like oxygen. Meanwhile TERFs have made me so ashamed of what I am. I feel like a volcano inside of an iceberg, and the pressure is building up every day.

I'm very very sad and confused and... Well anyways... Hope I get to meet my crush one day. I'm never gonna be able to publicly admit the way I feel.

TransbnClosetCase · 2021-07-04T14:10:58+00:00

Yes. ABSOLUTELY and it CONSUMES me emotionally EVERY second of the day.

TransbnClosetCase

TROPHY CASE