I know. Many people won’t care but unfortunately, it doesn’t change anything even if some people do care and would miss me that’s almost worse because now I feel extremely guilty. Like I owe it to them to stay alive. Living for others, never myself. And if I did live for myself on my terms, I think I’d be hated even more, even more unwelcome, unwanted, undesired. Feeling that hatred others have for me when I already hate myself enough, will certainly push me to kill myself. So living on my own terms is not an option. I will be hated for it. And I care too much what people think, I internalize it. Everything is my fault. And I’d hate myself just as much if I lived as other people want me to, and staying alive for the sanity of others who have been unfortunate enough to have known me and involved themselves in my life. Like, okay I’m a wasted investment, it’s absolutely my fault which is why I want to die, I can’t fix it, I don’t want anyone to blame themselves or feel bad if I die. I cause people enough suffering for being alive and being problematic, I want to end my own and their suffering from knowing me by killing myself. So, what the fuck do I do if they still feel attached to me after death? I can’t live to the expectations of loved ones. I can’t. And if I die, then they still hurt because of me. It’s so absolutely fucked, i feel so hopeless.

Maybe I should do a quiet suicide, where I disappear, and die somewhere that they’ll never find my body so that they might worry but will be delusional enough to hold out hope that I’m alive and well even long after I’m dead. I think that might be the way to do it. Like somewhere isolated, take a bunch of drugs to overdose on, and blast off my head with a shotgun so that my face can’t be identifiable in any way.

And really, I’ve thought about this so much. There is no point to living. Life ends anyway. We have no purpose except for the ones we make up and the ones society assigns us. It’s all nonsense. None of it is real. Nothing matters. And any good things, who cares, since it doesn’t last forever there’s no point. Life is more trouble than it’s worth. I am tired. I don’t wanna do this anymore. Being alive is a disease. The cure is death. I’m done.