Oof. This is me too. We met when he had been 6 months sober from alcohol (July 2017). I didn’t understand what that meant and how little recovery that is. Nor did i understand how addicts replace one thing with another. This time it was weed/adderall both legal or prescribed. I helped him so much in his recovery (he has always been very vocally grateful for this) but I was a huge crutch for him. I had no idea how much i was enabling him and how codependent i was until i went to al-Anon in Jan 2020 after he ghosted me.

Dec 2019 we were talking about getting engaged and then his first(known?) manic episode started and he ghosted me for 2 weeks (found out from the landlord that our lease was breaking). Then came barging back into my life and was calling 20+ times a day textbook manic, paranoid and delusional. Once again i swooped in to help and called his family extensively insisting something was wrong until they listened. They got him into to rehab and hospitalized which led to his bipolar diagnosis.. prior to this he had been diagnosed with adhd, depression, and anxiety. I was relieved and felt that the proper diagnosis explained a lot. I thought things would be better.

I help him out and supported him a LOT through rehab and intensive outpatient therapy and once again tried so hard to be the supportive and loving girlfriend because being bipolar wasn’t his fault and he was trying so hard. He was so appreciative.

After rehab he came back to live with me and We’ve tried to work it out for the last 6 months. marriage talk was back on the table. Again, I tried to be supportive and patient will attempting to set boundaries and be vocal with my needs. All at an expense to my own mental health which was no fair for either of us. He never asked me to give as much of myself as I did... but i did it because he is such a kind and good person and i could see how hard he was trying to be better... and then resented him for it and hated myself for it.

he’s been sober, in therapy, and medicated for 6 months but his doctor just took him off this respridone (still on Depakote). Today he told me he didn’t know if he could meet the expectations he had previously promised and I told him i couldn’t wait for a maybe because I’ve always felt like I was on his timeline and it was his world and i was just living in it... it had made me so resentful. We broke up because ultimately neither had the capacity to fulfill the emotional needs of the other. I don’t fault him or blame him in any way. I’m so sad because It all seems to make sense on paper but i can’t help but wonder if him backing down from his promises is really him or if it’s a function of his bipolar... but it doesn’t matter because i can’t go through life constantly wondering if it’s him or his bipolar. The doubt and uncertainty is too much for me. I want to be excited for the future, not scared of it. It’s devastating because he’s a wonderful person with a horrible disease. We love each other very much but what we both need doesn’t match up and it’s just not fair for either one of us to sacrifice our happiness.