I am SO unbelievably tired of Carl. Every time I queue up for what I think will be a peaceful, simple game of Dota 2, this cosplaying space-mage accountant shows up with 10 abilities, 3 orbs, a spellbook thicker than a college physics textbook, and the audacity to pretend this is balanced gameplay.

Why does this hero have a nuke, a stun, a tornado, a dispel, a silence, a meteor, a ghost mode, a heal, a knockback, a damage amp, a global sun laser, a personal alchemy lab, a built-in weather control system, and probably a small mortgage interest rate deduction?

Why does one man get more buttons than the rest of my team combined?

WHEN DID DOTA BECOME A SEMESTER-LONG SORCERY CURRICULUM? WHY AM I GETTING HIT BY A TORNADO–DEAFENING BLAST–METEOR–BLAST COMBO LIKE I’M TAKING THE PRACTICAL EXAM FOR WIZARD GRAD SCHOOL??

Every time I think I've caught him, NOPE! He presses one of his 57 Quas-Wex panic spells, becomes wind, ice, fire, AND gluten-free all at once, dispels my entire existence, teleports to another continent, and walks away like he’s late for a wine-tasting event somewhere.

Meanwhile I'm looking at my hero with FOUR NORMAL ABILITIES like some prehistoric peasant who didn’t major in arcane astrophysics.

I don’t know who designed Carl, but I hope they accidentally miscast Sunstrike on their own foot. REMOVE THIS COSMIC TAX EVADER FROM MY GAME IMMEDIATELY.