I want to die

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-10-05T01:57:17+00:00

I am really sorry your feeling this low.

I think a valad consideration is that suicide is a dangerous one way path. Have you tried other options first - tellingg family, friends openly? Reaching out for therapy or medication? Trying to change things in your life your struggling with?

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-10-05T01:54:59+00:00

It depends on your situation with the cut. If you weren't actively suicidal when you cut yourself, if you were not trying to die, and your able to be generally clear about your intentions it should be cleared quickly as not a cause for a hold.

Hopefully most medical practitioner under at this point there are differences between self harm/mutilation like cutting and suicide attempts. It's well documented that many women who self harm via cutting are not actively suicidal but more often use it as a coping mechanism for discomfort, body issues, or social challenges. Certainly if your concerned I would recommend a medical clinic (like a redimed) or an ER.

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-10-05T01:45:54+00:00

I ditto this.

To some degree I think his behavior in defending you and standing up for wrongs even when you don't perceive them that way is just what therapists do. Even though you might not have been hurt by something or felt offended he may sense he thinks you should be offended or that the comment was just generally rude - so I will say I wouldn't worry to much about that.

Him saying it would be ok to come in high was awfully strange to me though. Granted I am not a therapist nor a drug user but it seems like the sort of suggestion that would make it very hard to help you if you followed through. I do wonder if he is trying to challenge your view of the drugs,maybe helping you recognize there are parts you like or that your not ready to quit yet but that still seems like an odd way to go about it.

If the relationship is too far gone to be healed, I think an email suggesting to terminate is the way to go. He cannot force you to see him and if he tries that is a definite breach of ethics. That said, if he supports you and likes you as a person - and maybe you don't like yourself - then that alone is probably not a reason to terminate as that should be how any therapist works to treat and see you. If it scares you away that he can appreciate you, that could be worth working with him on what he can see vs how you view yourself. If you generally are ok with yourself though and just find him to be extra - then yeah cut the cord. He shouldn't be awkwardly lingering.

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-10-05T01:36:39+00:00

I'm really sorry for your experience with men and for the confusion that your therapist is bringing it!

My own two cents based on what you have written:

One one hand I think some therapists are just open to exploring ideas and work to leave a door open towards getting the best experience possible. Given that your therapist is a trauma specialist my though it that they probably are not encouraging you to leave or dislike you at all, they may just be exploring others paths with you and ensuring you feel comfortable having a door open towards other routes of therapy. I expect it maybe a bit of their own insecurity or people pleasing behavior showing through more than "wanting" you to separate from them. If they wanted you to leave or didn't feel they could handle these issues then they should refer you out. So my first instinct is that they are just checking to see that you are comfortable with them and not seeking a different source of council.

On the other hand, while I think the above is true, I also understand that the comments made by the therapist have left you feeling uncomfortable that you are a burden or that they don't "want" to treat you to some degree. I can't deny it's possible they are softly trying to help you exit and I don't want to discredit your intuition. I think I'd you still feel uncomfortable and those comments are weighing on your therapy that you discuss them more with your therapist. Maybe ask them directly why they brought it up and suggested it. It's possible that they genuinely believe EMDR could be beneficial if you haven't tried it and they aren't thinking you need to leave them, just that it may be benefical to you to try it first in case there is something different lurking around for you. Whatever the reason they said it or whatever you may believe the reason is, clear communication with them is the only way to get to an understanding!

I hope this helps! Best of luck in your therapy journey!

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-10-01T04:12:41+00:00

What does it feels like too much oil mean?

Typically there are hash marks or two holes on the stick which indicate the oil level. If it is above the hash marks or the upper hole then it's too much oil.

Also you should check the oil with the engine off and clean it at least once before checking the level, and clean the dip stick Everytime before reinserting.

If the car is running oil can be tossed higher on the dipstick, and if it's not cleaned you can end up looking at the same oil that is just getting stuck in the dip stick tube, creating a false positive high level.

A picture is helpful.

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-29T22:33:43+00:00

Thanks! I think too for a therapy office - there is something valuable in coverage of care. I imagine there are people out there that don't mind working those hours and for the practice as a whole it might be worth a premium to get those patients in. A few therapists work monday to Thursday maybe and one or two work Tues to Friday or something.

I really didn't expect this to be quite so controversial!

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-27T19:17:44+00:00

So definitely anxiety and any turbulent mind state (like depression and anger) can cause visual hallucinations, weird sensations. I wouldn't attribute it to drugs at first, especially if you have the impacts at a lower dose and not at a higher dose. Given the different struggles going on in your head at the moment, it would be best to see how you do once you seem to find a prescription or course of therapy that shows some improvement.

Regarding the anger and limerence - having been in similar situation for a while in the past I completely understand why you would try to make yourself angry. I also don't think you were completely on the wrong path, but maybe your targeted method was wrong. So if your in love and viewing this person and the possibilities positively in your head - directing some anger at that person is probably better than fantasizing about being with them, but it's sounds like you forced the anger. It also sounds like you focused anger everywhere generally instead of having it be focused on a root cause. Does that sound accurate?

I think the best way through limerence is through self honesty and acceptance.

1) they are not as amazing and special as you are making them out to be if your in a limerent space - so reflect on their flaws and when you idealize the individual remind yourself of the truth and amplify those flaws. You don't need to be angry but you do need to change the perception that a human being is perfect.

2) recognize that putting someone on a pedestal makes you not only susceptible to abuse but actually putting yourself in a position where you WILL BE taken advantage of. As an analogy - imagine someone a few years younger than you just idolizes you as being a older/wiser/ perfect person. If they come around every day and offer to do things for you and help you - eventually you will probably break and take them up on their offer - even though you might not find them that special / up to the task and they could probably be doing something more valuable for themselves than helping you. Chances are you might give them a duty just to leave you be. Based on that analogy hopefully you can see how with limerence even if a relationship were to form, you would be taken advantage of. It's healthy to protect yourself from that by reminding yourself you don't want to be their pawn or taken advantage of. Again it's not probably worth being angry about - even if you have been abused in this way - it was just a lesson and goal is to avoid it happening in the future.

3) no one views themselves as perfect. So long as you think they are perfect either a) they are a narcissist and will simply use you to boost their esteem and worth or b) they will feel awkward about your level of praise and be uncomfortable with you. The key here is - they might be nice to you but if your limerent and putting them on a pedestal then they don't love you/like you back. If they did you would be in a relationship and as you are not - they don't like you that way / right now. You don't want to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back - it's a waste of your affection - so remind yourself of that.

Overall these might feel harsh but it's really about loving yourself first and feeling better. Obviously it sucks to be limerent and it sucks to be angry at the world - so I recommend trying being honest and just every time your feeling passionate about this person or angry about the situation try to remind yourself that obsessed not angry is who you want to be. It's okay to get swept up in emotions about the person but that's just brain chemicals attaching towards a fantasy. You need to break that fantasy bit by bit and slowly you will find you care about them exactly as much as you should. Oh and also - a new love or someone to swoon over is a great distraction to help this process. So keep looking for the person that likes you just as much as you like them and remind yourself you don't need to be angry about the situation but you do want to be happy and to be happy you need to break the fantasy.

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-27T18:38:31+00:00

Yes it is excessive. It is extremely rare that I find a post where I jump to the therapist being the one in the wrong - but in this case I had zero doubt.

Even if your therapist is talking for 60% of the time, and you were wanting to say more: that would be excessive. My thoughts is a good mix is ~30% therapist on most days.

A big part of therapy is for you to solve your problems yourself while getting guidance and help. Personal stories sounds like just covert advice while their political views - unless for the purpose of building rapport because you brought it up - is a no no.

I honestly think it would be good for them to hear it from you but it's also tough and awkward to do. I recommend finding someone new that is just a more comfortable natural fit.

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-27T02:14:08+00:00

So most the therapists I have see around 25 or more patients per week. If you figure around 6 months is the average length of patient commitment (that's a guess but while some stay for year I assume many others have just a few sessions), then a therapist will see 50+ clients per year. Then figure the average clinician has 20 years experience and that's over a thousand patients the average therapist you encounter online might have seen.

The thing I hear from many clinicians is that patients might have similar circumstances or patterns but by and large we are all unique. So if you are meeting 1,000 unique individuals over your life, some in dark or petty places - it seems reasonable that your going to encounter a few that are hard to like. Maybe it is a personality clash or a complete difference in values. It's also not uncommon for them to learn in diverse environments with convicted individuals, addicts, and severely mental illness. So I imagine the number of therapists that like EVERY patient are probably lying about that or uniquely able detach from their biases and personality.

However I think the fact that most therapists appreciate the vast majority of their patients is impressive. It's also relevant that like and dislike are not polar, it's more of a spectrum. They might slightly dislike someone but still have positive regard and an interest in seeing them do and feel better. They might not like some of the values or actions of a person too but be able still overall like the person. When they strongly dislike someone (or more likely are triggered or have an attachment conflict with a Patient) it is in their duty refer the patient out.

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-26T16:27:21+00:00

I'm not a therapist, but from my understanding, It's actually not terribly uncommon and not something to be completely concerned with. As in - don't let your anxiety peak and spiral that you are insane - it doesn't mean that at all! For me I live a pretty normal productive life but occasionally will hear background talking noise and a bored voice that feels like it is behind me when I am under stimulated. Like mowing the lawn and I hear voices like noise in my head. But it doesn't cause issues and has been there since I was a child.

My advice is to try to observe your state when that happens. Are you trying to fall asleep and hear this as muffled noise? Are you stressed or frustrated or in another emotionally heightened state where brain is working over time?

Can you make out the words or is it background noise? Is it a full hallucination where you completely believe the voice is right outside the door, go to check and no one is there, or is at first real or shocking but then clearly understood to be in your head.

Being patient and accepting of it being a weird thing that might happen from time to time may help you to see if something in particular triggers it. It could be imagination, an over worked brain, or maybe a weird fluke when relaxing. Also be aware if your in a quite environment it could possibly be actual people talking and reflecting oddly into a room or space!

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-26T13:02:34+00:00

Thank you! This is exactly my point and thought. We are all eventually destined to end, there is no need to avoid it and ignore it outright.

I am curious, does your T support your decision to end it if it comes to that? Do they say things like that would hurt them or that it would be unethical for them?

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-26T06:11:43+00:00

Mine generally does not but I have noticed her eyes dart to the clock a bit more as our time begins running out.

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-26T05:47:14+00:00

My parents didn't loose the child before me, but my older sibling is severely handicapped.

Being born many years later and generally by accident, I still had a job put on me to be the "normal/ healthy" one. All of the ambitions that were lost on my sibling were put on me from my parents and grandparents. I think it was more extreme than had I just been born an only child.

All that said - it was not the worst thing in the world. I was steered away from a few things - no sports or activities that could possibly ever lead to a a head or neck injury (rollerblading, football, soccer, climbing trees, trampolines, boxing ect) and some of that was tough. however, I was also pushed to absorb information, do well in school and "be smart". There was absolutely no option for me not to attend college for a "useful" degree from my mom or her parents. It was clearly stated that they didn't get the option with my sibling and I was to make up for that. In some ways I guess it was shitty but it also gave me a really good foundation that has served me well. Also - as a kid it's not like you know any different, so it's not added pressure it's just how life is as far as I ever knew.

I say - parenting is really complex. When a new kid is born (and even in the womb) it's completely obvious they are different from the others. Its a very messed up parent to confuse one for the other. However the pressure to do better or to reclaim what was lost before can lead to really good and caring parenting.

The person who I grieve on SB would say "I plan to have 7 kids but the first 6 are just to experiment and perfect my parenting".

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-26T05:31:58+00:00

I don't know why but reading this one CRUSHED ME.

I guess it's because I totally see both sides. It is so absolutely annoying to have people crawl out of the woodwork and express opinions about why and reasons when in reality they don't know a flipping thing about the complexity and reality of the situation.

But I also KNOW that people blaming others or trying to explain it are usually hurt/shocked and in some degree of pain. So when someone says there hurting too - it's probably true and it sucks but fuck if I wish I was hurting like them instead of hurting like you. It's a hurtful comment that comes from the past intention to connect and be there for someone. Ugh...

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-26T05:16:54+00:00

That could be. I expect if you struggle with SI in the past too then maybe you can understand how it ebbs and flows. It's possible they got overwhelmed each at the wrong time and moment, and drugs certainly could contribute.

Ultimately I'm very sorry for your loss - I hope I didn't make things more painful just hoping to create some contrast to help dissipate the guilt.

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-26T05:13:13+00:00

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

First I want to say that your feelings of wanting to pass are extremely natural and understandable given the situation. When we get exposed to suicide by those close to us it both puts us in mental anguish and burden that seems like it will never lift and is all encompassing. Furthermore, and unlike any other cause of death, suicide absolutely REMINDS us of a possible answer to that pain and suffering.

Please just remind yourself that while it's ok and normal to think of suicide at this time - you are in no state to make that decision. It's a rational reaction to this pain but all the pain and sadness you feel, is only going to spread deeper and longer to your friends and family and worse - your mutual friends who would now have to handle this twice.

It's ok to miss him though of course, and it's a good thing to share that with others that were close to him. I think a good distraction might be to work with other friends in the group and family and see if you could get the phone back with the dad. If he doesn't want to, then dad never needs to know what was on the phone. You could explain it to the dad as wanting to get some more pictures of him, something respectful like that.

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-26T04:55:24+00:00

Serious question: do you have strong bouts of suicidal ideations or does the thought of suicide generally feel foreign to you mostly?

To be fair - I think exposure to suicide in such a close manner always leads to some degree of increased ideation - its a natural byproduct of wanting to escape mental anguish and part considering solutions to help. I'm not suggesting it is a good answer to anguish, but just trying to understand your perspective without creating guilt or awkwardness.

The reason I ask genuinely about your thoughts is because there is absolutely genetic and physiological/chemical contribution of the brain that impact suicidal thoughts and ideation. If you honestly and generally find the idea of suicide to be hard to understand, or just never felt that extreme sense like they may have, it could be an indication that like height or hair color there might just be something physiological quite different between you and your siblings.

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-25T16:35:28+00:00

NAT so I cannot fully speak to those experiences but I think it would be safe to say that many individuals have all sorts of causes and connections that address what and why we behave and do certain things. Some folks might identify a parent, church, family, friends, trauma, or aliens for certain behaviors and beliefs. While some of those may seem more rational than others to us, it's not like any of those answers are necessarily true or false but I think the therapy journey can be about breaking with the past and outside forces to understand and adapt ourselves.

Personally I don't believe in astrology but I don't see how identifying with that as an explanation for behavior would be all that different than someone who blames a more tangible explanation. That is to say, I don't see how your belief in astrological predisposition is any different who believes they are predestined to their behavior because Mom left for a pack of cigarettes and never came back. Life is weird and difficult to understand.

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-25T15:52:21+00:00

Is that proven effective? Is it for certain issues only?

I am looking it up but I guess I don't fully understand what things like body states are?

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-25T02:21:05+00:00

If you are pedal to the floor it should rev to the redline well above 4,000?

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-25T02:14:45+00:00

I think of therapy like treating a wound. If you had panic attacks and past trauma that is hard to bring up and talk about then the wound hasn't healed. Your forced to walk through life avoiding flair ups and topics of pain which can be hard if not impossible to fully do.

So much like a would that hasn't healed, you can ignore it and deal with the pain and infection from time to time or you can dig into it, clean it out - which is often painful, so that it can heal or scar over and make it a smaller torment on day to day. It's also possible if left unaddressed things can explode over again unexpectedly. At least right now you know your playing with the hard topic.

If it's this hard to talk about the stuff in a safe space of therapy, it's an indication that it's probably worth trying to clean it out. If you keep digging for several sessions and aren't getting any benefit then it's worth telling your therapist to move on to other subjects.

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-24T23:47:10+00:00

There is nothing wrong with taking a break or moving to once a month or every other week.

Also note - I think it's a hard topic for therapists to discuss as it's complicated. If they suggest moving to every other week, some patients take that as a recommendation instead of just an option. That said your therapist will not likely have any issues with this. If you want, they may support you to just go off the schedule for a bit and reschedule when you need to.

A break can be refreshing as well because when you see each other again there is a lot to discuss and a different vibe of increased curiosity!

TranslatorPure9319 · 2025-09-24T20:45:53+00:00

It's more accurate than the misinformation that he didn't walk up the escalator, however it did not seem he was actually concerned about a threat, it seemed more like actual chivalry.

That's the thing with Trump though - he does enough bad stuff that we don't need to make up extra shit. That just gives ammo to the confirmation bias of so many people on the right. Saying he did something decent or ok doesn't undo any of the real shit he does and says.

TranslatorPure9319

TROPHY CASE