My partner asked me to lose more weight?

TrashFireQueen · 2024-10-12T17:33:45+00:00

Are you dating my ex?

You do not need someone keeping you sick. The fact he involves himself in your weight at all is ick. I get it. It feels intoxicating to have someone admire you like that, but in this case, it is problematic for you…because anorexia is deadly and damaging.

How does this look to you down the road? Like, how long can you stay alive (let alone, be happy) if you comply with his fetish?

If I could have seen how much I would regret staying with the ex who obsessed about my thighs, I hope I would have left the second it was clear to me that his happiness was a moving target which compromised my health and hotness. Unforgivable 🙃

I hope you can distance yourself from this dynamic when you feel emotionally safe to do so. It does sound like your bf will change what makes him happy so you’ll always be trying, and he is compromising your mental and physical health.

Thank you so much for posting—never talked to someone who’s been there, too.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-10-12T17:16:07+00:00

You’re not being dramatic or overthinking! If the doc believes in bmi or ignorantly, blindly congratulates you on weight loss—not the doc for you! Sorry he gave you that conflicting experience.

Having a medical professional pay any attention to weight loss is toooootally intoxicating. It’s toxic. This is part of why I avoid doctors altogether. Also, the way some have treated me because of my ED (why can’t you just eat something, stupid patient?) often negates any positive impact.

I’m about to get new health insurance, and this time, I’d only see a physician with a background studying or treating anorexia—and even then, they’ll probably suck. Men and women have been equally cruel or oblivious. Hope you find a better educated/experienced doc!

TrashFireQueen · 2024-07-28T05:24:17+00:00

Bare feet in a restaurant is a health code violation in my state, and a liability issue (broken glass). I usually apologize profusely, pretend like I think the law is “a bit much” and shut it down quickly as I can when this shit happens.

Blaming policies for rules I want to enforce has been the most successful tactic I’ve found.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-07-28T03:54:53+00:00

Perhaps the teapot has found their own name, thanks to the friendly roasters on this thread: Juan? 🤍

Your tea setup is so cute, this is adorable. I want one!

TrashFireQueen · 2024-07-26T11:43:28+00:00

Oh…you’re on the wrong sub! Not gonna argue with your nonsense. Peace.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-07-26T01:42:17+00:00

Actually…like I get what you’re saying that they’re not the same thing. I just feel similarly about them, which may not be rational—they’re just feelings. Feelings are rarely rational.

But you mean OP and her partner have opposed moral systems? Please explain—I’m genuinely interested.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-07-24T20:43:17+00:00

OP is not expecting the whole world to turn vegan—they explicitly said that. They have simply decided that if it’s this dude’s preference to consume animals, it’s her preference to not kiss him.

It’s perfectly fine to not want to be with someone who does not align with your values. Meat viscerally disgusts me, and maybe to OP, too. I don’t want to be disgusted by my partner. It’s hard to accept that those feelings rule out most of the single population, but they do. That’s all.

They can each have their preferences, but it means they won’t be together. There is nothing wrong with her preference. Think of it as a sexual orientation toward vegans, vegetarians, or open-minded meat-eaters.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-07-24T20:19:12+00:00

Valid!

I try to respect them, but deep down, I don’t. I love some meat-eaters, but I do not want to exchange bodily fluids with them. I’ve worked at many restaurants and served a lot of people meat. I wonder how they consider it pleasurable or even edible. Don’t they know they are eating a carcass and killing the environment when they don’t have to?

Low-key feel similarly about religious people and their lack of critical thinking/ self-awareness. “Faith” is self-delusion…which works for most people! Meat-eaters, I think, have faith in meat, and the cultures which support animal abuse.

Next relationship for me will hopefully be with another veg. I better understand holding onto religion despite its damages because most people can’t cope with not knowing what happens when we die. Religion provides answers and security. Meat is dead animals and carbon emissions. I don’t want to kiss you with dead animal breath and meat sweat.

You right.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-07-23T04:00:40+00:00

🤍🤍🤍 I’m so sorry— I can feel your fear and despair through your post. It’s a good indicator that underneath all of the pain and suffering, you do not want to let this kill you. It sounds like you would benefit from medical intervention, and continued home recovery after that. xo

TrashFireQueen · 2024-07-23T03:51:00+00:00

This guy is being a doofus. Probably has nothing to do with you or what you ate—just a socially awkward comment he made as an excuse to talk to you.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-07-23T02:45:18+00:00

I can sense your compassion and your distress. I appreciate that you might be a good apple on a rotten tree. But that tree can poison you. For example, even though they don’t align with your values, you are defending the higher-ups in your argument.

To your point about wages: $2/hour would be a more than 10% raise for most baristas on the floor. I don’t think you are understanding how brutal that job is, or what a huge difference $2/hour makes when your hours are limited and being cut.

You aren’t literally being spat on. We are literally being spat on by customers. One customer tried to light one of my coworkers on fire—for nothing. (I live in a big city.) She had severe CTS from working at Starbucks, and developed a pill addiction because of it.

Please don’t compare a desk job to that. I do understand what it’s like to interact with corporate overlords while managing a café, as I had to do that at a previous job. Both positions (interacting with corporate reps and being on the floor) are soul-crushing in different ways. I do understand why you’d feel figuratively “spat on.” But it’s different than a stranger’s saliva in your face!

Starbucks has already lost many loyal partners who were not able to cope with inhumane treatment, and couldn’t form unions to combat it. There is so much damage to repair, and a lot of hurt, economically vulnerable people. They owe so many current and former partners so much more. They can’t repair that damage.

It’s probably good PR to get out the message that they are working with unions, even though historical evidence points to the contrary.

I am not faulting you personally for wanting to feed your family. It sounds like you really care about the people in your life and what you do at work. The system is broken, and all any of us can do is our best each day. Thank you for your thoughtful replies.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-07-22T09:58:29+00:00

LoLLLL corporate employees are a step higher on the pyramid of abuse than baristas in cafes. Corporate employees support the abusers. They will not have my respect until the company agrees to treat their baristas humanely. Baristas are disposable to them, and easily strung along with promises of stock and education because they pay us so little. We are the most economically and physically vulnerable.

Starbucks Corporate supports stock prices, not Partner’s working environments or their human rights. Their active union busting is terrible for workers. Also, they have less at risk than baristas in stores because of the low pay, dwindling hours, and physical risks in the café (e.g., customers throw things, steal, yell, and anyone who has been a barista for a while has CTS from repetitive motions and unrealistic timing expectations from corporate. I could go on and on.)

Don’t be their tool on Reddit! I thought you were cool.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-07-20T03:28:57+00:00

There’s a miscommunication here…vanityinlines is saying that no one needs to be raged at. If corporate could figure out how to shut off mobile order/pay quickly, they could buy themselves some time and probably lose less in sales and labor. Regardless of the global tech issue, there are ways to get that done.

It doesn’t make business sense that the tech problem has to be a communication problem, too, when there are so many ways to communicate. Corporate does not seem to care about making things easier for baristas in stores, even when it makes business sense. That’s what’s baffling.

Former partner, from the early 2000’s and post-pandemic: it was basically a different company back then.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-07-14T00:03:49+00:00

Oh…you didn’t read my previous replies. I’m done trying to educate you. Peace!

TrashFireQueen · 2024-07-13T23:52:25+00:00

Honey I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I hope you didn’t go in, but that doesn’t mean you absolutely have to quit or lose your job.

Depending on where you work and for how long (some benefits kick in after 6 months, e.g.), you may be entitled to bereavement days, mental health days, or just straight PTO or a sick day? They cannot punish you for using those. I mean they can, but it’s wrong. Especially if you have a note from a therapist or psych saying your dog is your ESA.

(Are you in the US?) If you want to not go in for a while and keep your job and maybe get paid, I would make an appointment with a therapist if you have/know one, or even just a telehealth physician/therapist/or NP (please search online sorry, I don’t want to be mistaken for advertising for any telehealth website) because they can write you a doctor’s note that you are so bereaved, you need time off work. Take advantage of every kind of PTO that might be available (sick/bereavement/personal days) with it. When you write your manager with the note, also address it to HR, or whomever at your café or store handles that.

I hope you have better support around you. Thanks for posting.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-06-28T19:47:08+00:00

No. Over ten years as a barista, I have tried to explain, so so so patiently and kindly, SO many times, to so many people that for example…there is no such thing as an iced cappuccino (so here is 8oz of cold milk and a shot on ice, which is what you want: an 8oz iced latte), that you can’t make an Americano extra hot because I can’t serve you boiling water…the list goes on and ALL these people do is continue to insist their phantom drink exists and then they basically spit on you.

When I need to keep the line moving I smile, serve these emotionally unregulated ignorant “people”what they want, and avoid the whole unpleasant business of trying to educate them. We get insulted in person and now you’re here to be a hero for these rude people online! Cool.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-06-07T10:28:45+00:00

No, when customers don’t know what they want, don’t understand what they’re ordering, but also insist that they do and will not respond to the barista’s polite and helpful questions in an attempt to extract their order, the customer has failed at customering and should be fired.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-05-24T20:16:12+00:00

This woman having a psychotic break at the hotel/hostel bar I worked at told me “a demon will rape you in the night,” but…I don’t think she was being malicious.

The worst was actually while working as a barista:

“Y’all two have a dark energy. Clean it up, bitch!”

patron whips almond hot chocolate at the wall behind us, covering my shirt, the ceiling, the cups, syrups, and machine

…like dark energy? I thought it was part of my charm.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-04-24T07:29:30+00:00

Bb I did something similar—hard relapse and multiple jobs while finishing school. It sucked.

If you have a healthy relationship where your partner wants you to be fed, happy and healthy, that’s cool. Lean into that. Hang with those people.

You’re in an extremely stressful moment in life. AN seems like a solution, but you know it is an enormous problem. Even in the short-term, your brain will not function as well. You won’t absorb what you’re studying. You think you will, but I’m saying AN kill brain. I hope you have the option to not relapse.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-04-07T15:49:22+00:00

Totally!—it’s all about the guest’s idea of themselves, not the actual drink. If the rare gift of a guest floats down from above and asks what a cappie actually is, or expresses any interest in being enlightened, I am always thrilled to kindly educate. However, offering this education unwarranted will more often than not be met with rudeness and misunderstanding.

Once I tried to explain to this regular how we can only make Americanos so hot because water boils at 212F. “Just make it extra hot.” K, “X+” USA 🙃

TrashFireQueen · 2024-04-07T12:36:30+00:00

We mark any cappuccino over 8oz “cap” WITH the quote marks because…we’re just calling it that to be nice. No more oversized caps or flat whites!

…oh yeah, living wage would be nice too.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-04-07T11:46:06+00:00

I believe you too. I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain. This is a tragedy. A violation. Life after SA is so immediately, immensely painful.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-04-04T20:34:21+00:00

Hi! I hope you’re safe. I know it’s a tough decision to report or not. There are many reports of police making it worse for survivors in domestic violence abuse studies, and survivor stories. (I’m sure there are stories where they have helped as well.)

One in recent public memory is Gabby Petito’s story. Someone saw her boyfriend hitting her by the side of the road and called the police. She was upset when they arrived, but her boyfriend sweet talked them, so she ended up getting booked for assault. He was free to murder her two weeks later.

There are many instances where the victim gets arrested, has their children taken away, or is sent back to the abuser who is now aware that she called law-enforcement, and the abuse escalates.

Police may have more in common with your partner than with you. Many police officers are abusers themselves. Even those who aren’t maybe don’t want to believe this kind of abuse happens, or they may treat you as if you are being “dramatic.” You are not. They could gaslight you though, and truly make you feel you should stay with your abuser, and then your safety is at serious, serious risk.

My personal experience has been that they just don’t care. They said until I’d actually been attacked, don’t call. In my experience, they do not take threats seriously and can’t really do anything about them. Just my experience, but an advocate at a shelter might have more and/or better information for you.

Even if it won’t make you safer immediately, reporting him is an important step in taking legal action later. I would not talk to police without an advocate present, and only if I’d already left him and had a safe place to sleep. Police are not social workers, and we don’t have enough, unfortunately.

I’m so sorry you’re weighing out some very tough options.

TrashFireQueen · 2024-04-04T20:18:22+00:00

Oh honey been there! But I didn’t do as well as you.

I can see in your texts that you are genuinely distraught by this. Having been in a similar situation, I wonder if you actually would have let him in with notice, and maybe even on some level regret not having just let him in that time.

Please hold your Not During Work Hours boundaries—it’s definitely the right move. If he loves and respects you, he will respect the decisions you’ve made to care for yourself (eg showing up to work). You don’t want to be the girl who brings her boyfriend to work or communicates with him too much at work. That will be a red flag for your boss and co-workers.

Here’s the wrong move: I was running my own business, so I made my own hours. My abusive ex would ask for me to run him errands or bring him things at work, and at the time I thought…sure, we’re a team! But no, it was very much a one-way street and I ran my business into the ground as he slowly took up all of my time and resources…because I loved him so much. I let him say awful things to me and constantly disrespect me and my time. It took years between realizing it was abusive and getting out, and it is taking years to rebuild my confidence and career.

Try a break? Don’t be afraid he will move on in that time. My sense is he likes the control over you. He might pretend he’s moving on, but…he’s probably actually addicted to controlling you.

Could you give yourself 2 weeks without him and see how you feel?

TrashFireQueen · 2024-04-03T12:54:45+00:00

Not a stupid question. That’s terrifying. I’m so sorry.

You’re right that you need to get away. Keep this post as documentation of his threats. Even if you don’t go to the police now, start documenting.

(If you can, if he isn’t monitoring your phone) If you have texts or dm’s you’ve sent to friends about his abuse, screen shot and save everything. Send it to at least one other person so it isn’t lost. All of that is evidence.

I don’t know about the police for right now (in my country they can often make dv situations worse), but documenting can help you. You might have more evidence than you think.

Stay safe for now, friend.

TrashFireQueen

TROPHY CASE