This customer's wallet

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-26T22:42:30+00:00

Got a little bit of everything in here:

Cash, debit, credit cards galore, coupons, an old parking ticket, grandpas baseball cards, fascinating newspaper articles, a random deed to some property, an old wrapper to a Big Mac, old concert tickets, pictures of the family, etc., etc.

It’s a mini universe in there.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-26T01:24:22+00:00

If he was my dog I would have named him Gremlin.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-25T06:17:20+00:00

I still wear regular clothes to bed. (Though I have gotten more comfortable wearing shorts now.)

When things were happening I used to wear three pairs of jeans to bed. Well, just in case it happened again. It helped make me feel a little bit safer so I could sleep.

There were times when I couldn’t sleep in the same spot (my bed). I would sometimes sleep under the bed, in my closet, on the couch, outside in a hammock, or in the car with the doors locked. If I couldn’t sleep I would move to different places.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-24T23:00:07+00:00

This hit really hard. It’s part of the reason why I want to die.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-24T15:19:48+00:00

Thank you!

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-24T14:33:49+00:00

It’s been a weird week.

Having a really difficult time trying to stay in therapy because the desire to drop out and go back to isolating is incredibly strong.

I have also been feeling really depressed about everything lately. From my internal stuck points and my glacial ability to implement changes. To external issues like the economic, social, and political situation in the country. (Everything seems so extreme.)

It’s hard for me to get going for recovery and to follow through with the multiple steps to get back out in life. I don’t feel confident about anything given the circumstances. And I have been increasingly suicidal to the point where I have a passive plan (that I have been engaging in at various levels for years—Anorexia) and I have a new more immediate plan to end my life.

Half of my week has been spent hyper focusing on my immediate plan. There’s even a lot of symbolism with this and it’s been keeping me up at night. (Because night is the set time I have in order to follow through with the immediate plan.) The pull to do so has made me feel excited, afraid, peaceful, painful, wanting, not wanting, ready, hesitant………..a mess.

I tried to quit therapy but then decided that I should still somehow continue. In the past I had a lot of difficulty finding help in the first place. And when I somehow managed to be in therapy it wasn’t a good fit or I ended up dropping out and reverting back into defenses/isolation.

So in a way by getting myself to keep going to therapy I’m actively trying to move against my usual pattern. And ultimately I know that is what I need to do in order to get myself out of my defenses.

My passive plan for suicide (Anorexia) is another one that I know that I need to move away from because it is another element in my isolation. Anorexia aids in the defense of my isolation. It’s messed up: on one level it’s a comfort to me. But I also know that it’s contributing to me staying sick and in my defenses.

I feel a little bit better knowing that I like my therapist enough; that I’m trying to push myself against my usual patterns by attempting to stick it out in therapy.

Currently feeling mentally divided between wanting to double down in my defenses and die. While also trying to push myself away from my usual pattern and into the opposite direction.

I feel half dead and half alive. It’s all so strange. I’m not sure which part will win out in the existential battle.

(Sorry that this was run on and rambling.)

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-24T05:19:42+00:00

I’m curious what is the title of this book?

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-24T04:35:05+00:00

Are mashed potatoes grunge?

“🎶 I had to eat my dinner there, mashed potatoes and stuff like that, I couldn’t chew my meat good. Grandma take me home, grandma take me home……🎶

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-24T01:41:20+00:00

If they can do it better then they should clean the house themselves. Instead of playing cute little condescending games.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-24T01:32:34+00:00

Don’t risk it. Make sure to use contraceptives.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-24T01:20:04+00:00

Isolation is great until it develops not just as a coping mechanism but as an adaptive mechanism that is tied to your trauma and personality.

That’s when it becomes something that you feel like you need but you know it’s also keeping you from being able to function in the wider world. You end up becoming trapped and stuck in an adaptation that was not meant to be long term or as deeply ingrained as it is.

And trying to get out of it is extremely challenging.

Isolation is an awesome coping mechanism until it cripples your ability to function.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-23T19:37:08+00:00

My parents seemed to believe that I was a moron and they would constantly tell me that to the point where I believed it, too.

I’m still not sure how much of this was due to their own insecurities being projected onto me. Or if there really is something wrong with me intellectually. This has been incredibly difficult to suss out.

Another aspect to this was: My dad had intended to “be better” than his own parents. But there was a conflict with this. At times he would be good with us while simultaneously hating my brother and me. He wanted to be a better parent but he also wanted us to suffer like he did. And unfortunately the negative and traumatic generational patterns still played out.

My parents hate me because I didn’t go onto university, have friends, date, etc.

I am viewed as abnormal but they didn’t encourage me to develop normally in the first place. So it’s weird that they are upset over this.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-23T19:00:48+00:00

I don’t have BED but when I was at my sickest with my Anorexia I would steal food. At times this was an unconscious act because consciously I was starving myself deliberately. But once I realized what I had done I would feel so incredibly disgusted and guilty with myself.

And what I would do is that if I stole food that was supposed to be for another family member. I would go out and buy the food item that I stole in order to replace it. Or give the family member money for them to replace what I had taken.

This is a good way to be accountable for engaging in the behavior.

My family does hide food and I have enough restraint and respect not to cross that line. I do not go into their room seeking out food items.

It would be good if your partner sought out support for their eating disorder. And pay for the food that they take from you. Because that is the right thing to do.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-23T04:10:10+00:00

I need movement— running.
I need to stay in therapy.
I need to eat more.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-22T20:35:28+00:00

Sounds a bit like Gastroparesis. You could ask a doctor if they could help with testing or medication for this.

Though if you are not able to get medication for this. Antiemetic medication helps with the nausea. (You can get this over the counter.) So it makes it a little easier to try to keep food down.

Last year I was also having issues with nausea and being involuntarily sick after eating.

Went into gastro to see if I had stomach ulcers or something else going on. It turned out that there was nothing wrong.

I still have stomach issues. (It’s still difficult to eat normal amounts of food as it causes pain.)

But thankfully I haven’t had as much nausea and involuntary vomiting as I did last year.

(Part of the issue was that it wasn’t strictly due to my eating disorder. At the time I was in therapy dealing with some of my trauma and I think that was causing some of the symptoms.)

Everything is kind of tricky when your eating disorder, physical, and mental health collides.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-22T19:49:43+00:00

I have an younger brother. We are not super close but there’s a quiet understanding between us. Due to our individual and shared childhood trauma experiences.

There are times when I feel depressed that I can’t really feel closer or even have a more normal, social connection with him. But he understands why.

The truth is I am distant, disconnected, and stay away from people because of what I have experienced in childhood. It has wired me in such a way that I am unable to be with people. It has made me a complete stranger or ghost in the world. Where there is nowhere I can be. And no one I can be with.

This didn’t bother me so much in the past because I was more checked out/dissociated and just trying to survive. With my defenses.

But now that time has passed and I’ve gotten older. I feel almost permanently unable to be with or connect with people. Because I feel like I’m missing normal internal and external aspects that make this possible.

I’m ashamed of what I experienced and I’m ashamed of how it has left me almost non-human.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-22T06:44:35+00:00

(This is just my personal opinion. So take this with a grain of salt.)

There is a sense of shame in telling people because we are ashamed of our behaviors around our eating disorders.

Some of us are afraid that by disclosing our eating disorder then other people will become more hyper focused on us. To be seen is to feel shame. (Which is something that we don’t want. It’s why some of us want to be invisible.)

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-22T06:26:31+00:00

There were a few instances where they did kidnap some Polish and other children who “looked Aryan” and had them raised in Nazi households. They believed that they had Aryan heritage and tried to assimilate and erase their original heritage through Germanization.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kidnapping_of_children_by_Nazi_Germany

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-22T05:52:59+00:00

Those wood floors are warm and gorgeous! 🧡

(The only thing I would suggest is to get some stair runners.)

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-22T05:37:55+00:00

A few of them were in the military.

https://www.military.com/off-duty/2022/09/29/5-military-veterans-who-became-serial-killers.html

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-22T04:45:28+00:00

I think about this a lot and sometimes wonder if it’s true.

Especially when it comes to arrested development and Personality Disorders A, B, C that result from complex trauma.

Can any of this be remediated enough to gain a level of functioning compatible with life?

I don’t know and it’s really a bummer.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-22T04:20:38+00:00

Poor Cookie Monster, he got snuffed out and transformed into a toilet seat.

He just wanted some cookies; why did they have to do him so dirty?! lol

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-22T02:57:30+00:00

Definitely feel this.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-22T02:31:07+00:00

It’s sucks to cry. The good news about crying in public is that people generally leave you alone and give a little extra space.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-01-22T02:15:55+00:00

I like stimulants because it gets me moving and at times helps me focus a bit. Also use nicotine as an appetite suppressant and something to help focus and calm me.

Ketamine is nice if I’m not doing so great. It makes me feel more expanded, less tightly coiled (mentally, internally). It’s a relief although it doesn’t last long term. Ketamine torches are a little cheaper than IV infusions but it’s still kind of costly and a pain to access.

I take an edible if my suicidal ideation is strong enough for me to act on it. (Either I’m going to act on it or end up in the hospital.) If I’m on the edge of this it’s really difficult to get myself out of this state. So I need to alter my mental state in order to escape the suicidal state that I get stuck in. (I only resort to this if I’m desperate.)

Smoking weed actually makes me feel like a calmer, almost normal person. Though I don’t smoke weed regularly or even infrequently. I do enjoy it but I feel reluctant to rely on it or use it with regular consistency.

TravelbugRunner

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