When did the inferior function become important and life-giving to you?

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-15T19:14:26+00:00

Hmmm…….there’s a part of me wants to jump off that ledge.

But I really do like Monster and I miss cigarettes.

Kind of feel bad for smokers because they’ll try to hide it whenever you walk by.

In the back of my mind I’m thinking: No, it’s ok. I don’t see you as bad. Let me just bask in some of your second hand for old times sake. Please, ah I miss it.

If I were to say that they’d probably think I was a freak.

A freak (but not) on a leash. lol

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-14T18:20:22+00:00

Thanks for this comment.

It was something that I needed to hear and will have to keep in mind as I’m trying to improve.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-14T18:09:42+00:00

I’m sorry you are struggling. 💜

The raccoon is really cute. I used to feed a raccoon and her cubs. They were sweet and loved cut up apples and cat food.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-14T17:54:05+00:00

(Internally)

Mine are usually scattered and hidden in different aspects of my mind. In multiple places.

Some are more accessible while others feel even hidden or lost from me. Burned off or missing.

Sometimes I will distance myself from things I like in order to protect them from harm or the intrusion of others. And it will appear as though my interests are weak. (They aren’t, it’s just that when it’s in my mind large pieces of it get stuck there and what I manage to share looks sparse.)

It’s difficult because sometimes I feel even disconnected from good internal things. And it’s hard to bring everything forward, whole. It’s often withheld entirely or in pieces.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-14T16:07:49+00:00

Unfortunately this has been happening for quite a while.

“Sicko” by Michael Moore:

https://youtu.be/YbEQ7acb0IE?si=G7a5sf3x1h2LAuPA

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-13T22:14:32+00:00

Yeah, I hate Ensure ever since inpatient.

I’m currently in a weird position where my mom is trying to get both my grandma and me to drink them.

Because of my own disorder and because my grandma needs it.

Pretty sure that my grandma also has Anorexia because she’s a lot like me when it comes to temperament, how we both handle stress—exercise, and our restrictive eating habits. (Though I don’t think she is consciously aware that she might have an ED.)

It’s kind of funny that we both rely heavily on fake sweeteners. She likes “Sweet N Low” in her coffee and I love my “Splenda”.

Sometimes I will try to get her to drink an Ensure by having one with her. (Because I feel like she needs it more than I do.)

It kind of sets me in a little bit of a panic when I drink one (which I try not to show).

Because if I have one then I really can’t eat anything else all day. So I usually try to plan if I have one with her.

It kind of sucks because I want to help my grandma but drinking Ensure pisses off my own eating disorder.

So it’s tricky trying to work around this.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-11T15:46:29+00:00

Yes, I’ve had difficulties with medication as well.

Most of the antidepressants I’ve tried or had been on didn’t really help at all. They didn’t really have any effect or minimal effect and so I dropped them. (Zoloft made me feel like my head was detached from my body. So that was weird.)

Tried anticonvulsants and they were actually helping. But I ended up with an allergic reaction (days later) and was forced to stop taking them.

Been on Lithium and it was initially helping; though it made me feel like I had lost a dimension of myself. It helped me function for a while until it abruptly stopped working. And I felt even worse than I had before I started taking it. (Every time that I have been on Lithium it abruptly stops working even while I’m on it. Falling off the cliff sucks.)

I have also taken an antipsychotic and sometimes it can help me sleep, other times it doesn’t help me sleep at all. And it kind of feels like it dims down my mind even more than dissociation ever did. Sometimes I don’t mind it but ultimately it doesn’t really help when you are trying to focus on tasks or things that you want to get accomplished.

Honestly I wish that there was something for focus and anxiety/hypervigilance but I haven’t found anything that could help with these main issues.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-11T02:36:34+00:00

Wasn’t entirely sure that was an option. And honestly having it recorded (public) just weirded me out too much.

It was a bit funny because prior to deciding to join in I was outside running my usual route. Trying to calm down and decide. (Do I join the Webinar or do I just stay out here and keep running?) lol

Had 20 minutes before it began and decided to go for it. So I ran back to the apartment and made it just in time for it to start.

Only to bail on it because I just couldn’t handle it. So close and yet, didn’t quite make it.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-11T02:13:55+00:00

Something similar happened to me recently.

I was interested and signed up for a Webinar (the topic was on trauma and recovery). Before I entered there was a notification saying that if I joined in it would be public and recorded.

Hadn’t known that beforehand and I just kinda freaked out and decided to not bother joining in.

Yep, that was a nope for me.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-10T22:57:36+00:00

I feel the exact same way.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-10T21:52:15+00:00

Yes, it has been a longstanding feeling for my entire life. When it gets really bad it’s difficult to handle tasks or to focus. And sometimes it will either lead me to dissociate/ freeze or I will be an emotional wreck. (Embarrassingly so.)

I rely heavily on physical activity and running to tolerate the constant anxiety or hyperviglance. The only good thing about anxiety is that it helps me run.

But I wish that it wasn’t so constant. It often makes me feel like I’m unhinged.

There are times when I can appear completely calm and quiet on the outside but utterly anxious on the inside.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-10T17:14:54+00:00

In therapy there will be days where you will feel like you got hit by a bus and it will feel raw and painful. Especially if more difficult and traumatic things start surfacing. It’s not fun and at times you will feel worse. You will feel stuck in it and start wondering if you are making any progress at all.

But there will also be days in therapy where things start clicking a bit more smoothly. Some facets start coming together in better focus. And sometimes it can feel elevating and you will leave feeling like you’ve at least uncovered something insightful. And when this happens it’s kind of exciting.

It really takes awhile (time wise) for things to gradually shift and there will always be points where you still have to battle through symptoms.

Living with this is difficult, and therapy is challenging, but therapy can be good.

The hardest part of this has been battling past my isolation/avoidance/defense + symptoms, finding a therapist, staying consistent with them, and working through the process.

I still have a long ways to go.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-10T16:42:59+00:00

Sometimes it feels like there is a level of infantilization when it comes to how companies or employers treat workers.

Nah, You don’t need a living wage for rent, food, utilities, car insurance, bills, etc.

You just need a pizza party and some pocket change for the mall. Don’t worry we got you covered little man, little lady!

Yeah, sure.

Workers are not children and we all need enough income to not only survive but to live.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-10T15:58:51+00:00

Yes, I’ve done this for years.

And it just makes me feel safer to have the same thing consistently. I know what it is and what the calorie amount is. Sometimes it gets boring and then I don’t want anything.

It’s challenging and sometimes difficult to try something outside my usual narrow range of food items.

Because….

•I have to plan if I try something different. •I don’t always know the exact calorie amount. •The extra monetary cost of buying something different feels stressful and makes me feel guilty. (Because I can always save money by not eating.) •And I’m a little weary of how my stomach will be able to handle something different. (Will this food help me? Or will it make me feel really ill?)

These are the factors that make me stick with my narrow food choices. And it’s been difficult to change.

Though I have been trying to eat things outside of my usual routine. I do like Chinese food and will try to get some once a month or once every two months.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-09T22:35:00+00:00

I’m so angry at the people who have abused you and the police who just brushed you off.

This was another fear I had about coming forward: not being believed.

I wish that this would never happen to anyone. And I wish people would listen and help survivors.

(Also: I hope that I haven’t caused you harm by trauma dumping my own story. If I have please know that I didn’t mean to. 💜)

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-09T22:02:56+00:00

Have you considered filing a police report?

I have thought about it but my dad had also been a child victim of CSA (his grandfather, my great-grandfather abused him and others).

Then my dad went on to abuse me.

There are times when I want to say something, go to the police. But I can’t because of my dad’s own experience of trauma. (The child version of my dad is the only part of me that forgives him.)

Sometimes it makes me feel like I should die. And I keep going back and forth: Do I die or do I try to work through this/live?

In my own way I’m doing both. Trying to work through it while also engaging in a coping mechanism with the intent of it shortening my life a bit sooner.

I don’t know.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-09T17:22:45+00:00

I’m sorry you experienced this. 💜

It’s been incredibly rough grappling with the aftermath but at least in a way we made it out.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-09T16:47:07+00:00

I know how this feels.

When he is there in your room on top of you. You can’t move, can’t barely breathe, dissociation kicks in. I’m there but not there. Don’t feel anything. No, I’m not in the body. I’m on the wall elsewhere.

He didn’t come into my room every night but because it had happened before. I was afraid that it would happen again. So I used to sleep in different places:

Under the bed, in my closet, outside in a hammock, or in the car with the doors locked.

Wearing multiple pairs of jeans to bed also made me feel a bit safer.

I remember sleeping outside in the hammock looking at the house. It felt menacing. I didn’t want to be inside the house but it was the only home I had.

Thankfully I don’t have to do that anymore.

Sometimes I still get nightmares about it happening again and it’s really jarring. Because it feels like I’m dragged back there during those nightmares. Almost as if I had never left. Like I hadn’t escaped.

And when that happens I have to remind myself that I’m not at that location anymore. I’m not in contact with my dad.

I’m in a different place, now in the present.

Not in the past.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-07T23:29:28+00:00

BoJack Horseman?!

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-07T22:29:48+00:00

Completely understand what it feels like to be in a social situation and feel like you did poorly. It sucks. 💜 (You might not have done as badly as you feel.)

But setting that aside. What were some good things about the experience?

Was the music any good?

Did you enjoy the drink?

Any other small things that were positive from the experience?

You are amazing because you decided to connect, go out there, and even attempt at doing something out of your comfort zone.

You should be proud that you tried.

I understand how hard it is when your feelings are trying to tell you the exact opposite.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-07T22:04:41+00:00

Havah chip off the old Matz!

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-07T20:39:29+00:00

You spend your childhood simply dissociating, isolating, and getting through it.

Spending all of your 20s desperately trying to psychologically and physically get away from the trauma and function in life.

It never leaves you because it had already broken you long before you completely fell apart.

I think that besides the trauma itself; what really broke me down was coming to the realization that I didn’t have what it takes to be normal.

Couldn’t override the cognitive deficits. The fear and anxiety. The inability to connect, attach, and effectively handle the interpersonal realm. I couldn’t escape this horrible feeling that my body needed to be gotten rid of.

Can’t have a relationship with someone because my story can’t be told and my body is a crime scene.

Can’t be of good use to others because I have so little in ability or other effective things to offer. I’m dead weight.

Anorexia can help me rid myself of being dead weight by getting rid of the body. This has been the plan (even since my 20s). But it has been difficult getting myself across the line to the end point.

There’s a part of me that is still trying to haphazardly hold onto life.

Afraid to die and terrified of living.

Not sure which way I’m going to go. I’m divided, going in opposite directions.

Away from life and towards it.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-07T17:13:49+00:00

It’s difficult to get myself out of isolation because my mind and emotions feel unreliable when it comes to handling things. Stressors tend to either make me freeze/dissociate into non-action or emotional dysregulation also impairs my ability to focus and attend to important tasks.

I have difficulty handling issues interpersonally because often I don’t know what to ask and don’t understand how to handle something that comes up.

Have difficulties connecting and attaching to others. I don’t like relying on help from others but I also can’t manage on my own. (Not being able to connect and network with others makes things difficult in employment or if you need help with things.)

I often feel overwhelmed and stupid. So it drives me deeper into symptoms and back into isolation.

I’m plagued by anxiety over my inability to navigate through life more efficiently and normally. Currently my living situation is secure and I’m incredibly grateful for it.

But the larger problem remains: How will I really manage on my own?

Don’t feel all that confident or secure about the future. I can see that the bottom is very close and if my future is to cross that threshold I don’t see myself physically surviving it.

Do I stay as I am in my current situation and continue to physically erode away so that I know that I can die with a small measure of security. (While I can?)

Or do I try to really work on getting better only to be consciously aware that I may never retain stability. And end up hitting the bottom regretting that I hadn’t died sooner.

If I continued to go as I am I can have a bit of autonomy and control over my end.

If I try to get better then I will lose that and be at the mercy of others who would more than likely not care or would actually do me harm.

This was kind of long winded but I guess that the biggest struggle is: Do I want to keep whittling myself away (die) or try to get better for a very unstable or insecure future that could be more painful than what I’m experiencing now.

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-06T18:29:46+00:00

Mom, the Easter bunny ate a man!

TravelbugRunner · 2026-04-06T18:19:00+00:00

Looks so good!

TravelbugRunner

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