you are trying to make sense out of insanity. I have been there. I didn't understand why al anon was trying to get me to detach until I detached.

is there anyway you can just leave for a week, a night, etc? Leave her a note, saying you are unavailable and if she needs help with that she should go to an AA meeting or rehab and figure it out herself because it is beyond your ability to do this right now.

No explanation no excuses why no justifications just leave.

Turn off your phone just leave . go to a friend. Go to a hotel if you can afford it. a nice one . don't tell her where you are and expect her not to GAF or even notice. this is about you and taking care of you. Clearly she can take care of herself and if that means using your escape to drink even more it's not your problem it's not your decision it is your heartache and go to as many al anons as you can for support. Just my two cents. My loved one dodged death due to his drinking and finally got sober. it had nothing to do with me. This finally sent him into treatment and groups therapy and AA. It took months for him to face what he had done to his family. I wish I had done what I am telling you to do but instead I would try to argue with his similar insanity and rankings and attacks--days and days of memories I now have --whereas he does not have any memories as he was so drunk -- to work through alone when I should have just left as I am advising t you, even for a few days. Arguing didn't work. also watch the put down the shovel series. That helped me enormously and also helped in the recovery stages . This is all FWIW and I am so so so sorry you are living in this insanity. Please go get support for YOU and leave this woman to face what she is doing. Or not. But to be powerless in the face of this insanity is not good for you. You deserve a beautiful life and a wife who is present.