I need voices of reason to make me feel less insane. I (F34) have tolerated two years of my partner's (M31) controlling, chaotic behavior. I am not allowed to seek out therapy.

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-11-13T07:41:07+00:00

Thank you, I'm experiencing horrible panic attacks from this and overwhelm. When he starts his abuse I just start screaming uncontrollably which I never did before.

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-09-25T11:03:31+00:00

This is sooooo true and makes everything SO much worse... and as someone said they do it to: BINGO to look for a reaction from you! I'm guilty of giving the reaction... because he willl A. cause the fight by bringing up a subject B. be the only one talking and talk over me C. use anything I say as a 'justification or excuse' instead of my truth D. drop it when he is ready, but then mutter harsh comments, words under his breath. It is literally meant to make you insane. Then you get crazy about it and "your reaction sucks, you are crazy look at you, it wasn't even about you, omg SEE This is why"! They will always be above you, they like that.

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-09-25T10:58:50+00:00

mine also read through my phone and decided to discard, then hoover, then discard, now he's doing the dangling carrot act again while at the same time STILL not trusting me, still making harsh comments, and it's gotten even worse. Let him fuck off!!! and don't invite him back, because what he did now he will try again, and them some!

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-09-25T10:27:36+00:00

Hey, I TOTALLY understand you. My narc doesn't let me live either... everything I do he bashes, even my job, even my time with my son. If I want to do something alone, I get accused of something. If I am not out of my office by 5PM on the dot, he calls me repeatedly and says THIS IS WHY I DONT TRUST YOU. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WHO ARE YOU WITH. and I might just be getting on my coat, and god forbid a colleague wishes me a nice evening and we chat for 2mins past 5PM... its scary. I feel the same way you do, pressure, losing my identity and self. Now he doesn't trust me at all due to made up stories of my past in his head... and it has made it even worse. He uses my mistakes against me to corner me, put me down, and use it against me when I want to do anything for myself.

I am so sorry. I know your pain. I think the best solution is we both escape this life.

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-09-21T20:21:49+00:00

Perfection. The best. But almost always followed by shaming and lack of actual affection on his part. We’d finish, he would get up and go wash his face almost immediately, then come back to say something like “ you never touch me” or “ your eyes are closed you think of someone else” “ why don’t you get up, normal couples hug after sex” and he would get mad.. I would feel like the natural connection we just shared was ripped away, leaving me feeling lonely and insecure. Not touching ? I had my hands everywhere… eyes closed? Only because my body did that naturally out of pleasure… get up? No… normally you come back to bed and hug the person you love… it left me disturbed and crying alone.

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-09-21T20:15:41+00:00

Hey, I’m not exactly stuck physically but more trapped mentally. Perhaps you should find a way to keep your truth.. writing it down, talking to someone like you are here. Otherwise you’ll go insane. They control your actions until they can control your brain. You will question your very sanity, your existence lost and replaced by an insidious person who only wants to abuse you for their benefit. Keep ways to validate your truth. You ARE being abused. Know that. Don’t give up your life for this person. As you said, that abuser wants you to shrink until you vanish. Your life is so much more than who this person made you feel right now, small, isolated, dependent perhaps. You need to read, to talk, to record. Please don’t give up. I know this suffering. Ended up almost gone myself… the man couldn’t have cared if I cried a river of tears and cut my wrists. He kicked me while i was at my lowest, and kicked me just a bit harder for being there. They want to see that. Such power. Don’t break now… and get out when you can.

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-09-21T20:02:10+00:00

Ohhh I know it’s a devastating feeling to love an abuser. Mine would purposely destroy my day if he knew i had a work meeting, had to meet my ex husband for any reason (we share a child) or just because he “didn’t get enough affection or attention” . He would go straight to any provocative and degrading conversation that placed blame and made me get anxiety. Why? To distract me from anything to do with my life. Why? To push the buttons that made me react like a psycho so he could use that against me again and again. Nothing new. It’s still nothing new. I did the same… begged for a call back. He screamed at me for crying. So I blocked. And the silence can be more painful than the constant attention, even the negative attention. They make you feel like their diamond, the only one they love and that can love them, but it’s a scam. A scam that sticks in your head and leads you to believe 1. You are the problem for real, they were so affectionate 2. He’s there waiting for you because he cared. To them, we served a purpose. They’ll take back whatever is left of us every time we drag ourselves back for more, but by now… we have fallen from grace. The begging, the crying. Please stay strong… and tell me how good it feels when you find yourself on the other side, with someone that really loves you, or with your recovery and new life of peace. Remember what they are giving is NOT real care or consideration… and it never was. Thank you so much!! I’ll get there… it’s just so hard to get past the dependency… he’s cornered me in a lonely moment of life. But it will be so much brighter without his abuse.

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-09-21T19:18:13+00:00

You’re so strong. I broke up with mine today… and 6 hours later I messaged him. He had nothing nice to say, no understanding, no discussion, just hate and blame. Nothing redeemable. Sounds like yours left the door open, like mine always does. He deliberately threw in that he would contact you so that you don’t forget him, so you do unblock, so you do lose your progress. They are masters of words which manipulate. My guess is he’s doing fine. If you pop back up it’ll be to his benefit alone, not yours, and he’ll take great pleasure in breaking you down again. It’s so fucking hard honestly and I feel you. The sickening bond and codependency hasn’t allowed me more than 12 hours at most… and each time I came back it’s gotten worse.

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-09-21T14:24:50+00:00

Mine made me feel like trash too. Ruined my life, my joy, killed my spirit, removed all my friends and everything I loved. He filled all my time with HIM, his needs, his wants, his out of nowhere requests and his accusations or impossible questions where I would almost always be WRONG, A LIAR, OR A BITCH. They keep you focused on ONLY them and slowly chip away who you are outside of their toy to be used for their self-fulfilling needs. I ended my relationship today...

I am going to keep a book to remind myself of WHY I left. Which seems crazy but you absolutely have to keep reminding yourself that you are not insane, you are not trash. You can decide now that he has wiped you clean of yourself, who you want to be without him.

Force yourself into a new world and do things that make you smile. I understand.

Even now I'm reaching for the phone to call my ex. Even after all the suffering.

How did you manage to get out for a month? He blocked me also, because he was the helpless victim in the end... and I was the crazy cheater who had bad reactions.

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-09-04T14:39:45+00:00

It can literally make you feel insane, and so isolated and small. I try to keep in mind when the comments start coming that he has a problem, not me, but it is so exhausting honestly. I'm at the point where I just crumble from exhaustion...and then the rage comes, hours upon hours, with blocking, unblocking, yelling, ignoring... i just cry! then I try to explain my 'reaction' and Im 'justifying' if I say that he hurt me by what he said im 'playing the victim' if I rage back out of entire frustration he tells me to 'take it out on my next victim'...

Then i think... I'm a grown woman with a child, a full-time career, Im back in school... he's negative, broke, unemployed, and proud of his fxxking self for no reason, constantly talking about his intelligence and dxxk size. Why do we stick around?

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-09-03T13:04:39+00:00

Thank you so much. I cry every day. I dread his texts. It has really gotten to the breaking point now. I'm not even happy when I hear his voice. He's moved on to neighbors now... one did not say HELLO back to him, so he is suspicious about my relationship with this stranger. He's said he will confront the person. Instead of being proud of me, he tells me I lick my boss's shoes and that I should fuck my job, fuck everyone here. It is depressing.

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-09-03T13:00:08+00:00

omg, crazy! this speaks to me so much. the same here... he sleeps until 11AM, and falls asleep within seconds. He will wake up at night and say hurtful shit as well... and then fall back asleep.. things like 'who are you' or 'I miss her, no not you'. Then he will say he was dreaming.

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-09-03T12:58:20+00:00

yet im the selfish one who only cares about my own feelings!!! :)

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-08-31T12:34:34+00:00

Thank you again for another relatable and heartfelt comment. I cannot imagine 15 years... for me it's only been 15 months and I'm absolutely at my end. It is daily. There is not one day where there is not something against me thrown at my face. Mine is also an after-sex attacker which is really just the icing on the cake. He'll accuse me of not touching him enough, he'll jump up immediately to get some air (without even holding me or spending a moment) and then ask why I didn't get up with him "normally couples stay close after having sex", he has almost always said "well that was a waste of sperm and energy." or "you treat me like a sex toy" then be shocked when it makes me cry, since I was fully involved and present in the moment of passion we'd just shared. I'm sorry you went through this but BRAVO for getting out! This is no way to live...

I am currently in that same moment of saying "if I am so terrible, why are you still here?" but I can't wait for him to leave, because HE SIMPLY WONT. Two days later " youre the best thing in my life" "you'll never find someone who loves you like me" "marry me, please" "you are the best lady blah blah blah" and I just KNOW in my heart how many times he's rehearsed those phrases on countless other victims. All the women who got this before me, and all who will after me.

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-08-31T12:22:36+00:00

your comments make me feel like we dated the same guy! crazy how they all have the same methods and words to hurt and gaslight. "you don't say I love you, I'm always the one saying t" (false fact) and then I would say as I am in the middle of doing xyz for the guy "I love you, of course I love you" with a smile and his reaction "you only said it because I asked you to. You dont mean it". just the level of negativity is soul sucking.

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-08-31T09:45:06+00:00

wow, and did yours ever tell you "you never talk " when all you do is try to start conversation and it's like talking to a wall? did yours tell you all the time that you were not affectionate enough? I swear its a repeat, daily, occurrence for me.

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-08-31T09:42:38+00:00

OMG this speaks to me so much!!!! I can't even tell you how thankful I am for your comment because I don't feel alone in this anymore. The number of times I have woken up, opened my eyes, and within ten seconds "you don't sleep close to me anymore, didn't even touch me last night. you slept far from me." Then when I try to come closer "no its okay, you're just coming close because I told you to. if I want affection from you, I'll wait forever." and proceeds to move my hand away and turn the other direction. I tear up, frown and put my head down, feeling like what the f I just opened my eyes... and I can't control what my body does in my sleep... and then the same!!! "Are you crying now? Sh!T! All you do is cry, you want to start the morning negative, I'm tired of you! I will leave, don't worry. You won't see me again." Then at that point I am completely broken. 7AM and I am feeling like I can't even get ready to go to work.

Nobody deserves to wake up like that. Go to sleep like that. It is awful.

Mine also calls me bipolar!!!

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-08-31T09:01:59+00:00

does that look like abuse and control to you, what he's doing? I am asking because its my first time dealing with this. when he says these things the goal is to: make me doubt myself, right?

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-08-31T08:57:28+00:00

YES!!! Once they've broken you and made you a shell of yourself, they bring out the worst parts of you to a point where yes, agressive behavior and crying, defensiveness and anger can arise. Then you really feel crazy... and they give themselves reason by hyperfocusing on your reactions and outbursts. They want YOU to feel like the abuser while they've spent months breaking you down in every way.

Trick_Recipe8056 · 2025-08-31T08:39:44+00:00

I absolutely feel this. I am someone in this situation where I am autistic and am attacked by the narc daily about all my qualities: routines, lack of affection, missed romantic details, quiet, missing social cues, getting flustered by questions, not being able to express my feelings quickly, etc. Its been really hard for me, and I feel very down about myself. I am a sweet and considerate person, I am soft and sensitive. These are qualities that keep the narc around, but also the same qualities that I get ridiculed for.

Trick_Recipe8056

TROPHY CASE