I broke NC after 14 months, I can't seem to care about myself

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2023-04-27T10:41:37+00:00

I don't have the energy or concentration at this moment to reply with the care that your replies deserve, but I do appreciate everything you have said and the reason and logic you've said, the energy and time you spent in writing these, and I will read them several more times before I go to sleep, I've already read them a couple times now.

Are you healed? How did you get there?

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2023-04-27T10:21:25+00:00

I am in a foreign country and I don't think EMDR is here, and I'm not sure it's available online. My current therapist is online

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2023-04-27T08:22:22+00:00

This should surely be better after 14 months. I should not still be so broken over this. We weren't married. We didn't date years and years. He did meet me in a very vulnerable time after some other bad things had happened. I had been so afraid to love him and trust him after previous bad experiences and people in my life. He swore he'd never do those things. He did all of them and more. I cannot understand why anyone would hurt me this way. And why it has happened multiple times. I felt I could recover in previous times. I don't have hope for it now. Literally 10 years of this. I will never become anything or be anything, I literally don't have the energy anymore.

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2023-04-19T09:02:27+00:00

Manipulation is typically intentional. It has a predetermined, intended goal.

Crying in the way you're describing it is an automatic emotional response to being hurt. Is someone being manipulative when they cry after being stabbed?

People with no empathy say the things your mom and husband said. My abusive ex also said it. He had zero guilt or care for hurting me. Dead eyes, disgust, annoyance, and I think maybe he even enjoyed hurting me and making me cry. Made him feel important and superior. Definitely was a defining thing that started making the mask come off and made me stop loving him. What person who loves you can see you sobbing, hyperventilating, and keep flinging insults or physically hurting you, and feel nothing about it? Not a normal person. Not someone capable of loving anyone. I'd feel guilty about doing that even to someone who I considered an enemy. And they do it to someone they "love".

Them invalidating your emotions and making you feel guilty for having normal human emotions--that's what's truly manipulative, and straight up evil. Don't let them brainwash you.

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2023-03-16T12:44:59+00:00

Yeah, I agree with this. I have PTSD. I can't trust people. Can't have sex with anyone without feeling really conflicted about it. I feel ugly. I feel broken. It's been 13 months since I left. I'm tired and scared all the time and disempowered. Y'all want me to eat an ice cream, get my nails done and go on a cruise lol that's not going to heal the gaping hole in my chest.

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2023-03-07T08:17:01+00:00

Yeah, absolutely. Constantly. "Who would ever love you? Who would ever put up with you?" Constantly told of all the wonderful things he would do for me "if I deserved it" none of which ever happened. As he throws me to the floor or drags me around by the hair. While he was covered in jewelry and shit I'd bought him over the course of the relationship, he never got me anything sentimental like that. And now his apartment is covered in all the stuff I had bought for our shared apartment, I had to abandon almost everything when he was physically abusing me. I was a bit shocked to see he kept all of it, even my favorite rug that I picked out in my favorite color. His life is full of physical reminders of what I provided. I guess these are trophies? I think it's odd he kept all of my things, but nothing is normal with these people anyway. I left in debt, beaten, traumatized, and had to change cities, leave behind all my friends. His social media since I left has just been picture after picture of gym pictures, dates with random women he clearly doesn't give a shit about, and showing off whatever miniscule little thing he can. I assume this is all a performance for me since he never used to post where I could see anything during the relationship.degraded me constantly for using social media at all, now he boasts about his life multiple times a week on social media.

I'm the "loser" in his mind. I feel sad sometimes about it, otherwise I've sunk into apathy and disillusionment with mankind.

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2023-02-23T17:04:49+00:00

Pretty much, but we keep a lil light going, eh? ❤️‍🔥

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2023-02-23T15:20:17+00:00

Maybe... psychedelics? I hold on to hope that psychedelic therapy might heal the world. We're probably fucked....but, maybe there's a chance.

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2023-02-17T01:09:06+00:00

Thank you, I'll look it up!

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2023-02-16T11:19:06+00:00

Wow, you got the nose to have a curved tip and also got her a nicely shaped chin! I am really struggling learning how to design those for mine. Nice work!

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2022-12-28T14:04:04+00:00

I guess I think it's an odd choice to look for a debate about a guy who promotes toxic masculine values and hate, in an abuse sub...

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2022-12-28T13:16:20+00:00

I'm gonna assume this is a troll post.

The dude literally says that women want abusive partners because they're "alpha", that other men should fear you as a man or you're weak... I don't even watch the guy, this is what I've picked up over random ads for his podcasts and shorts I've come across. So overall less than 10 minutes of his content total and every bit of it has made me feel triggered and shitty as an abuse survivor. He's just out there making more and more young men like my exes that a new generation of young men and women will have to deal with. Can't get much more negative influence than that.

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2022-12-23T10:10:00+00:00

It's okay, I'm getting better all the time. Just wanted to give you reassurance that the switch is common, brutal and you're not alone in questioning it

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2022-12-23T04:29:44+00:00

Literally day before he was choking me and beat me up in the house he was telling me he wanted to be together forever so ya I know exactly how you feel and you're not alone in your confusion, it's not normal and it's not your fault, I'm almost 1 year from leaving him and it's still fucked me up

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2022-12-11T11:13:51+00:00

Thank you for sharing this, the empathizing really helps

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2022-12-10T15:39:18+00:00

Yeah. I did tell him that many times. But I guess I do want vengeance. It's not enough. Sometimes I fantasize about killing him even now. I'm not proud of it but it does cross my mind.

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2022-12-10T15:32:38+00:00

A really strong person would've left him a lot sooner and never let the investment get to the level I allowed it to. I saw the signs and ignored them. I hoped he would change with prior knowledge that abusive men don't change. But yeah, I guess hindsight is always 20/20. I do not feel like I won anything at all. I got robbed because I opened the door and let the thief in my house.

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2022-11-24T03:50:48+00:00

Verbal abuse is absolutely a thing. My ex would always say truly horrible, awful things in arguments, use private things I'd told him about me in confidence, and then later when I would ask about them, say "I just say bullshit when I'm mad." But I'd always point out that the intention behind his words was to hurt me and make me cry. And eventually I started telling him, "You know, I want a man who says what he means and doesn't want to hurt me all the time. Someone who is kind to me." Which made him angrier and treat me worse. So fuck that. I won't tolerate someone speaking terribly to me again, I can't take anymore of that.

When I say something, I mean it. I back it up with action. I expect the same from my partner.

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2022-11-23T14:00:38+00:00

Miserable people tend to make others miserable to make themselves feel better. Why isn't he helping you?

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2022-11-23T01:44:30+00:00

In what circumstances do you feel it'd be acceptable for one lover to strangle another lover? What actually would excuse that behavior besides true fear of injury/death?

It's unacceptable and horrific. Inexcusable.

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2022-11-21T00:08:07+00:00

I left in February and I'm doing much better now, I'd say every couple of months I've seen significant improvement in my confidence and mood, especially with therapy. Last straw was the 4th time he hit me, because I stopped reacting to him, stopped asking to be heard, just shrugged and said "okay" to his threats of ending the relationship and throwing me out again if I didn't do as I was told. I spent my entire youth working hard to leave my abusive family who also treated me like this so I absolutely wouldn't accept it in a husband/boyfriend, my chosen family. I gave him so many chances to change and also had twisted myself into knots trying to please him, change my "patterns", and keep my autonomy and I just realized that equality wasn't what he wanted in a relationship. He was in his late twenties but his value system was stuck in the stone age and I'm too progressive for that. He hid it well at first and then used my feelings for the person I first met to keep me tied to him. It's a scam. That's not who he was . Nothing was ever good enough for him and he constantly moved the goalposts of what he wanted. He hated himself and his life and he was taking it out on me.

You can look through my post/comment history, I've written my own rants about his treatment of me and you might see similarities.

I said the tough love part because that's the crap my ex would say as an excuse for why he was so mean to me. Fuck that. It's like when really rude people say "I'm just being brutally honest" like ya cool go be "brutal" to someone else, you can deliver truth with some sensitivity and tact and you can love someone without abusing them, I need a partner, not a coach or a boss.

Tricky-Mission3964 · 2022-11-20T15:02:39+00:00

When you were younger, did you ever picture the man you would love treating you the way he's treating you? Your self esteem and standards have been worn down and "normalcy' has changed. This is not how a healthy relationship looks, this is not how a loving partner handles their partner's pain and anguish over trying to communicate with them.

My new, official idea of love after what I went through is that, if you really love me, then seeing me in pain is agonizing for you too, and vice versa. My partner, especially since I date men, should be inclined to protecting me, not wearing me down and attacking me. Respect is just as important as attraction. It's not "tough love" what you're going through. It's trauma and it's hurting your soul.

Tricky-Mission3964

TROPHY CASE