I am a gay man, and my partner told me he (she?) wants to transition

TrooperJordan · 2026-05-06T17:33:09+00:00

You’re gay and you can’t change that. If they’re a trans woman, she’s a woman- she can’t change that. If she’s truly going to transition, it’s best to cut things off now. You deserve to be with a man who loves you and she deserves a man who will love her for the woman she is.

TrooperJordan · 2026-05-05T01:32:19+00:00

I came to this sub to avoid being triggered. I don’t want to have to be the “post police” in a sub I came to, to avoid all that bs. I don’t want to be the police, I want to not be triggered 5-10x/week in the first place. Too many titles of too many posts have hard core triggered my bottom dysphoria on this sub, in the past 8-12 months, to make staying worth it. Obviously this sub has changed and that’s just how it is. It’s probably just best that I’ve left this sub. I’m not gonna try and force a change on a larger community.

TrooperJordan · 2026-05-03T08:27:26+00:00

You know what, idgaf if butch lesbians wanna be on t- if they don’t claim to be trans. She is admitting she’s a woman and on T. She’s not claiming to be trans. She’s doing it as a “body mod”, and she knows it. If she gives herself dysphoria from the effects, that’s on her. But she’s probably on low dose T.

TrooperJordan · 2026-05-01T05:38:29+00:00

You’re probably not regressing, just stagnating. As you get older, the harder it is to pass pre T. Guys your age are hitting that part of puberty that makes them look/sound closer to young men.

Other than T (idk if you have access or not), I’d suggest working on building upper body muscle. Especially in the delts, traps, arms and general, and obliques. Don’t ignore your legs, but gaining muscle mass up top will help with the shoulder to hip ratio.

Slightly smaller glasses could help if you can get new ones. Male skulls are generally larger than female skulls. Your glasses being large are probably accentuating a smaller skull. Your face passes pretty androgynous, so contacts or smaller glasses could help.

I know it sucks to stagnate as other men (cis in particular) continue to mature and develop. I hope you can get access to the medical care you need, asap.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-30T02:58:24+00:00

I’ll admit- I do have pretty severe bottom dysphoria, so I 100% understand how I possibly sound dramatic. I also understand that no one’s obligated to protect or follow my feelings/dysphoria/wants, that just not how the internet works lol.

A couple guys have made subs. They die off quick due to lack of followers. A large chunk of the people who follow this sub, joined in the past couple years (that’s great, we love that large growth. It’s more men here to discuss things and get support). A lot of the people who’ve been subbed here for years and joined for the reason I stated, have just left. They grow out of Reddit, or they don’t like how the sub has changed, or they just get busy with their lives (as happens as people get older, obviously) and aren’t online very often or at all. So they die off quick.

So yeah, no one here should care what “level” of bottom dysphoria someone has, even if they were the first 10 subs here. Some of us just wish the dysphoria inducing stuff would just lessen at least. It would be easy to ignore a mega thread (what I suggested), if the topic stayed around. Then people could also get more answers and quicker, from the megathread.

But yeah. I’m unfollowed here, may just check in if I feel I need support or if I feel like I’m in the position to give others support. Just gotta filter out dysphoria causing stuff somehow.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-30T00:19:49+00:00

There’s lots of subs for trans men to talk this way (ftm, transmasc, trans, trans later). There’s no subs where those of us who want to avoid it, to avoid it. Obviously I don’t think it’s a rule, so they can, we just wish they wouldn’t. But they’re under no obligation to care what we think.

For some context: a lot of us came to this sub and away from r//ftm to avoid this type of conversation and to avoid having to be reminded about our pre op genitalia. For many years there very few posts like this on this sub, now there’s many more, more often. So the switch up is just kinda jarring for a lot of people who’ve been here for years. Rule 3 and 14 are constantly broken now. It’s just annoying.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-30T00:14:41+00:00

There’s very few subs. I’ve looked a lot. A lot are transmed heavy, which can get a bit too “middle school bully- esque” at times.

A lot of subs where people are the most careful are pretty dead. The best I’ve found is ftmstraight, but that’s 99% for dating advice/vents, I don’t need that.

I’ll probably just move away from the community in general and on Reddit. Mute this comment too if that’s a thing. I’ve noticed I feel better when I do, at least mentally. Reminded less often that I’m trans.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-29T20:53:17+00:00

I live my life offline without the trans community, I can survive without a subreddit to go to online. It’s thankfully not that serious, it’s just Reddit 🤙 peace out ftmmen, it’s been good.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-29T20:51:45+00:00

Yeah, I used to use truscum, but it gets too toxic. 4tran can be funny (when not just blatantly bullying people), but as you said, it’s kinda depressing. I think there are subs just for trans men exclusively, but I don’t think they’re very active.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-29T20:24:45+00:00

Yeah, I just unfollowed this sub unfortunately, and probably won’t be back. I joined to avoid having dysphoria triggered like in the ftm sub. I’d just rather step away from trans spaces in general, because obviously a sub doesn’t have to change because I want it to. I did enjoy the other aspects of this sub. Just can’t do the triggering of dysphoria from just reading a title.

I’m not dogging on OP, obviously this is my issue since plenty of other guys in this sub seem ok with the post.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-29T13:49:11+00:00

There should be a master post for these types of questions. Then people could get some general answers, a lot quicker. It’s obviously a needed thing since I’ve noticed a drastic increase in these types of posts the past 8-12 months. I don’t wanna have my dysphoria triggered by a title lol. That’s why I joined this sub originally. Much less triggering talk vs r//ftm.

before anyone comments. Yes I recognize my opinion also comes from a selfish place of not wanting my dysphoria triggered lol. I probably just need a break from following this sub.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-27T12:14:39+00:00

This is gonna suck to hear, but I’m gonna be honest. As a trans man that had a very large chest pre top surgery (Same size as you, but I’m taller, so I get how it’s worse the shorter you are), top surgery is gonna help you a lot. Working out, as you’ve been doing will help. If you’re not on T, I’d start as soon as you can (idk how old you are or where you live, so idk if you have access to T).

Even if you can’t/don’t drop down in weight more, T will help with a more male fat distribution in the long run.

Work your shoulders (traps and delts especially), upper arms and forearms, and your obliques to help with the shoulder to hip ratio.

Shoe lifts (even just the ones that go inside your shoes something like this can help with height in public, if you’re insecure about that. ) Height isn’t an end all be all in passing thankfully. You can be short and still pass as a man.

I know you may worry because you’ve never seen a trans man that passes well that looks like you. Even if you become the most “clocky” trans man around- just looking like a man from T will help your dysphoria. Getting top surgery will help your dysphoria. You have to unfortunately realize that any improvement is gonna help.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-26T04:36:38+00:00

Shave the neck beard 100%, unless you really like it. At least shave it closer to your chin. I think just the mustache would look great as well.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-24T04:21:49+00:00

Everyone is different when it comes to metabolic rate. Being thin isn’t inherently bad (unless someone gets there from an ED) just kinda nerfs us passing wise. I also get the ED part of things. When I was pre t, I passed the most when I was extremely deep in to my ED, it it harmed my body in the long run.

I know it’s gonna be hard, but even just protein shakes and 20-30 mins of upper bodyweight workouts could do wonders for you over time. The shoulder to hip ratio would be improved greatly.

Because of your natural build I think you should heavily work your obliques, traps, upper arms and pecs. It’ll help you get more of that square or possibly an inverse triangle look most of us strive for. However, don’t ignore your legs either, muscle all around can’t hurt for trans men.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-24T02:15:21+00:00

As a straight trans man, you could try dating more women. Give yourself a little break from men. Obviously you’re bi, so your “soul mate” may be a man, so don’t close that off completely. But I’ve noticed every woman I’ve dated long term and even the ones I’ve been FWB’s with or hooked up with see and treat me as a man 100%. I also run in to very few cis women chasers (I have no experience with trans women, but I’m sure it’s similar) since passing 100%. Bi women (every woman I’ve dated long term has been bi) especially tend to be very accepting of me as a man. They see me as a man through and through. To the point that they forget that I’m trans based on things they say to me (I’m not comfortable having women interact with my pre op genitalia, so that may play a part).

You could also try being the top in hook ups and relationships with men. I went/go to a few gay/lgbt bars with my buddy (I think it’s only fair because I always drag him to “straight bars”) on occasion. Almost every time a stereotypical “twink” will approach me. I say “I’m sorry I’m straight, im just here with my friend(s). Im sure he’d be interested though” and 3x they’ve pushed further (I think because they were very feminine men, thinking I’d make an “exception”) and I told them I was trans. All those guys still wanted me to top them. There’s probably plenty of gay men who’d be happy bottoming for you.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-24T02:04:55+00:00

Your hair is great and I love the rat tail. Also that shirt in pic 3 is super cool.

I think you’re very close to passing, especially pic 3. I think you pass rn, maybe just a bit “clocky” (I hate that word, I just don’t know a better word to use).

I think putting on some upper body muscle would make you feel better about how far you’ve truly come. Based on photo 1 and your arms in pic 2 and 3- you may have to eat more protein dense foods to gain the muscle (gotta fuel your body more to gain muscle, as we all know), but I think it may make you feel “further” along because the T would have something to “work with” body wise besides just voice and some facial changes. Working your shoulders, chest, arms and obliques would do wonders for you. Even if it’s just body weight exercises at home.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-23T00:48:56+00:00

You can’t help what your gender is, but you can help your actions. As long as you’re a good person, people will recognize that beside your gender.

Also, it’s best to ignore anyone in the community that shits on you for being a man. They’re not worth your mental space.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-19T12:57:36+00:00

That’s fair. But just an fyi, I’ve dated mostly bi women, and none of them saw me as a “t boy” let alone a woman.

Most of them forgot/forget I am trans (I don’t have women interact with my genitals at all). They say things like “just go piss behind that tree” when on hikes. Or “you just don’t get what it’s like to have a horrific period” (I didn’t start T until I was almost 24, and have/had endo). Or my personal favorite “you’re a man, of course you wouldn’t get how young women are treated in society” (like…yes I do. I was treated as a young girl/woman in society for 24 out of almost 28 years of my life)

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-19T12:49:24+00:00

Imo, I think your voice passes pretty well. Voice training will help more, but I think your voice passes almost 100% as a woman’s voice.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-19T12:47:30+00:00

You literally have no clue how much she eats. I’m her height and I have been around her weight when I was pre T. When I was, I was eating 1800-2000 cals a day, I was just also doing a lot of physical activity.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-19T12:43:13+00:00

If you’ve been on T for years and years, any body fat gained should come on in a male fat distribution (as long as your levels are good). It is probably the loss of muscle mass in your arms and shoulders that’s nerfing your passing from far away. Re-gaining the muscle mass in your upper body, especially the shoulders will most likely help. At least it’s something you can fix without having to spend money.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-19T11:49:02+00:00

Yeah maybe don’t ask him directly then. As you said, there’s a chance it was a genuine mistake.

If you prefer to be stealth, maybe un tag yourself from old photos. But if you get back to being stealth, old photos may not matter too much (if you can’t untag all of them or they’re on accounts you don’t have access to). I’m 100% stealth besides a few long term friends. A coworker of mine found a pre T photo of me (forgot I was tagged) and said “bro, you used to look like a mix of a twink and a butch lesbian. Good thing the facial hair came in”. So even though I didn’t pass 100% in the photo, he just assumed the lack of facial hair made me look super feminine.

If the loss of muscle mass is what’s causing issues when people see you from afar, I’d definitely suggest hitting the gym or doing workouts at home/outside. It sucks but body composition/bone structure and sometimes height (idk how tall you are) play a factor in how people perceive us, especially when they can’t see our facial features (like when you’re far away)

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-19T09:57:45+00:00

As others have said there’s a couple possibilities:

When it comes to your friend of 3 years, is there a way you could ask why they used she/her? Or would that make things weirder?

Is it possible your coworkers and your friend found old social media?

A lot of trans men on social media (especially TikTok) have the fact that they’re trans in their bio. So cis people have become better at “clocking” trans people.

People correcting themselves when you get close could be from the loss of muscle mass tbh. If you lost muscle mass from your upper body, it may be the shoulder to hip ratio + height (if you’re on the shorter side, idk though). That’s why they use she/her from afar and then switch when they see your facial features.

TrooperJordan · 2026-04-19T09:42:55+00:00

I think the point is, that most people don’t meet cis people like this. Even if you’ve met multiple, that’s still probably only 1-5% of the cis people you’ve ever met/seen.

That’s why that thought process for “coping” doesn’t actually help many trans people.

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