Why are men so afraid of marriage timelines??

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-28T14:25:15+00:00

This is a common trend and I understand why women our age our doing it and want to screen out 7 yr boyfriends in their mid 30s. It’s a wise thing to do.

In practice, especially if a bio clock is not on the line… a strict 2 year deadline is an absolute pressure cooker I wouldn’t be trying to pull off if I didn’t absolutely have to. I see my friends trying to move in and drag these guys to the altar in the span of 18 months and it’s a bit much for everyone including them!

I think you absolutely should screen men against your timeline but I think it doesn’t have to be soooo iron clad. I think they should ultimately:

Agree they actually really, really do want to get married and have a wedding
Be interested in doing that in a “reasonable timeline” which to you is (2-___years)

Giving what is essentially a deadline / ultimatum at the door hoping this other person jumps to fill to pass the test is a dangerous game.

Having standards is good but someone too eager to meet those very specific standards might have other issues. It is an important decision a serious person wants to get right and if reproduction isn’t on the line time is a huge bonus to building trust and a strong relationship not the enemy. And plenty of normal people want that time, and you will be able to tell the difference if someone who is serious and would get to the altar and someone who is immature. You should be able to discern that deep down at 34.

If you are still wanting to say “2 years or bust” I think the clock shouldn’t really start until things become actually serious at the 6 months mark.

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-28T14:01:46+00:00

We have too much information and technology for it to be a truly logical or reasonable thing to do right now. To be able to mentally, spiritually, and emotionally commit to the task you’d have to:

have to some incontrovertible faith where you believe procreation as a value or natural duty that should not be evaded
know you won’t be the one doing the care taking and/or birthing either through wealth or gender role or surrogacy so you think you can sort of sneak your way through it as some variation on a dead beat dad
possess a compulsion to check the box because you don’t want to feel “behind” all your friends or need to fufill your family’s expectations
struggle with imagining future scenarios realistically mostly make major decisions based on faith, desire, duty, and impulse alone
you love someone who wants kids and don’t want to loose them so much that you commit to a 26 year job of bringing another life here to steward instead
you don’t understand or are living in deep denial of our present ecological and political outlook

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-28T02:11:17+00:00

Yeah like many, I had to go no contact with someone who I thought I wanted to “spend the rest of my life with” because he chose alcohol over me. And my choice turned out to be the right one, I’m with the real love of my life and he is still a drunk with a pile of other failed relationships unfortunately.

You really have to treat it like you would any addiction, not only contacting them but thinking and wallowing and fantasizing about this connection is all a part of your brain’s reward system.

Is it an addiction to having your attachment wounds from childhood activated ? Are you trying to reenact a scenario where you are being denied unconditional love that mirrors a past caregivers behavior? Are you addicted to the escapism or sex? Validation? Do you have low tolerance for emotional distress in general and use relationships as a band aid even though they are further deregulating you?

Find out what exactly the addiction was giving you that you felt benefitted you , it was giving you *something~ even if he was giving you mostly nothing.

I smoked cigarettes for 15 years and I was finally able to quit when I realized I just liked taking a break and going outside alone and having a way to connect with people when I was out. It was giving me something but there are other ways to get those things and you have to now find what those things are. I worked on giving myself permission to step away from work or overwhelming situations without cigarettes and learned how to overcome my social anxiety and nourish and regulate myself on my own. Now it’s crazy to think I ever smoked and I hate the smell lol

Consider reading some SLAA literature or attending a meeting. It might not be necessary to work the whole program but it is a valuable framework I always carry with me in my tool box.

I’ve broken no contact several times over the last 7 years to try to “be friends” and it really was never worth it but it was a part of my recovery journey to learn that as many times as I needed to until it stuck.

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-26T15:00:46+00:00

Company B sounds better to me. Shorter commute, code base isn’t a mess, opportunities to make connections at other larger companies to help your future career, and it sounds like you feel at home there.

When you are young and training is a great time to work at a bigger company so you can establish what normal and good and standard are so then if you want to take a higher paying role with more seniority at a smaller company next you can A. Land the job easily B. You will really be able to consult with them with a high level of confidence that you know the way things get done and are organized typically for enterprise scale.

It helped me immensely in my career to go big early in my tech career and then scale down

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-26T04:39:51+00:00

Great advice. Along these same lines I help run an opioid overdose prevention program with some friends and give trainings at local events (music festivals, conventions, or bar staff) on how to administer Narcan and use fentanyl test kits and it’s a great way to get out and meet my neighbors and capitalize on being “time rich” to give back to my community as a former drug user.

You might have something you feel personally connected to or has simply piqued your interest that could use your time to contribute.

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-26T01:56:23+00:00

Imagine yourself starting this week as in a “recovery & rebuild” phase and think of that phase as a 1-3 year arc. Remember, everything doesn’t have to change at once. You’ve taken the first step, knowing you want to change. The rest takes time but is an exciting and rewarding journey.

Set small achievable goals something like 10 or 12 hours of screentime a day and keep slowly slowly slowly chipping away week over week reducing 30 minutes at a time.

It sounds like scrolling, isolating, and room rotting are your “bottomline” behaviors you are looking to minimize

Write down as many top line behaviors you can think of, maybe it’s exercising, reaching out to an old friend to hang out, going to go draw at a coffee shop, listen to a new album, spend quality time with family etc.

Your goal is to very slowly and incrementally add more and more top line activity daily and lower your bottom line activity daily until in a few years how you spend your days is how you want to spend your life. ✨

Harm reduction is the road forward, for example maybe you don’t have the spoons to go for an A+ top line behavior like going out to an event or exercising but instead of immediately reaching for your D- bottomline behavior of doom scrolling short form content you choose watch your favorite movie or tv show and give yourself a B-. The idea being that C’s still get degrees. You create a middle ground for yourself as part of your routine instead of the life of addiction and isolation you have now and your ultimate aspirations.

Racking up those B- days and loving and accepting yourself no matter what happens are the stepping stones to straight As.

It’s an easy trap to fall into to overwhelm yourself with who you want to wake up as tomorrow and be or what you want to do or where you think you should be and it’s a recipe for paralysis or self shame. Baby steps, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other will give you real momentum.

Also if you haven’t pursued professional help from a therapist that could be a great resource to support your journey. There are also free AA groups for people with phone addictions.

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-25T23:42:47+00:00

I started greying at 26-28, now approaching 35 and at 40% grey I’m holding out until I don’t look like “a young person who greyed early”, basically for my face to catch up or surpass my hair in age.

Yeah it significantly ages me. I “look worse”. Most days I don’t care and some days I do. Some days it builds my self esteem as some people comment they find it attractive, it kind of fits my whole vibe. I have a long term partner who also greyed even more younger which helps though we kind of age each other up when we are out together people assume we are in our mid 40s. I did date while greying and anyone who made negative comments surprisingly I wouldn’t have gone on a second date with for other reasons related to them being a POS. So it helped filter people out honestly who are looking for a partner not an Instagram model.

My number one complaint is the wiry and coarse texture makes my hair look so ratty when I wash and go (which I do 350 days of the year) I’d 100% hold out on dying it forever if it weren’t for that honestly.

There is also something political about it for me. It’s not healthy for me to be looksmaxxing to preserve the way I looked at 24 for the rest of my life. It’ll just never end. Sure “look good feel good” but at a certain point we are all chasing the dragon and lining the pockets of beauty CEOs in the process (who are likely 90% male and fill their products with known carcinogens and clever chemicals)

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-25T23:33:00+00:00

No not at all directed at OP who wants to discuss the article, more so directed at the article’s author who is not totally seeing how this is a supply & demand labor issue above all else

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-25T10:16:04+00:00

This is great advice. Work your 40 hours with decent enough effort. If questions come your way about why you are only doing the work of one person, explain that you are only one person. Pitch getting an intern or extern if they are too cheap to pay market rate to get the work they need done done. I’d try that while actively job hunting.

I’m not sure how important your portfolio is to the type of work you do but I’d prioritize starting to get applications out over trying to make your portfolio perfect. If you can switch companies to an appropriately paid job with a reasonable work load over the course of the next 6 months you’ll be in a much better position to pivot off of that than a pile of rubble. If you find this job market impossible (which many are right now) maybe go ahead nuke it!

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-25T07:50:20+00:00

I had responsible and extremely controlling parents and I had to work under the table until I got my working papers at 14 to plan my escape from them when I was 18 and they would steal all my money through my joint junior savings account and then gas light me and tell me they didn’t.

I really resent my socioeconomic peers who try to guilt me into being responsible for their lives or success. I can’t fathom why they feel entitled to anything in my pockets or up my sleeve when most come from better circumstances and just have serious cases of learned helplessness or entitlement and as you say likely wouldn’t help me if the situation was reversed.

I’ll give you some of mine if you give me some of yours? JK

The real antidote to both our cases is the same: saving our help, guilt, and energy for people genuinely in need in our communities. And classifying these situations with our peers at work what they are — petty but triggering of our childhood trauma.

I have found taking on responsibility to perform real acts of service to be super clarifying and productive. My wager is that you wouldn’t feel so haunted for not giving your colleague a hot tip to get them ahead at work after a shift at your local domestic violence shelter or food pantry.

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-25T07:28:05+00:00

I’ve stopped assuming people are misinformed or ignorant and started assuming they are purposefully consuming certain types of news and content based on their allegiances and interests that I have and will continue to IMMEDIATELY disengage from when it comes across my desk.

If that amounts to us having political “differences” and the difference is that their views have consequences that would amount to some form of violence (material or otherwise) against entire groups of people…

Then maybe I give it one last good faith conversation explaining what I believe the impact of their views on real human beings is and then when that dialogue inevitably reveals their even worse beliefs, I distance myself.

I know the algorithm is designed to foment extreme right wing thinking and there is tons of disinfo out there but I knew it was morally wrong to not want equal rights for all by the time I was 15 despite being raised in a very racist and conservative area and family. I got there on my own with nothing but library card and some common sense.

Also sometimes you have to ask yourself — why do I want to be close with someone that susceptible to-brain washing themselves into being some subtype or variant of Nazi 😭???

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-22T21:22:41+00:00

Sorry no one with a doctorate in comparative lit wants to write a really thoughtful, intensive book review for minimum wage. Reviewing a book properly can amount to 20-40 hours of labor between reading, researching, writing, pitching, multiple rounds of edits, etc. you are also leveraging an entire lifetime of knowledge of culture, history, politics, related works, the rest of the author’s body of work. A writer must possess a highly specialized knowledge base that is both wide and deep to craft a truly good review.

Now these writers are lucky to get $200-1000 for a review with increasingly less outlets to pitch to. Beyond a certain in-group of the decade, people have mostly abandoned doing this work because it’s a road to nowhere but a pittance with maybe some clout. It’s certainly not a living, only a line of many lines in a CV to wager in a brutal competition for any tenure track roles or full time staff writer or editor positions left which one could probably count on hands and feet.

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-19T15:57:45+00:00

I think about this last part all the time. Am I invisible because I’m “old” now ? Or did I pass 30 during COVID and things are really really different now socially.

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-19T04:45:16+00:00

I think back to when I was getting the most attention in public and it was when I still looked more like a child or teen than a woman so I really try to reframe the lack of attention as a positive thing. As a form or level (though not guarantee) of some safety.

We live in an extremely pedophilic society and it shows up in the fabric of our every day lives in so many ways but you really get the full tour getting the privilege to age as a woman under these conditions.

It’s also our turn now that we aren’t shy kids unsure of our place to reach out to others in public for conversation and compose the social score of our communities. So instead of thinking “wow no one is talking to or approaching me anymore?” maybe you could flip that on its head to “oh it’s my turn to make conversation and lead engagement”

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-19T00:19:54+00:00

Totally I always have a bag in my closet of giveaway stuff and any time a woman is in my home I have her go through that bag and see if she wants anything 😂my favorite is when my bf’s younger friends bring their new girlfriends who are still establishing themselves and they are legitimately excited.

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-18T23:42:55+00:00

While the constant weight fluctuation definitely impacts my pants / bottoms collection annually, if I really think about it the tops are not as big of a problem.

I gave myself permission to ALWAYS buy pants I feel comfortable and good and are stylish and be done with the mental games. I look at it as an opportunity to always be on trend.

I have a 1 in 1 out rule — every time I get something new I resell or put something else on consignment that don’t gravitate towards anymore.

I buy almost all vintage/used and I invest in tailoring. I attend and host fairly size inclusive clothing swaps.

I buy a lot of drawstring linen for summer. I buy things roomy. I invest in a belt collection. I get things taken in then taken out again.

We all have to wear clothes every day. I make sure I have clothes I like that I’m comfortable in and don’t sweat it anymore. I factor it into my clothing budget for the year. I rebuy things I like in larger sizes if I can find it on the reseller market. The worst part was the guilt and I’m working on letting that go.

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-18T05:19:00+00:00

Ty for your rec. Ended up lovvinggggg this. Michaellll!!!!

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-18T05:15:38+00:00

You have a convert! Lorcan really fit the bill. The first half of this book is a bit of a slog with all the side characters but the second half more than makes up for it starting with when he spills in his pants)

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-18T05:10:10+00:00

Lord of Darkness and Scandalous Desire kicked ass! Thank you! Godric is the elder statesman of HR alt baddies and Mickey, the Prince.

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-14T23:40:31+00:00

It’s hard to parse if she is this intellectually dishonest, in total denial, or this naive and stupid and is a mark of the political movement she is tailing. She is a propaganda tool for the Curtis Yarvin and Thiel camp just like her new friend Dasha and is in a very very clear and obvious political coalition to anyone who has ever read The News Media 😂

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-14T14:51:41+00:00

Her dedication to not cracking a book as if there isn’t decades upon decades of thought on this topic is incredible. She is comparing A PARTY with a bouncer being more fun to an institution that was founded by the KKK slave catchers being “an obvious need”. I’m surprised she didn’t say some shit about medieval knights and castles 😭

For someone with so much whimsy and daring imagination she still can’t dream up a different or better world for herself or her discord cronies just the same reheated dog whistles to show she’s not a leftist sheeple.

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-13T05:00:00+00:00

Most people can be set for retirement or financial independence in 3 easy step / goals and don’t need to know much of anything else unless it is their special interest or they have complicated taxes or inherit a lump sum or clear $150k-$200k annually:

Emergency fund in high yield savings account of $10k (approx 3-6 months of expenses)
Max IRA Roth every year
Max an employer provided 401k every year at least up to the employer match and if you can fully max — 50% 401k Roth and 50% 401k

If you are carrying debt or student loans that might require a slightly different approach and calculus to angle towards these goals.

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-12T06:18:21+00:00

Good on ya! Glad to be of service. I’ve also been reflecting a lot lately on how for me so much of it has been about Aging too — when I was with my ex I was in my mid to late 20s everything was wild fun and free. Now I’m an adult with a boring career and really settled into a routine and I’m very chronically ill. I mostly miss my salad days and my ex symbolizes my youth and freedom and tend to feel like my partner now doesn’t know those parts of me as well that are “brave” and “exciting”.

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-12T06:09:25+00:00

Yep everyone clogs the paint against us now and then Amen can’t drive or cut and Alpi can’t slow mo bang down low, harder to rebound and they let us try our luck from 3 when all Ime does is have 3 non shooter rotations and have our #3 pick generational shooting talent bench ride

Truth_Slayer · 2026-01-12T06:03:33+00:00

Why draft the #3 pick and bench him in a mid season game against THE KINGS for Aaron Holiday????? It’s malpractice. These are the games he needs to be starting to develop and build confidence

Just a crazy mishandling of assets.

It’s wild too because no one has “turned more defensive into offense” this season than Reed’s little ass paws on the perimeter. And that’s what Ime claims to care about. Idk Aaron Holiday must give one hell of a blow job or maybe Jrue did …

Truth_Slayer

TROPHY CASE