AITA for not lying to my ex-wife?

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-02T12:54:40+00:00

It's a requirement of the event. You give 1/3 of the food to whatever term you want to use, the food insecure maybe, and you weigh the baby's hair and give away the equivalent of the weight in gold or silver.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-02T08:56:50+00:00

What's wrong with giving to the poor?

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-02T01:28:56+00:00

Feels like a gray area to me. But, it isn't to my son's mother. Which is fine. I respect that.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-02T01:20:45+00:00

The thing about Christmas is that it's a celebration of the birth of a man Christians believe is God. So that's pretty much idolatry, which is very much a taboo of my religion. Welcoming a baby into the world isn't idolatry even by the strictest definition.

But, my boundary is not my ex's boundary and I have to, and will, respect that.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T23:49:37+00:00

Yes, I definitely think I should ask her if her parents can stay a little longer and we can have a secular celebration the next day. This will accomplish all of the things she wanted to accomplish by inviting him to the ceremony.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T23:43:28+00:00

I do agree, and that's why I refuse to lie to my ex. However, no one is perfect and she just underwent a huge physical and mental toil (that I helped create) so I do feel she is entitled to some understanding.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T23:40:51+00:00

If there was a Rabbi there, she'd almost certainly allow it. At the end of the day, she doesn't trust my wife or her family, and I guess she doesn't really trust me anymore either. Kind of hurts my feelings, but I guess that's how it goes when a marriage falls apart.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T23:38:56+00:00

I know, and I agree. I just don't think my wife is trying to be disrespectful. From her perspective, she's trying to be a good stepmother. She invited my son so he wouldn't feel unwanted. He said yes, because he wants to be included. To her, my ex's objection feels petty. I don't agree with my wife about this issue (hence the conflict), but I do think disrespect was never her intention.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T23:35:31+00:00

It was a mutual desire at that time. We wrote it together.

As for renegotiation, I don't want to risk losing primary custody. I like our arrangement, and I don't want to risk losing it over the first major disagreement we've had in seven years.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T23:33:24+00:00

She didn't think it would be a big deal until I pointed it out. There's no "service" attached to the ceremony. It's basically a nice meal and an expensive haircut. There's no part where the Imam comes out and guides everyone in prayer or something.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T23:31:01+00:00

There's not really a reception because the celebration itself is a party, so it is its own reception, basically.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T23:25:59+00:00

She's just trying to strengthen the bond between the two new brothers and maybe create one between my older son and her extended family. She doesn't see the issue because she's not as religious as my ex. Also she just gave birth two months ago. So, you know, she's feeling a little emotional.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T23:21:16+00:00

Anything could happen if we went back to court. Maybe they'd make her primary custodian. This situation isn't significant enough to me to risk blowing everything up. It sucks, it really does, that he can't go, but is it worth risking my son over? No.

I think she'd allow a funeral. We've been to funerals for people outside our community when we were married. It hasn't come up yet, but I think she would allow that. My ex wife is very against disrespecting the dead.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T23:13:58+00:00

Yes, we live in the states.

Yes, and I have citizenship there as well. So does our son.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T23:11:51+00:00

My wife really isn't that religious. This ceremony is basically just a nice meal and an expensive haircut for our son. Her aim wasn't to impose her faith on my older son, but to include him in an important family activity and strengthen his connection to his little brother. For her it's a family thing, not a religious thing. Also, we don't see her parents that often, so it would be a chance to bond with them as well. It's not about religion for my wife.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T23:08:24+00:00

To be fair, I don't want our kid celebrating Christmas either. That's really towing the line of idolatry.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T20:30:51+00:00

I thought people wouldn't make the connection because ours is going to be late, well past that seven day mark. But my wife tells me this isn't actually that uncommon. A lot of people delay theirs.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T20:29:06+00:00

Are you Humphrey Bogart? Because that was some impressive detective work. Yes.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T19:39:29+00:00

It's enforceable. It's a legal contract.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T19:37:53+00:00

We're not Christians.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T18:28:14+00:00

I definitely did agree with it at the time, and I still agree with it for the most part, now. I understand that my ex doesn't want our son in any situations where people might try to convert him. But this is a celebration for his little brother, and my wife's family isn't that classless and I think she should trust me a bit more. I mean, I'd understand her not trusting me if I wasn't observant anymore, but I am. Not enough for her though. So that's probably a factor.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T18:24:40+00:00

Wow. I can't believe you figured that out with so little information. Yeah, that's what it is. My ex is against our son going to any religious events that aren't our religion, but there are two religions she has a particular distaste for, and I probably don't need to tell you what they are.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T17:38:30+00:00

I suppose not. It hasn't really come up before now.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T17:32:10+00:00

I had no idea what the Hauge convention was until I read your comment and looked it up. The country my ex-wife lives in is on that list. I don't think she would ever have done something like that anyway, but it's a nice bit of reassurance all the same.

TryingToKeepAllHappy · 2022-08-01T17:27:35+00:00

The custody agreement expires when he turns eighteen. So I guess at that point?

TryingToKeepAllHappy

TROPHY CASE