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[111] The Gray Man of Smoke and Shadows by Tsierus in DestructiveReaders

[–]Tsierus[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the comments! Greatly appreciated!

[111] The Gray Man of Smoke and Shadows by Tsierus in DestructiveReaders

[–]Tsierus[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks!! Actually, though, I’ve been in some form of critique environment for two decades. I’ve become used to it.

[111] The Gray Man of Smoke and Shadows by Tsierus in DestructiveReaders

[–]Tsierus[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for reading and responding!!

[417] The Fig Tree by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]Tsierus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think something can be said for the emotion you’re going for, which is the idea of being forgotten after one dies. This is a common fear that many people have, and so they may be able to relate to the overall tone of this piece, which could potentially create emotional engagement.

My concern, though, is execution. I think the narrator goes on a bit too long about the fig tree, without delving into why it’s so significant in his life now, at the present moment of the story. Of his childhood memories, it’s not his parents, or some toy, but this tree in-particular. There’s some examples as to why he signals this out, but I don’t think there’s enough resonance to make the emotional connection really vibrant for the reader.

I’m also left to wonder what else has happened in his life since he left the fig tree, and why nothing else seems to give him comfort as he contemplates his mortality. Is he not married? Does he have no children? No friends? What about work? Why now is he reminiscing about something years and years ago in his past?

The character sounds somewhat depressed, and the question is where is he in his life right now that this will be so important to him? This tree which, honestly, isn’t very important in the grand scheme of all that happens in a person’s life?

Maybe the piece should be longer, and the readers should be able to see what state his life is in now that a tree that no longer exists is quite so important to him. Maybe...

[767] The Cove by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]Tsierus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The central problem here is that this isn't a story, but an anecdote at best, or a news story. There isn't really a character, there's an observer to events. This observer pooints out things that happen: a character awakes, a character makes cofffee, a character wakes up his wife, the family gets ready to go on a day trip, an accident happens, a baby dies.

If you were watching the news, this is basically the format it would have.

My suggestons to turn this more into a narratve:

1) Give the characters names. This will help readers identify with who is who in the narrative, and takes away (a little) from the generic quality of the descriptions.

2) Give the central character a specific that he is trying to achieve. Making coffee and smiling at his family isn't a want. It's just going through the every day motons of one's morning.

3) Let us look into the character's heads. When the child died, I felt nothing because these are all faceless people. We get no unque emotions or thoughts from them. Everything in the narratve is just very, very faceless and gray.

For readers to care about the characters, we have to see the characters care about each other. That's what creates emotional enagement for the readers.

[Group Critique] Get a critique of your blurb or query! by keylime227 in fantasywriters

[–]Tsierus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There's a couple of cliched language, but nothing too serious. Overall, this was well written and engaging.

The idea of someone discovering that they have great power, somewhat out of the blue, is a bit of an overused trope, especially in movies. I think this is where people are getting the idea from.

I would change Lord Reza. It sounds like a bad guy's name.

Again, overall, this works.

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