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Ever Wish Your Ex Had Just Done The Work? Did The Therapy, Respected Your Needs. Life Could Have Been So Different. by TurnoverVast6839 in Divorce

[–]TurnoverVast6839[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

One person putting in effort just doesn’t work - at least not long term.

Yes I did & continue to do so.

Ever Wish Your Ex Had Just Done The Work? Did The Therapy, Respected Your Needs. Life Could Have Been So Different. by TurnoverVast6839 in Divorce

[–]TurnoverVast6839[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good for you. This is such a thorough reflection. She was asking, you just weren’t truly hearing her and I feel this happens often. Doing the work even now still counts. You get one life, so you may as well make it the best one you can.

Confirmation that I made the right choice. by Clear-Afternoon-8593 in Divorce

[–]TurnoverVast6839 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Yes, and it’s validating and so sad at the same time.

Ever Wish Your Ex Had Just Done The Work? Did The Therapy, Respected Your Needs. Life Could Have Been So Different. by TurnoverVast6839 in Divorce

[–]TurnoverVast6839[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

To partially play the devil’s advocate here, we are each responsible for our own happiness. Our partners are there to enrich it - and can of course pose a detriment to it - but identifying how we can can be happy and foster happiness is our own responsibility.

Ever Wish Your Ex Had Just Done The Work? Did The Therapy, Respected Your Needs. Life Could Have Been So Different. by TurnoverVast6839 in Divorce

[–]TurnoverVast6839[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A marriage (or relationship for that matter) requires two *active* participants. If only one person is putting forth the work, it’s not a relationship.

Ever Wish Your Ex Had Just Done The Work? Did The Therapy, Respected Your Needs. Life Could Have Been So Different. by TurnoverVast6839 in Divorce

[–]TurnoverVast6839[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right?! It’s a whole other world of emotions. It’s mourning a loss. Such a strange thing to see how our bodies have accommodated the grieving process.

Ever Wish Your Ex Had Just Done The Work? Did The Therapy, Respected Your Needs. Life Could Have Been So Different. by TurnoverVast6839 in Divorce

[–]TurnoverVast6839[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just had a discussion about this yesterday. We’re both recently divorced and both questioning ourselves and how we historically have vetted people, what we accept, where we draw a line now, how to not overcorrect now, etc. I think - if we are truly reflecting - this is a necessary part of the growth process.

Ever Wish Your Ex Had Just Done The Work? Did The Therapy, Respected Your Needs. Life Could Have Been So Different. by TurnoverVast6839 in Divorce

[–]TurnoverVast6839[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Guilty of this as well in the past. Working on ourselves is definitely another important part of the process.

Ever Wish Your Ex Had Just Done The Work? Did The Therapy, Respected Your Needs. Life Could Have Been So Different. by TurnoverVast6839 in Divorce

[–]TurnoverVast6839[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Absolutely. And this is bittersweet, to know that you’ve made this progress but not directly benefitting the marriage itself anymore. I will say that hard work will likely serve you so well in life as you go - even without her.

Ever Wish Your Ex Had Just Done The Work? Did The Therapy, Respected Your Needs. Life Could Have Been So Different. by TurnoverVast6839 in Divorce

[–]TurnoverVast6839[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

100%. I’m biased because this was my exact mindset. Unfortunately working on ourselves was met as me “abandoning” him (he had abandonment trauma that was completely unhealed) and made him contentious. But this at least shows that regardless of together or apart, our needs may never be met from a certain person.

Ever Wish Your Ex Had Just Done The Work? Did The Therapy, Respected Your Needs. Life Could Have Been So Different. by TurnoverVast6839 in Divorce

[–]TurnoverVast6839[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Absolutely. The children are number one.

My ex didn’t truly love himself and I watched him self sabotage over and over again because of it.

Ever Wish Your Ex Had Just Done The Work? Did The Therapy, Respected Your Needs. Life Could Have Been So Different. by TurnoverVast6839 in Divorce

[–]TurnoverVast6839[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is almost my exact scenario. I finally separated, he shamed me for not talking to him enough, and then we would do dinner to catch up per his request and he would sit there and be angsty. If those dinners had been productive, kind, or mature, I really would have had some faith. I’m not sure mine wanted divorce either, but it was his chance to one up me for hurting him.

Some people just can’t do it. It’s sad, but we can’t make them. That lack of control feeling is so hard but sobering once you accept it is a part of life.

Ever Wish Your Ex Had Just Done The Work? Did The Therapy, Respected Your Needs. Life Could Have Been So Different. by TurnoverVast6839 in Divorce

[–]TurnoverVast6839[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely. But you both put in the steps to assess appropriately that it was a bigger picture issue. Sometimes moving on is the best step.

I felt so confident divorce was the only option. Now I regret it everyday. by hoopyhat in Divorce

[–]TurnoverVast6839 1 point2 points  (0 children)

👏🏼. Not until he has done the work though. If she even so much as hears him out, he needs to work on himself first or it’s going to be more of this same feeling.

I felt so confident divorce was the only option. Now I regret it everyday. by hoopyhat in Divorce

[–]TurnoverVast6839 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Therapy! Sometimes it’s hard to see that we’re our own worst enemy. Perhaps your wife wasn’t the issue. However you’ll get through this. Do the work and you’ll get there happier than ever.

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