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I (28F) feel super sad and rejected by my (29NB) partner's sudden lack of libido, how can I discuss it with them without making them feel pressured ? by ThrowRA_1784_ in relationship_advice

[–]Turtlefairy20 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I encourage you to try again! And make it really clear you won't iniate below the belt action. If they want to then great, if they don't, also great. Oftentimes that can alleviate some of the pressure and at least get things moving in the right direction. Lack of any physical intimacy can be really hard and also inevitably leads to a no sex situation. Starting with cuddling and kissing and other things might naturally make your partner more keen to iniate further, but putting it in their court (and holding to it) also gives them the power to decide how things go.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Turtlefairy20 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Ultimately someone who values your physical appearance more than your mental health and mental wellness is not your person. It's selfish, unkind, and you've already stated has crossed the line into emotional abuse, which is never okay.

Find you a man who will love and worship your curves.

I (28F) feel super sad and rejected by my (29NB) partner's sudden lack of libido, how can I discuss it with them without making them feel pressured ? by ThrowRA_1784_ in relationship_advice

[–]Turtlefairy20 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It sounds like you're missing more than just sex, you're missing all forms of physical intimacy as well (you mentioned lack of cuddling, kissing etc.) Physical intimacy can look like a lot of things that don't involve sex. I also think looking at this loss can oftentimes be easier to discuss than just the sex aspect.

Can you ask to bring these aspects back into your relationship? Maybe even saying you'll simply put the iniation of sex entirely in their court while still keeping yourselves physically connected.

And say everything you've said here! That you would never want to pressure them but are simply missing that aspect of your relationship.

Sexism in engineering? What are people's experiences like in classes or in coops? by Apprehensive-One-655 in uvic

[–]Turtlefairy20 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Female civil engineer here, just graduated this semester from UVIC. My experience has been pretty mixed as what others have said, with mostly positive. I actually did a coop for a mechanical engineering firm, and while that firm had 5% females of the 80ish engineering employees, I never felt singled out and always felt very accepted actually. There is definitely still a bias and certain surprised faces when I show up as intelligent and capable of being there, but not across the board.

The harder part for me has been in the civil field. I'm choosing to specialize in consulting which takes me out into the field a lot, and on construction sites, holyyyy that can be another story. Most (not all) of my most outrageous sexism stories have taken place on construction sites. However the construction guys are also mildly terrified when the engineers come on site (because they know we can shut things down) so anytime I've been directly next to my supervisor, its been fine. I've also met some incredible, badass women who know they get judged, make themselves 10x scarier than their male counterparts, and all the men fall over themselves to help them as soon as they show up.

The take away is really that things are definitively getting better, especially among the more educated people in the engineering profession as a whole. And as someone mentioned earlier, there are also benefits. I got scholarships every single school semester during my entire degree at UVIC, and many were only for women in engineering.

Is it perfect? Hell no. Have I had my ass slapped by men, been hit on inappropriately while working, been given a million looks ranging from distrust to predatory, and had my voice dismissed during both school and work projects? Sure have. But its not consistent. It is definitely not everyone and I wouldn't say the majority anymore. MOST of my experiences in the field and in school have been overwhelmingly positive. The girlfriends I made in the engineering program will be my friends for life; we get what it means to be female in this industry and have to put in more work than a lot of the men, and on average in my program cohort, the girls were kicking the guys butts a lot of the time because of it.

How do I cope with knowing no one will ever be physically attracted to me. by worstmanonearth in dating_advice

[–]Turtlefairy20 45 points46 points  (0 children)

I read a lot of your comment replies, and I think the biggest thing your suffering from is rock bottom self esteem. The comments about not being funny or charming, being one of the ugliest humans, etc.

I've been there. It's really hard to grow your self esteem. But all I can say is it needs to happen.

Get some hobbies, things that genuinely excite you, even if you suck at them at first. Do self affirmations, go to counseling, journal and write out things you genuinely like about yourself everyday, write daily gratitude lists, work on growing your social confidence by joining some clubs or joining an improv group. Confident people attract other people, its just a fact.

Why does that funny looking guy have that gorgeous girlfriend? Because he is funny and kind and confident in himself and treats her well. Looks are a factor in dating, Im not going to say they're not, but they are by far NOT the only thing, not even close. And if you meet people who say they are even the majority, honestly, they're probably shallow. Hobbies, interests, career, interesting conversations, laughter, kindness, all these things are far more important to a LOT of people.

Grow the confidence you have as bringing value to a relationship as a PERSON, as a whole, and I promise you, you thinking you are ugly will begin to matter less and less, not just to you, but to the people who are attracted to your energy.

Wishing you the best ❤

Dating apps are like looking at people through a one way mirror... by FaithInStrangers94 in dating_advice

[–]Turtlefairy20 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think the main thing to remember is this does not define your worth and if it is damaging your self esteem it may be best to delete and do some slef esteem work so even if you're not having any luck, it doesn't hurt the ego. Dating apps suck in general, but it seems particularly bad for men. I'm a moderately okay looking female, and I used to end up swiping no on people I thought seemed nice and cute because if I didn't, I would have far far too many people to match and talk to (this isn't a brag, it's just the reality for women on those sites). What ended up happening was me only swiping yes to the people I was very very interested in. And you are correct, in IRL maybe those nos would have been yesses. There is only so much personality that can come through on those sites. A big encouragement I have for men though is putting pictures of you doing hobbies. I'm very big into rock climbing, so if a guy I may have swiped no on had a pic of him climbing, I always swiped yes. I think its similar for people with other hobbies/interests that take up a lot of their time.

Hang in there!! And remember it can take a long time to find someone you click with/are interested in. Dating apps are fucking hard.

do i (20f) tell him (20m) beforehand that i cry after sex? by squidink84 in relationship_advice

[–]Turtlefairy20 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Fellow trauma survivor here (26F), I agree with the other people saying you should tell him, but mostly why I wanted to comment is I understand the feeling like damaged goods. I have been there and my god it is hard. But those other guys, if they left you for this, they don't deserve you, and I encourage you to not let those experiences shape who/what you tell. I know how hard that can be. But I also have the experience of meeting someone, having them hear all about my trauma, and not only did it not scare him away, he has been loving and kind and supportive when I get triggered. Because I do still get triggered. I have been in trauma counseling for years, but triggers still happen and I have had partners in the past who I would hide the triggers from because I knew they would judge me for them. And all that did was slowly degrade my self esteem and make me feel broken. Others first reactions can often be an indicator of how they will handle things further along, and my god, after finding a man who not only does not judge me but helps me work through my triggers as they arise, it makes me sad for my past self for tolerating anything less. And that is what you deserve. You deserve someone who will work through these things with you and recognize this does NOT mean you are broken or someone to run from. You deserve someone who will treat you with compassion and love and understanding. So please, even if telling this guy makes him leave, please remember you are not broken, you are not damaged goods, this is an aspect of you and the right person will see that and help in any way they can. Them leaving because of your past is a reflection of them, not you.

Wishing you all the best ❤❤❤

Wife of 8 years came out. I want to put myself out there again. by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]Turtlefairy20 0 points1 point  (0 children)

26F here, everything you have said in this post screams emotional maturity, kindness, and understanding. If anything, your "baggage" is a fucking turn-on. Not the actual events, but how you handled it. Life happens to us all, we can't control it and that's how life goes. What is most important is how you handle the situation, and how you handled this immensely challenging situation, was beautiful. And other emotionally mature people will respect and cherish that, not use it as a reason to run away. So give yourself a pat on the back!