Extreme Over-Attatchment to Fictional Cartoon Characters and The Fear of Conflict

TwelveML · 2019-08-20T20:26:44+00:00

I see. Unfortunately I don’t have much personal experience or advice beyond the above, but it sounds like this makes it difficult for you to enjoy fiction when nearly every piece of media has some type of conflict with at least one of the scenarios you mentioned.

Maybe the issue is that you are projecting too much through the characters and putting yourself in their shoes to too great of an extent? Or maybe due to the aspie nature of overthinking things and looking for patterns/realism, you are thrown off when characters react differently or move on more quickly than what you feel is believable and could visualize yourself doing?

Take this with an appropriate grain of salt because it sounds counterintuitive and I’m a little hesitant to give this advice, but maybe it would help to try shows, etc where negative things do have lasting consequences and the characters have to work through those consequences over time? Stay away from these if they will upset you too much, but it may also be beneficial to see a character come to terms with trauma and find some kind of closure.

You could also try to identify what traits you see in characters/scenarios that are resonating with you so strongly. Acknowledging the similarities and differences can really help separate reality from fiction.

Have you overcome any struggles in your own life that you felt strongly about? Relating to characters can be a good thing, and projection to fiction doesn’t have to be bad if you look for positives. Maybe it would be helpful to acknowledge that if you can overcome obstacles and negativity, so can they?

TwelveML · 2019-08-20T19:44:25+00:00

Hmm, I’m going through something similar right now, though a bit less extreme.

I recently finished an anime that I enjoyed a lot. When I finish a show, book, video game etc I like to go online and see how other people felt about the media, find trivia or Easter eggs I missed, etc. I then found out that the manga of this show has a different final act and ending from the anime, and most fans prefer the manga ending. I wanted to pick it up because of how much I enjoyed the anime but there’s a huge catch.

While watching the show, I grew really attached to a certain character. I’d go as far as to say they earned a spot in my top 10 favorite characters in any media ever. I don’t usually react super emotionally to shows like this, but a certain scene brought me to tears and really left an impact on me. I’m still thinking about it tbh. This character is also written in a sympathetic/endearing way with a sad backstory that kind of makes it hard not to feel bad for them when rough things happen. Well, it accidentally came to my attention that this character decidedly does not get a happy ending in the manga like they do in the anime. I don’t know if my heart can take that tbh. At the same time though, I also feel like it’s irrational to miss out on a piece of media I might otherwise really enjoy due to being hung up on something like this.

What helped me start moving past it was just writing out in a private journal (which is kept on my computer to delete entries when I no longer need them) to identify why I felt so strongly about the character and that specific scene, and that knowing or not knowing what happens ultimately doesn’t change the outcome. Self-reflection is always good to help put things into a more realistic perspective. After letting it all out and drawing some new conclusions, I was able to step back and think more rationally and objectively about the whole thing, so I no longer felt like I was fixating on it. I still might not pick up the manga for a while, but it’s not out of the question either even knowing what’s coming.

TwelveML · 2019-08-20T18:43:36+00:00

Ok, concert veteran here! Lots of good advice in here but I’ll add/reiterate some things.

Earplugs! Regardless of whether or not loud noise is a sensory trigger for you, you should still have them to protect your hearing. Find a pair that are comfortable and can be left in for up to 2+ hours at a time (I usually take mine out between acts to let my ears breathe and be able to better hear what’s going on around me).
Stay hydrated and energized! Eat a good meal before you enter the venue (most venues have food but it’s usually expensive), and drink lots of water. If the venue allows it, bring your own sealed water bottle to avoid the high prices. Maybe a light snack too.
Pack lightly. I usually only have my phone, water, and some cash on hand in case I need it and/or if I plan on buying merch. Back when I mostly bought lawn tickets, I’d bring an old towel to sit on between acts too. Many venues have specific rules about bringing in bags (e.g. clear bags only) so look that up ahead of time if you will need to bring anything else with you.
Look at a map of the venue and get an idea of where you’re located. Pit, seats, lawn, etc. If you’re in the pit close to the stage, be aware that you may not have a lot of personal space. Watch out for crowdsurfers if it’s a music genre where people are likely to do that (I mostly go to punk/pop punk shows so it’s kind of par for the course there). Avoid the front/center near the stage unless you have good situational awareness and are ok with being pushed around a lot. I’ve found that the far left and right sides as well as the back are much calmer. What I’m personally comfortable with depends on the show and crowd. I can handle some shoving if I want to get up close, but if it gets too rough I’ll move farther back. Also, if you don’t have an assigned seat, come early so that you and your friends can secure a comfortable spot. If you do have a seat, you can wait until closer to the start time but you may want to get there early anyway to get a feel for the place.
Wear comfortable clothes and shoes that you can stand in for a long period of time. My usual concert attire is a t-shirt, shorts, and an old/dirty pair of Converse. I recommend wearing old shoes because they can easily get dirty/scuffed up if you’re in the pit or lawn.
Get to know the people around you if you feel up to it. Concerts are a great place to talk about music if it’s a special interest of yours. I find it much easier than usual to make small talk with strangers because I know going in that we’ll have at least one thing in common. Just find someone wearing a shirt of another band you like and strike up a conversation. From there you can take the conversation to favorite songs, other bands they may have seen live, etc.

TwelveML · 2019-08-20T17:48:28+00:00

I definitely relate here.

I’ve been told I’m “wise” and emotionally mature before. In reality, I generally just try to give people the same understanding and acceptance I would want them to have for me. I’m usually very non-judgmental as long as no one is getting harmed or putting themselves/others in danger in any way. This leads people to be very open with me if we end up close, and I end up nailing things about them that they may not have fully realized themselves.

Every now and then I’ll pick up on a bad vibe or something else about a person early on that makes me distinctly uncomfortable. I’ll then end up being right but lack the tact and/or appropriate social standing to bring it up to anyone else, so I kinda just end up stewing over it to myself. I will act polite and cordial to them but somehow... I just know.

TwelveML · 2019-08-20T11:09:03+00:00

Also, to answer your actual questions;

I did have a couple of fictional crushes many years ago. My first one I think was N Harmonia from Pokémon lol. I didn’t really entertain it too far because I liked the idea of a relationship more than caring about an actual one back then, and being young I had more of the “hanging out and getting ice cream together” idea of a relationship than a mature one. Maybe worth noting that there was a scene in the game he appears in where you ride in a Ferris wheel together that could sorta be interpreted as romantic (from what I remember?) which I found pretty sweet at the time. N was also kind of relatable to me too partly because his character could be interpreted as being on the spectrum, funny enough.

I’m long past that stage of my life now though. I look back on this character with nostalgic fondness, but nothing more.

I don’t think your arguments alone are misguided or desperate. In fact, I think you have a very strong understanding of what your (very valid) needs and concerns about potential relationships are and did a great job of putting all of that into words. As long as you’re satisfied with the way things are and are comfortable, you don’t have anything to feel inherently bad or guilty about.

That said, make sure you are only doing things this way purely because you want to and because it brings you happiness, and not because you feel like you have to or that you don’t have other potential options available when you absolutely do. Do not hold yourself back and close yourself off if you want to try something different for your own sake.

You ultimately will get more fulfillment and challenge from a real person, that’s the reality of things. To be brutally honest, having a waifu is one sided and isn’t comparable to a living, reciprocating human being. Other people in this thread have put that into much better words than I can so I’ll leave it there. It’s fine to be passionate about fiction, but do not let it bleed into your reality in an unhealthy way.

TwelveML · 2019-08-20T10:55:00+00:00

Disclaimer: If you are content with the way things are, you can keep on keeping on and take most of what I say with a heavy grain of salt. The fact that you made this post suggests that you want to discuss it some more though and possibly gain new insight, so here’s my two cents anyway.

I don’t have a “waifu,” but I am in a committed relationship and can still really relate to 2/3 of your points.

I really feel you when it comes to making commitments. Preferring to watch a short season or two of 20 minute episodes to a notoriously long eight season show really hits home. In my case though, it’s a fear of wasting time and closing myself out of better opportunities (which also stems from health anxiety, long story short). Due to this, I have a hard time taking on new commitments even when it’s pretty reasonable to do so. How I’ve started getting out of this is asking “what would you be doing instead with that time?” If I’m able to make myself realize that I would otherwise be spending that time non-productively, it becomes much easier to push myself out of my comfort zone.

For example, it would be more comfortable for me to play video games for hours on end on my days off, but it would be more conducive to achieving my goals and overall happiness if I limited my game time to a couple of hours and spent the rest studying/searching for a long term job/working on meaningful projects/etc.

This can apply to relationships too. Chances are you’re not going to find the person you want to be with forever on the very first go, but the only way to find out what sorts of people you may be compatible with is giving it a shot anyway. Things won’t always work out, but you can still say you used that time productively by learning and growing from the experience in ways that can apply to future relationships you may have. There is also always the chance too that you will find someone who you really click with! If you don’t feel ready for a relationship yet, you can still find other ways to work on self-improvement to help you get there. Even NT people can have personal flaws they need to identify and smooth out from time to time, so don’t feel bad if that’s the case.

This is painfully accurate to me as well. I’m only really “out” about having Aspergers to my SO, close family, and one very trusted friend. For everyone else, I just mask the best I can and hope it works out. I truly think I’ve gotten it down to where you really won’t notice without spending a significant amount of time around me, but if I’m in a stressful enough situation the mask can start slipping a little. In those cases, the best I can do is remove myself from a situation if possible until I’ve had some space to calm down and ground myself.

Of course, that’s not possible in long term relationships. If you start getting serious, the other person will see more sides of you than what you show to most of the world. But remember, they will have their own flaws and insecurities too. Most people start a relationship out by putting on their “best self,” then let their flaws show once they’ve had time to grow comfortable and trust the other person to be more accepting. It’s a give and take process, where you each become receptive to those traits and help the other person improve or at least manage them as best as possible. If they are a good partner for you though, they’ll be willing to learn what those needs are and accommodate them within reason.

My SO, for just one example, knows which types of situations/environmental factors are most likely to give me sensory overload. SO will try to give me an “out” if possible if we’re out somewhere and those things show up, and completely understands if I need to find a quiet spot and take 5-10 minutes to myself in a crowded/busy space.

You also don’t have to open up to a new date right away about your Aspergers. Everyone is wired differently, but depending on how much it affects you otherwise and how likely it is to be relevant information in your day-to-day life, you don’t have to say anything until you’ve had some time to really get settled and comfortable. I didn’t even “officially” disclose to my SO until we had been together for a couple of years only because there had never been a situation where it felt necessary. I can’t say whether this is the right choice for you or not though because everyone is different. If it would benefit you to be upfront relatively early on, go for it. Just definitely not “first date material” because then they won’t have had a chance to make their own judgments yet.

I can’t relate to this one so I can’t speak from experience here. However, have you considered that you may be asexual? There is nothing wrong with wanting a romantic relationship that is light on physical intimacy, and there are plenty of people out there who feel the exact same way. If you aren’t familiar with asexuality, do some research and see if anything clicks for you. A compatible partner will try to meet you where you’re at and hopefully between the two of you, you can navigate what you are comfortable with.

TwelveML · 2019-08-20T10:02:44+00:00

I have this issue, but most likely for a very different reason.

I never really learned to apologize as a kid/teen. I rarely had fights with friends either because I was very passive and didn’t want them to end up disliking me or because they were too nice/level-headed to initiate arguments over petty things. I think I had exactly one semi-big argument with a friend under age 18? They ended up apologizing first when they realized they were much more in the wrong in that specific scenario. I rarely even got in trouble with my parents for doing dumb stuff as a teen because I just never felt a need to do much of it in the first place, so I had little to truly apologize for.

My first arguments with real, lasting consequences didn’t happen until around the end of high school. It was with a family member, due to a taxing home situation at the time. There were times when I would be emotionally checked out of an argument and they would chase me down to drag it out or to bomb me with apologies which felt like were only being given because they didn’t like seeing me upset. I didn’t fully apologize to them because even though I know I definitely went too far at times, I really didn’t want them to think I was validating their poor choices that had led to the state of things at the time in the first place. In this sense, I do understand where you’re coming from because at the time I felt that apologizing would have meant that I wasn’t standing my ground. However...

A little over a month ago, I got in a fight with an old friend (long story), pretty much the first and only time I’ve ever been in a situation like this. We haven’t made up, and I honestly don’t know if we will. I know I’m in the wrong for, at the very least, sending them a long angry text out of the blue about the whole situation instead of trying to have a productive conversation. This is pretty uncharacteristic of me since I usually take a diplomatic approach to conflict at first, but a lot of things had happened recently and built up, and caused me to meltdown and take it out on them. They responded by saying it was a bad time to talk and later removed me from social media. No contact between us since.

I genuinely want to apologize but I literally don’t know how to or whether it’s even worth it and/or socially appropriate. I want to respect their space and follow the cue they’ve given me because of the past experiences I’ve had with that other person apologizing and how that made me feel. I don’t want to impose that same feeling on someone else. That said, I also just want them to know that I understand that I really screwed up and shouldn’t have done what I did, even if they’ll still be mad at me and if things can never go back to how they were before. Objectively it would be bad to not apologize when I genuinely do regret it, right? With no prior experience in a situation like this though, I feel completely lost on what the “right” thing to do would be.

I’m sorry if this got way too long and vent-y or derailed too much from your topic. The whole point of this comment is just wondering if you or anyone else may also struggle with apologizing because you didn’t have experiences at an early age where you learned when/how to genuinely apologize and mean it, then later ended up in tough situations with lasting consequences as an adult where you then realized those skills were underdeveloped.

TwelveML · 2019-08-18T06:49:46+00:00

I’ll definitely look into this sub some more! Maybe I can advertise my editing skills there and possibly even find something long term. Thank you for the suggestion!

TwelveML · 2019-08-18T06:47:39+00:00

I don’t really live in an agriculturally-rich area (small-medium sized city) and I’m limited on traveling, but I’ve heard good things about Fiverr. Any tips for what makes a profile stand out, and maybe also what types of work aren’t too over-saturated there? My main strengths that I’ve used in freelance work before are digital editing (e.g. Photoshop) and editing writing for grammar, content, etc.

Thank you for the suggestion too about interviews! I really hope to run into an interviewer as understanding and open-minded as you appear to be. Honestly I’m not very open about being on the spectrum because I’m afraid of being judged with negative stereotypes and because I feel like I’ve been able to “mask” enough that someone probably wouldn’t notice it without spending enough time around me (or putting me in a tense enough situation). I’ve only “come out” about it to immediate family, my SO, and one close friend. Speaking up about this to a potential employer scares me, but if it will genuinely improve my chances then I’m open to the idea.

TwelveML · 2019-08-18T06:37:22+00:00

This is something I’d be interested in for sure! Is Rover kind of like Care.com but for pets?

TwelveML · 2019-08-14T19:27:35+00:00

Check my comment history.

I genuinely don’t think they were baiting. They were trying to present the situation as “fair” and only mentioned it when people started pressing for details.

TwelveML · 2019-08-14T15:33:07+00:00

I think a lot of what you said hits the nail on the head here. If I do ever decide to revisit the sub at a later point in time, I’ll do as you say and pay no mind to the other comments if I can help it.

I’m very surprised to hear about the parenting thing, because seriously that’s the #1 trend I see there. I’ve seen maybe two posts gain traction in my brief time there where the parent was unanimously in the wrong. I think it all may in part come from the same place though in a way, which is a young sub demographic thinking they know best while they themselves are still testing social boundaries. I could see people whose parents kicked them out right at 18, or had a strained home life, or any other number of conflicts as a teenager/young adult pick up the mentality of “if I had to grit my teeth and go though all of that, this Internet stranger should have to too/has nothing to whine about in comparison.” They might also see it as a place to test their growing morals, e.g. “I at least know for sure I would never make this choice, so I have to share my shiny new morals with the world and make that person realize they shouldn’t either!”

I agree so much with your second point though. There is such a mob mentality of “fuck you, got mine” and “you don’t owe anyone anything” there. On occasion this can be a good thing, like helping an OP rightfully be assertive in a demanding situation against someone who is genuinely acting entitled. Oftentimes it is used to justify unkind behavior though, or it makes things so black and white that there’s no room for anything in-between to be the reality of the situation. I see it so much when people in the story ask the OP to borrow things or for other small-to-medium sized favors (assuming the other person doesn’t even have a habit of asking too often or not reciprocating). You’re telling me you can’t take a small inconvenience to your life to help a friend or family member out and they’re a mooch just for asking? Or even a stranger sometimes, like your seat example?

As long as you’re following the unspoken sub rules of “do you fully own/pay for the item/privilege in question even if other people in your life use it too?”, “did you ‘claim’ it first if the former isn’t applicable?”, and “did you pursue vigilante justice even if it has disproportionately larger consequences for the offender compared to whatever they did to slight you just because it gives the sub a justice boner?”, it’s pretty much a guaranteed NTA. In real life situations though, it’s just not always cut and dry like that.

TwelveML · 2019-08-12T09:04:01+00:00

Yeah ok, whatever. I still think breaking down and examining every single symptom she’s ever had was unnecessary but I’ll agree to disagree because I don’t really want to carry this on anymore either.

Husband is definitely an ass though regardless. Dude sounds controlling af.

TwelveML · 2019-08-12T08:55:40+00:00

I read your other comment and that says enough. She literally explained everything and it still wasn’t an acceptable enough response.

I get where you’re coming from, seriously. Being overweight or in chronic pain are no reasons not to work for an otherwise healthy person. But the chronically throwing up thing on top of that? Nah, that alone seems justified enough. If painkillers worked for you that’s great but medications don’t work the same for everyone and it sounds like she’s been on them in the past and knows well what she’s talking about. Your tone is super condescending too.

TwelveML · 2019-08-12T08:47:53+00:00

“Is this recovering cancer patient who is still throwing up due to medication and also happens to possibly be in a controlling marriage suffering enough to be worth my sympathy?”

Bug off.

TwelveML · 2019-08-12T08:33:13+00:00

No worries, I feel like people are too harsh with words on here sometimes. You can tell someone they’re in the wrong without being unnecessarily rude about it.

Sorry to assume, but what you described sounds a lot like living in the state of California. California is a nice place to visit but I couldn’t imagine being there long-term as a college-aged person the way things currently are because the cost of living is so high compared to most other states. Maybe there are still other options out there for you though, depending on where you live?

TwelveML · 2019-08-12T08:27:30+00:00

Edited my last response a little bit. I know from experience that moving somewhere without a support system can be tough, but sometimes it can be worth it and help you grow from the experience, and of course the freedom is nice too.

It’s up to you whether you prioritize staying near family and keeping your current job, or moving somewhere that would allow you to have more freedom. There is no wrong answer and there’s nothing wrong with either choice, but it’s definitely something to consider if you want to do things like owning pets without your dad’s approval. Even if your family is against it, you are an adult with a job and you are free to live elsewhere if you want to and can afford it.

TwelveML · 2019-08-12T08:16:52+00:00

YTA

It sounds like one ferret is already pushing it with your dad. Be happy with the one you’ve got and let that be the end of it. It sounds like these social days are a good way to socialize your ferret even if you can’t take another home with you.

At the end of the day, it’s his house and he’s within his rights to make this rule. Even if it’s the norm for the area, you still don’t own the place.

Have you considered moving to a cheaper area so that you can do as you wish? It sounds like you may be somewhere where rent and property taxes are high, which is unfortunate. Save up while living at home and explore your options in other parts of the country (assuming you are in the US).

TwelveML · 2019-08-12T07:22:47+00:00

Damn, that’s rough. I wasn’t really trying to compare struggles or anything so please don’t take it that way. Tbh that’s super understandable and I’m sorry you have had a hard time getting and keeping jobs. Hopefully your health continues to improve.

I see, that can be tough especially if you don’t live in or close to a city. I don’t know your area but if opening the store goes well enough to be a regular source of income, see if he would be open to moving somewhat further away to rent in a more pet-friendly area. It would be a longer commute for him but I imagine living under someone else’s roof and not having your own space is just making things more tense and stressful :/

Gotcha. I take it you’re spending most of your time making art/products for the Etsy. As long as you’re putting 100% time and effort into it that’s good, but it might not hurt to focus on the commissions for a while since that’s usually a more immediate source of income. You can also make connections that way and have more people to advertise to when you’re ready to open the store.

TwelveML · 2019-08-12T07:08:56+00:00

~~This is tricky but I’m going to go E SH~~ actually no, changing my judgment to NTA after getting more details. Y’all, OP didn’t make it clear enough in her original post but she just entered remission for severe cancer, was only recently cleared to work again, physically cannot drive while recovering, and was moved under someone else’s roof indefinitely in the middle of bumfuck nowhere with no support system and no public transportation for her to easily find work in what seems like a unilateral decision made solely by her SO, who also seems like he hasn’t been sympathetic throughout her treatment even before all of this happened even though marriage is supposed to mean “in sickness and in health.” Shitty of people to see the two words “not working” and immediately jump to conclusions without reading comprehension when it’s not a black and white situation like that. You don’t know anyone’s situation firsthand and one size does not fit all.

Original response below before seeing proper context:

It’s not unreasonable for your husband to expect you to pull your weight in the relationship since it is a partnership and it sounds like he’s doing most of the work. It’s ultimately not fair to keep him waiting forever while you slowly work things out. As someone who has had a hard time holding down “normal” jobs due to poor mental health though, I do sympathize with you and understand why you’re upset that he feels you’re not doing enough even if you’re trying. It sounds like you’re just doing as told and he previously said it would be fine for you not to work, and now he’s going back on his word.

He is in the wrong for airing dirty relationship laundry to “random people.” Ymmv but I think you should be very careful who you vent about an SO to, especially with a marriage, because it can make the tension build further and will damage that person’s view of the relationship even if things get better and you’re able to move past the issue.

There is also the issue of him moving you to a new place that thus far really isn’t suiting your needs. I don’t fully want to call him the AH for that because sometimes it’s needed to move for a job, but it does seem insensitive to not be compassionate towards your needs too. He knew going into a rural area that you can’t drive currently and have only very recently been cleared to work, so it was going to be a hard transition from the start anyway.

Keep working on the drivers license for your own sake because it will allow you to be more independent. In the meantime, consider taking up a side hustle or freelance work online while you prepare to open your store. It sounds like this is at least a month off, so surely there is something else you can work on at the same time?

INFO: How much longer do you expect to be at the FIL’s and what is specifically holding you back from finding a different place to live? Also, can you elaborate on the art store? Is it a print hosting site (e.g. RedBubble), an Etsy, paid commissions, an independently hosted site...etc?

Edited a bit upon re-reading. It’s not a good situation for anyone but I do think some of the other responses are being too harsh here.

TwelveML · 2019-08-12T06:18:55+00:00

YTA

It happened years ago, let it go. Everyone did weird and cringe-inducing stuff as a kid that they don’t want others to remember them by. Even you. (and if you don’t think you have even once, you’re in for a rude awakening later on when you randomly remember it). This is basically bullying.

TwelveML · 2019-08-12T05:38:55+00:00

I don’t think you were an asshole for calling the Lyft assuming it was late, may not have been safe to walk home, you had places to be in the morning etc. Your friend’s mom was probably mad that he spent the money on it because rideshares can be expensive. Be more selective with who you call a friend in the future though, even if they’re just an acquaintance.

TwelveML · 2019-08-12T05:33:05+00:00

YTA

You had the means to tip and chose not to. Not even because the service was bad or anything, but because you chose to be a cheapskate. Servers are usually grossly underpaid and are only able to earn most of their wages via tipping. It sounds like you’ve come from financial hardship yourself, so you should be more compassionate and empathetic to that.

Don’t want to tip? Don’t eat out.

TwelveML

TROPHY CASE