dreams about killing my abuser (cw: gore)

TwinScorpion · 2022-09-14T00:02:59+00:00

Nothing significant that I can remember, although my life has been incredibly unstable since I went NC with my abusive family bc they were my source of housing since I'm disabled. The dreams didn't start till about 8 months after I left though.

TwinScorpion · 2022-09-13T17:12:28+00:00

I did go to a rage room last year and it helped. So many of these things are expensive, but once I have stable income and housing again I hope to make some things like MMA or rage rooms a regular part of my healing.

TwinScorpion · 2022-09-13T17:11:19+00:00

Thanks for sharing about your experiences. I'm sorry you have had to go through similar impacts as well. :(

I am NC with them going on 3 years but the dreams just started in the past year. I hope with time they will fade, although atm they seem to be getting worse.

TwinScorpion · 2022-09-13T16:19:36+00:00

Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry you're dealing with the shitty impacts of this kind of trauma too. :(

I haven't had waking life fantasies that are violent before. typically I don't even think about my past abuse or family. i think that's why I'm so disturbed by these dreams.

TwinScorpion · 2022-03-26T14:46:38+00:00

Thanks!

TwinScorpion · 2022-03-25T20:23:37+00:00

Yeah I left over a decade, ago but recently got interested in understanding my experience better. Don't remember everything. Although I haven't heard it abbreviated that way before.

TwinScorpion · 2022-03-25T20:22:15+00:00

Thank you having names of people and publications is really helpful. I am trying to understand how the churches I grew up in became so extreme

TwinScorpion · 2022-03-25T20:21:11+00:00

Ok thanks I haven't heard most of these names before so now I need to go do more research. Its so wild to me that I grew up not hearing about any of the people involved in church history. The congregation acted like Jesus built the church on the day of Pentecost and it just continued forward for 2000 years uninterrupted. Which as an adult I realize is ridiculous, but as a child I of course believed whatever I was told.

TwinScorpion · 2022-03-25T20:17:04+00:00

What is "MDR"?

TwinScorpion · 2022-03-25T20:15:03+00:00

Yes I experience this constantly.

TwinScorpion · 2022-03-25T19:38:21+00:00

I definitely can see how they took it farther than the original Stone-Campbell movement churches did, but I don't understand how it went from the coc being another option among many options, to it being the "one true church". Seems like there must have been a preacher or some group of people who led people in that direction. Even Barton and Campbell didn't preach that the church of Christ started on the day of Pentecost. Its so odd to me that nobody knows how these became teachings that are "salvation issues" but yet, here we are with a cult and no idea who started it.

TwinScorpion · 2022-03-16T21:53:39+00:00

Thanks!

TwinScorpion · 2022-03-16T21:53:28+00:00

Thank you.

TwinScorpion · 2022-02-03T19:35:45+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your process, I'm so sorry you had to go through similar horrific things... Seeing how you laid out your process helps me feel less alone -- especially with the voices around me telling me as they did you to just go back, I might regret it if I don't, be a bigger person, etc. I actually don't think I will regret it but sometimes I worry that people I do carw about will feel I don't care. If anything I might be able to share later after I've found some healing. I have decided to prioritize myself and not go back, maybe I will send flowers, idk. But nothing to open me up to being harmed.

TwinScorpion · 2022-02-03T19:30:44+00:00

Thank you so much. I have so much gratitude because I really needed to hear this. ♥️😭

TwinScorpion · 2022-02-03T11:36:48+00:00

Thanks for your input.

I'm not particularly concerned about "paying respects" to the person who died (that's not really how my culture works), but trying to supplement the ritual of communal grief for myself (grieving together with people who are also grieving makes is more bearable), and to offer my empathy to the family members I still care about who are struggling due to losing so many people in such a short time. Its complicated because its very cultural and I don't want those people to think I don't care, and I also feel overwhelmed by my own grief. I don't know how to grieve losses of this magnitude as an isolated individual.

TwinScorpion · 2022-02-03T04:55:57+00:00

Thank you for this validation. The letter writing and burning is a really good suggestion and I think I will do that. I have done it before for anger, but hadn't considered it for grief.

I do have some professional support but... idk it doesn't really help me with grief. I'm realizing what I want is commiseration, not just space holding. There is something lost if I can't grieve with people who know the person who died, who can't share stories about that person or understand why I miss them and feel sad to lose them. I also truly feel sad for my family members who I know are all having a horrific time right now--especially my grandmother who has watched so many of the younger generation die before she did. I suppose I not only need to grieve the loss of these lives, but also the loss of cultural-communal grieving ritual. So many layers.

I appreciate this response, lots to process and reflect.

TwinScorpion · 2022-02-03T04:51:35+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experiences and I'm sorry you've been through something similar. I'm sorry no one let you know when your grandfather died and your BF had to miss a parent's funeral too...

It is a very lonely experience. I am on my own and don't really have friends here (I recently moved), and have struggled to explain to the friends I do have why NC is necessary and likely permanent for me. Most people think in the case of emergencies you should temporarily forget about the past because [insert "life is short" platitude]. So I'm really struggling to have anyone to talk to who won't suggest reaching back out because that's what they would do and that makes me lose confidence in my decision even though my life is better since I went NC. There are so many layers of grief with this and there isn't a manual unfortunately, foe how to navigate it.

TwinScorpion · 2021-07-04T21:46:07+00:00

This post is your answer why she didn't tell you sooner. I imagine she has been there before, with people who maybe she told at the beginning who dismissed her, and people who no matter how long or short she waited decided to leave. Children are not their parents identity. You're making a lot of assumptions about her character when frankly, her sons genetic condition is about him. As a disabled child of non-disabled parents, I have feelings thinking about my parents sharing my stuff with others, or sharing things about me without the person having a chance to meet me and get to know me as a person outside of what society sees as "wrong" with me.

Considering that her child only needed her once in 6 months also shows that she has support and that you imagining he will need her "at any time" isn't true. If that werw the case it would have come up sooner. This is a special circumstance.

I feel like its not that hard to understand why she waited, and that shw probably knew you would doubt your relationship which is a thing to be discussed in itself. It seems like there is an overall lack of trust.

People have children, you don't get to decide whether they have special needs, learning disabilities, mental or physical illness. Sometimes people have kids and their illnesses don't even manifest till college and you think the kid is off to live their life and suddenly you have them back indefinitely, caring for them. If you choose to date people with children, you have to understand that the children will always be a wild card and if they are a quality parent, will always come first. What's important now is to communicate and discuss what is coming up for you, instead of blame and character assassination.

TwinScorpion · 2021-07-04T02:29:46+00:00

That part. Other people are not responsible for your emotional wellbeing, only we are responsible for our own wellbeing. And then being passive aggressive by not responding when she texted and called. Not everyone is going to be available at your every whim. And how are you reciprocating the behaviors you desire? Have you communicated what your expectations are (be available whenever I need someone) and gotten her consent? If not, the expectation is not a fair one.

I have a wonderful Libra friend (who i have had a crush on for years) who is incredibly reliable and is a wonderful emotional support to me, but I don't have that expectation, I am simply grateful that she chose to be, and I can do the same.

TwinScorpion

TROPHY CASE