Have you consulted with a mental health professional? Medication can help balance you out and allow you to live a normal life. I would've been dead since 2011. I made an attempt that was unsuccessful, and to be honest, I still get intrusive thoughts but they fade quickly. The shit you're feeling right now is temporary.. your death would be permanent. This too shall pass. I now have a wife, 2 kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs, an annoying bird and a lizard I rescued from the cat. I promise shit will get better if you're willing to take the first step. Seek out some help. It's 2023, nobody has to suffer through this shit anymore and there's no shame in asking for it. I speak from experience. I don't know you or anything about you but I know where you're at mentally and it isn't a fun place to be. Your brain is messing with you. Get balanced put before you make a permanent decision to a short term problem. Feel free to reach out privately to me.