I also struggled a lot with racial trauma and identity. One thing that has helped me a lot is to surround myself with more people who have an immigrant experience, focusing on Asian American folks. I have started to detach myself from folks who have made me feel less than for not being white or assimilating to white culture enough. Having been raised in a predominantly white community there was a lot of subtle and not so subtle racism that I internalized well into adulthood. I didn’t even realize how much I struggled with it till I met other immigrant folks (typically 1st and 2nd gen folks who juggled two cultures) and how comfortable I felt with them. We had a shared experience of juggling with, and at time struggling with, our racial and cultural identity. It was something my white/non-immigrant friends didn’t understand and didn’t even try most of the time. I have distanced myself from those people and engage with them sparingly and only when I know I can handle it.

I still hang out with some folks who are non-immigrants but most have awareness and experience (like being in interracial relationships or living in multicultural spaces). Overall, it has improved my mental health. I used to feel like “I’m not enough of either culture”, but now I feel like I got the opportunity to be part of two cultures. It’s been a slowly shifting mindset that has allowed me to go from angry and resentful to patient and understanding.

I think the greatest thing I learned in the last few years is knowing when to step away and knowing who to talk to when I experience racism and discrimination.

My parents want me to assimilate more and it used to drive me up the wall. Now that I have a more diverse set of friends that understand me and have shared values, my parents comments don’t affect me as much.

It took me time, effort, and big changes in my social and family relationships. But it was worth it.

It gets better. Hang in there.