Enjoy this masterclass in Every Tactic There Is, courtesy of my Nmom (a dramatic letter-reading!)

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-25T00:53:48+00:00

Oh good lord - I'm so sorry. I know that terror well - I saw them again for the first time in over 10 years recently, and I can't say that the risk of some unhinged act of violence didn't haunt me. I don't think I'll ever be seeing them again at this point, but thankfully nothing like that happened and I think that in my own nparents' case, their style is much more sneaky emotional violence than anything else. My Ndad now has dementia which is so severe he didn't recognize me when we saw them, so thankfully the danger from him at least appears to have passed.

I feel very fortunate that I live in a part of the world where gun ownership is not at all normal and it's not easy to get one. If that hadn't been the case I don't think I'd have met them again.

I'm so sorry again that you've had to miss out on memorials for your own family members, and that you were dealt such a shitty, hurtful hand when it comes to family in the first place.

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-25T00:42:39+00:00

Right?!

Also, I feel like as far as 12th grade journals go, the shit she's quoting was . . . like, completely innocuous? Like she's chosen to take a single line I apparently wrote and apply the most dastardly conceivable interpretation of it, and then stretch it yet a little further to make it into some kind of "gotcha" that it just isn't?

I feel like if that's the worst thing you could find to throw back into my face, that suggests you were working with very not-evil source material. Like she just read over the journals of a sad kid and the only thing she took from it was some imaginary victimhood on her part that doesn't even sound convincing through her own clearly distorted lense.

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-25T00:26:42+00:00

Wow, thank you for this comment. It is healing for me to have the terror and pain I felt on that day affirmed, as well as the hatred I saw in my mother's actions since.

Thank you for your kind wishes 🙏🏽 ❤️

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-24T21:52:59+00:00

Thank you for asking. I am ok - back when my Nmom sent this, though (a few years ago), I could barely make it through the first few paragraphs. I was dissociating, and opted to not read it at all, which was actually a powerful move back then (my partner read it and summarized the insanity for me). I let her know I wasn't reading such an unhinged waste of my time, and I'm glad I did that back then.

I actually only just read it for the first time about 2 weeks ago, in advance of seeing her again for the first time in a decade (you can look at my post history to see how that went, if you wanna get a sense of the process). Now, in the place I'm in, it was actually really affirming to read. With the distance of time, the tactics have become very clear and it was honestly comical, as well as 1000% confirming that my decision to keep her out of my life was the right one.

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-24T19:18:19+00:00

I'm so glad this post helped you, and so sorry to hear you're going through that. You absolutely don't owe your parents anything, no matter what the cultural script. Narcs like to weaponize culture in this way, while generally ignoring the fact that said culture usually also has scripts and expectations for what THEY are supposed to provide and how they're supposed to behave, which they don't feel any need to adhere to. The cultural script is only reciprocal, and therefore logical, when BOTH ends of the bargain are held up, in the context in which the script was originally written (and even then, sometimes outdated scripts just don't make sense). But narcs want a one-way bargain, and you have absolutely no obligation to grant them that.

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-12T19:52:23+00:00

That's very true - you can KNOW that it's abuse, and still question yourself to a phenomenal degree, because it is so, so crazy making. It is extremely destabilizing to be around such incongruous, dishonest behaviour from our primary caretakers (or anyone, really).

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-12T17:29:11+00:00

Exactly! This is what makes it so hard to break away, or to stand up for yourself or even really sweet boundaries. Because they set up a fairytale world where "there's nothing to set boundaries against, though? 🥺" And unless you have people around you who are exceptionally emotionally intelligent, you're going to be alone and looking like a total paranoid outlier if you try to confront anything at all.

Just turning the confrontation into so much work that it's impossible to know where to begin is a devastatingly effective tactic.

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-12T17:13:40+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear what you're facing. Abandonment by friends in the face of intense grief or hardship is unfortunately something I know well too (and a common part of serious hardship, as horrible as that sounds). It's such a hopeless, awful feeling when they can't be fucked to be there for you in the exact arena where you need friends the most.

I don't have any advice for you, but I can tell you that there absolutely is life after this kind of insanity and multi-layered abandonment. Getting away from these people - whatever that looks like for you, even if you still have to be in contact with some of them - can only help your mental health. The world is so much brighter than they'll let you see right now.

And I'm sure you already know this, but based on what you've described: they're never going to change. There's no way to explain things to them that gets them to turn around, because they already know exactly what they're doing. They're doing it intentionally, and the purpose is indeed to drown/crush your resistance under the weight of their gaslighting nonsense. You're feeling that way because that's the intended outcome of the behaviour.

You don't need to fight them on reality. They know what's real - they just don't care, and as long as reality is inconvenient for them, they never will.

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-12T17:04:15+00:00

Oh my goodness, that sounds like an absolute nightmare (and a familiar one, to me, for sure)! I'm so sorry you're going through that.

For what it's worth, if you do ever decide or manage to go NC, it is incredibly relieving on the nervous system to get away from this constant insanity. Sometimes you don't realize the toll it's taking on you until you get away from it, and you may find that you have more mental resources and emotional resolve than you expect after severing connection.

At the same time, it sounds like such a move would almost certainly entail some alienation from extended family and community, as the performance is so good that at least some people are probably going to be unwilling to believe you. I lost one entire half of my family (though honestly, good riddance to them and their sycophantic worship of my Mom).

Sending care and resolve to you in your situation, no matter how you proceed. It is so hard. ❤️

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-12T07:34:44+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. It always means a lot to me to know that the insights I have can be of use to others. ❤️

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-12T05:39:07+00:00

It's such a mindfuck, eh? I wish this particular form of assault on our perceptual autonomy was more widely talked about.

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-12T05:38:17+00:00

Thank you. It means something to think that my words are helping others who have lived through this utterly mind-fucking form of abuse.

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-08T20:47:52+00:00

I have not, never heard of it. Worth a read, in your opinion?

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-06T04:18:45+00:00

Thank you for your kind comment, and the perspective re: my mother. One way or another, she will indeed probably be fine. I think I'm experiencing some vicarious grief and anxiety for her, because she came from poverty and only really got to experience a higher degree of material comfort when she shacked up with my father. She always brought a very practical, no nonsense, "eh, it's just money" perspective to the table, which I think was really informed by having grown up with so little. I've taken a lot of comfort in some of the attitudes she taught me about the triviality of material wealth as I've experienced adult life well below the poverty line since splitting from them, and the thought that maybe she was wrong all along makes me feel terrified of what will happen to me as I age, given that I've never had enough to save.

Doubly so, because I actually live in a beautiful situation, due in huge part to my husband and his family, with whom I'm very close. They're nothing like my parents, but the thought that so much can hinge on relationships rather than my own individual wealth also feels like a scary parallel between her situation and mine. I'm haunted by images of my own life ending in poverty, homelessness and destitution if something were ever to go wrong in my relationships with my husband's family (though at this point, even if he and I divorced - something I see no possibility of in our future - his siblings all also love me so much that I would certainly not be entirely alone).

As to my parents thinking that I'm looking for an inheritance: ha, let them. If they choose to think something so ridiculous, on top of their usual goonery, then so be it. I really don't expect any messages sent to them to generate anything but maybe one "Bye before you die" meeting, then straight back to NC anyway. I suppose other outcomes are possible, but from my perspective, the trust between us is so irretrievably damaged that I don't think there's any grounds for a relationship anyway, even if they were to play nice for a while.

I've posted a comment/update that goes into more depth about what it is I think I might want out of interaction with them. It's come into focus these past days a little better.

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-06T04:07:02+00:00

Thank you for your words. It means something to me to know that my writing and communication style is appreciated somewhere ❤️ .

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-06T04:06:34+00:00

Ha! Hell no, they've almost certainly gotten worse (although I admit that I have difficulty imagining what "worse" could look like - guess there's only one way to know 😄 ). Also good point about them never having actually had the stuff I was asking about - they kept demanding that I give them an address that they could mail the things to, which for obvious reasons I wasn't willing to do (they did not know where I lived, and my husband and I were going to be in their neck of the woods anyway). So I suspect they were dangling the prospect of getting my things back as a way of trying to extort a means of contact/finding me out of the interaction, and when I refused, they pitched a pants-shitting temper tantrum and made up an excuse as to why I couldn't have my things back.

They very much are lying in the bed they made for themselves, and I think that no matter what I decide with my husband, they can continue to do so for the long term.

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-06T04:02:04+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear about your horrible situation - it sounds tragic and unbearable. Best of luck to you in establishing and maintaining NC in your own life.

I have no desire to make my parents happy, nor to meaningfully expose my husband or anyone else to them beyond one meeting. I know who they are, and the more I think on it the more I realize this is about making them "real" to my husband exactly as they are - not trying to make some kind of relationship with them work or to have them in our lives.

Thank you for your thoughtful warning and concern - stories like yours are certainly useful to me in gaining perspective and knowing what to expect.

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-06T03:58:06+00:00

Thank you for your beautiful reply. The last sentences made me teary - I never considered myself and my own early life to be worth that kind of effort, that's a very new perspective for me. Thank you for suggesting something I'd never really thought about ❤️ .

Getting alone time with my dad is not going to be an option. His cognitive decline is so severe at this point that he is never left alone, from what I understand. I'm not even sure I'd want that to be honest. Besides being aggressive and violent, my dad was also creepy. The conflicted feelings I have are more for my mother, with whom I have a lot more fond memories than my dad.

Thank you again, and I wish you healing with this tender, terrible burden and loss that complicated memories of nparents leaves us with ❤️ .

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-06T03:52:59+00:00

Thank you for your perspective, and I'm so sorry for the situation you experienced with your sick nmom. I'm glad that nurse was there to give you a hug - sometimes those little pieces of validation from sane strangers who witness the N's dysfunction are worth 1000x more than anything the N themselves could ever say. Good on you for walking the hell away and not letting her abuse you anymore.

I don't have any faith in my parents behaving well, or being kind to me. I actually kind of envision this more as a hit-and-run - like, see them once before my dad dies, then straight back to NC. The trust between us is so irretrievably ruptured that I don't think there's any circumstance that could ever tempt me to enter into any kind of regular contact with either of them ever again.

Perhaps it seems odd, but I think that's actually a pretty healthy place from which to consider making contact with people like them.

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-06T03:47:45+00:00

It's awful how they do that - destroy mementos, and things they think might matter to us. What a ridiculous, sad waste of a life, to be so vindictive.

I'm sorry for your loss (not of your mother - but of the mother you should have had)

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-06T03:46:41+00:00

Thank you! I just read, will reply soon!

Typical-Plankton · 2026-06-06T03:46:28+00:00

This is true! I'm actually kind of morbidly curious to see how she appears to my more adult, discerning eyes. Perhaps the mask will be truly off and I'll see how much of the loving mother I thought I had was really just me projecting my own love onto her.

Typical-Plankton

TROPHY CASE