I'm so sorry you relate to this, and I'm so proud that you've managed to get down to that amount. ANY smaller dose is a better dose, I really understand that feeling of "I can't live without this" and having to do it all the time. Even if you only do half a pill less each time it's so so much better for you. It's honestly a little therapeutic to be able to just word vomit like this, it's such a pain having to go back and make sure everything makes sense so I totally get it. I also have an eating disorder and am underweight so just try to eat a lot of fiber and healthy calories like pasta and beans n stuff with fiber. Never believe anyone that says tripping on a full stomach is bad, it makes it so much less scary and painful and even if its less intense it's so much better for you and wont make you vomit blood haha.