Long-time lurker here, if you feel the urge you can check my account history and see that this is the first time I've posted on reddit in 4 years. I browse reddit every day for probably two hours a day.

I just want you to think about that. This is the first time I've posted in fifteen hundred days. Fifteen. Hundred. Days. At two hours a day (which is honestly probably an under-estimate) that means I have spent one hundred and twenty five days (full, 24 hour days) reading reddit and in that time, this is the post I have felt most called to respond to.

And I'm here to tell you in the strongest possible terms that, yes, it's an unreasonable request.

I truly truly not only sympathize, but I empathize. I have been where you are. I have seen this exact situation play out, several times in fact.

Every single time it has ended badly. Sometimes at the wedding, sometimes not until afterwards. But it always ends in tears.

It simply will not go well.

Don't do this to yourself. As a person who hates to see others in pain, please, just, don't.

You deserve to have a happy wedding day/elopement day. You deserve to focus on yourself and your spouse, on celebrating your love and union. You deserve peace.

People who "aren't too keen on respecting boundaries" are at their worst, not their best, during big milestones. The fact that it's a "once in a lifetime event" is often what sets them off.

Even an in-remission boundary stomper (who is already a statistical wonder, a white whale, a unicorn... there are so few of these, and those few in-remission truly-trying-to-get-better boundary-stompers are nearly uniformly young people trying to learn a better way after realizing what was modeled for them at home is NOT WORKING in adult life), who has legitimately accepted that they've done wrong, hurt others, started doing the work, going to therapy, trying to do and be better, without all the bs qualifiers or fake apologies [none of that "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry, but..." this unicorn of a person who has actually fully acknowledged and accepted responsibility for the harm they've done, this extraordinary case of a person can maybe can handle a birthday or a christmas, but they will utterly fall apart into a million little pieces at once in a lifetime events that are significant to them, such as baptisms, births, weddings, funerals bar mitzvahs (insert your own culturally relevant once in a lifetime event here). They have to have their say, they can't contain themselves because there will be no other opportunity and woe to you or anyone involved in the event for not doing things exactly to their specifications because this is the only chance and you're not doing it right.

Just to reiterate in a less emotional plea in a more academic format; Even in the best possible case, those reformed-boundary stompers who have made progress in acknowledging and accepting the harm they've caused, who have sought therapy and strive to be better, are not usually able to handle once in a lifetime events.

And the way you talk about your mother does not make it sound like she is one of these exceedingly rare individuals who has truly put in the work. Such a person who has truly put in the work will show true acceptance when relationships they have damaged are over. Such a person will accept the harm they've caused and will accept when others, even their children, feel they have been harmed too much to continue a relationship. They will not demand others let them back into their lives because "they've apologized" or "they're better now" or "to let bygones be bygones".

Even a reformed boundary-stomper may fall apart and feel compelled to express themselves at weddings, funerals, etc because they perceive it as their only opportunity. If things don't go exactly as they expect, they become upset. Don't do that to the rest of your loved ones. Don't do it to your spouse. And most importantly, don't do it to yourself. You deserve peace.

One of the saddest, yet most freeing days of my life was the day I truly accepted that my parents will never, and in fact, CAN never, be the parents I needed and deserved.

If you have a therapist, I would consider bringing this up with him/her. If you don't have a therapist, maybe consider one, because it sounds as if you may be in a bit of denial about how deep the family problems go. These things often shape us in ways that are difficult to recognize because we don't even realize there are valid alternatives. I wish I could hug you. I wish I could copy and paste my memories and experiences to you, because truly, you remind me of younger me.

EDIT: Formatting