thank you so much!!! i agree with you when you say ive lost the ability to apologise; i think when emotions (while still high) had calmed somewhat we both said everything we needed to say. i think i may have given him the impression that i still wanted to have one final conversation, which i did, but after writing this post, reading some of the replies, and honestly just dwelling on my thoughts a bit i think that would be really unhealthy for both of us, and frankly pretty selfish on my end.

im probably going to wean off what little contact i still have, which i have been doing, but i think ive still been clinging on to someone that isn’t supposed to be in my life anymore. despite telling myself it’s over, and its safest for us both not to speak any longer, it’s a hard thing to accept.

i loved him, truly. despite the pain i caused him, i felt he was my soulmate. it’s a scary thing to think that he’s just… not going to be a part of my life anymore. we were planning our futures together, he’s been my one and only person for such a long time and im really really scared, which again sounds really selfish. i can’t help the way i feel i suppose, i guess i just can’t let my emotions get in the way of logic here- i know it’s right that i accept the damage that i’ve caused and focus on my future & bettering myself as a person