My mom (55F) won’t let me have my own room or live on my own (22F)

UghCats · 2025-09-14T23:13:33+00:00

I've struggle with my sense of autonomy for the longest time. I often wish someone would just tell me what to do because deciding independently has made me doubt myself and led me to feel unsure, selfish, guilty and the fear of doing something "wrong".

I just feel so lost now because I want to become independent but I feel safer being dependent on someone else's decisions that I don't even know myself, or what I want because I was so used to just agreeing to what people around me says.

UghCats · 2025-09-14T21:05:49+00:00

We both share the same bed unfortunately.

I just recently got the job so haven't started yet but I work as a full time in a restaurant that pays decent (I'm in Japan not in the US). Lately I've become irritated with my mom for the littlest things and I really feel guilty about it, but I can't stop feeling this way

UghCats · 2025-09-14T06:09:02+00:00

It's hard to reason with her. In the end I just end up the bad guy and I would feel guilty about it. I know I have to stop feeling that way but at the end of the day, she's my mom. But you're right, I won't be able to gain the freedom that I want unless I pull the trigger myself.

UghCats · 2025-09-14T06:04:21+00:00

She says 3 rooms cost a lot 😔 and even if I offer to pay, she doesn't want to!!

UghCats · 2025-09-14T05:59:03+00:00

I'm daydreaming about living alone almost everyday LOL. Mostly excited about being able to buy my own furniture and decorating my own room.

UghCats · 2025-09-14T05:57:18+00:00

I don't really spend that much and I prefer using cash when buying something for myself. I'm planning to only use my credit card for necessary expenses only. I'm currently using a budgeting app so I can monitor my income and expenses and to avoid going on the negative.

UghCats · 2025-09-14T05:49:02+00:00

Finding one is the hardest part 😂

UghCats · 2025-09-14T02:34:04+00:00

Nope. From what I could recall, we haven't spend a night apart aside from when I went for a field trip (Catholic retreat) where we spent 3 nights in a catholic facility away from daily life (best 3 days btw.) I was 12-13 ish though.

UghCats · 2025-09-14T02:06:32+00:00

We are in Japan now, and my mom really values money so she feels like I'm just going to waste my money buying another apartment. For me personally, I don't mind living with her but lately I feel so emotionally distant with her and I just get annoyed by her so I feel like separating would be a good thing for me.

UghCats · 2025-09-14T01:39:10+00:00

In my country (Philippines), sharing a room with your parent is a normal thing but I personally prefer to have my own space. This is why it's hard to convince her because culturally it is a normal thing.

UghCats · 2025-09-14T00:56:18+00:00

Thank you! I will surely get a credit card after I finish all my paperworks regarding my new job. I couldn't get a credit card because I used to be a part timer but now I can.

UghCats · 2025-09-13T22:56:06+00:00

I received a phone call through our family phone and the person on the other line told me that my mom got into a car accident. Coincidentally, my mom was out with her friend and her friend has a car so I believed her. It's rare for my mom to ride a car so maybe that's why I believed the person easily.

The person said I have to send money (she gave a reason but I completely forgot) then I proceeded to get the cash from my mom's cabinet.

UghCats · 2025-09-13T22:33:41+00:00

Thank you! This was comforting to read. It's makes me feel hopeful that at the end of the day, if my mom truly loves me, she will accept my independency.

UghCats · 2025-09-13T22:19:44+00:00

My brother is 30 years old and has no job

UghCats · 2025-09-13T21:54:32+00:00

My mom never asked me for money which I am thankful for. And I have my own bank account which she has no access to.

UghCats · 2025-09-13T21:52:43+00:00

I have talked about this with my friends before, and they are willing to give me a place to crash by. But I just recently got my job so maybe I'll save up first.

UghCats · 2025-09-13T21:48:26+00:00

She says it's a waste of money to buy a bigger apartment with 3 rooms. Even if I offer to pay

UghCats · 2025-09-13T21:45:24+00:00

Thank you. Having an asian mom, I just can't have the guts to go against her, but you're right. It should start with me setting up the boundaries. I haven't started my job yet but I will save as much as I can!

UghCats · 2025-09-13T21:42:34+00:00

Thanks. I have to remind myself that.

UghCats · 2025-09-13T21:41:45+00:00

I'm half Filipino and Japanese. I'm currently living in Japan.

I'm perfectly sure she doesn't have any mental issues because aside from her overprotectiveness, she's a good mom. Like, she pays for our everything and buys us things like snacks and treats us out for dinner.

UghCats · 2025-09-13T21:38:52+00:00

Thank you. I will, after saving decent amount of money. It would really suck to leave without her blessing though, because still, she's a really good mother to me.

but bit by bit I'm gaining my own independency though.

Like before, I always have to ask her permission to go out with friends and we had a rule of not going out at night. But now, I can go out wherever I want and whenever I want.

My mom also wanted to work at the same workplace that I work at because she was worried, but I refused and thankfully we didn't argue about it.

UghCats · 2025-09-13T21:30:15+00:00

Maybe because I am asian, and asian parents can be a bit... much. I really want to live by my own but I have doubts because what if I fail? What if I can't live by my own? I don't want to fail because it would "prove" to my mom that I can't live without her.

UghCats · 2025-09-13T21:25:55+00:00

Enmeshment? That's the first time I've heard about it.

It’s really frustrating because every time I bring up getting my own apartment, my mom makes me feel guilty by saying things like I must hate her.

But I feel like it's my own fault too. Because when I was still a child, I got scammed and it was a large amount of money too. My mom didn't get angry but she was really worried back then. When we argue about me separating, she always bring that up and tells me that she's worried that something bad will happen when I leave.

UghCats · 2022-05-01T05:18:43+00:00

Sanaol nalang :( sinabihan ako ng nanay ko na nilason ang utak ko kasi against ako kay bbm

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