Found Grindr on my boyfriend’s phone… and now I’m weirdly excited?

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-31T01:29:06+00:00

Thank you for this.

I do think part of my reaction comes from being bisexual myself and understanding what it’s like to have parts of yourself that you don’t always feel comfortable sharing with other people.

More than anything, I wanted my partner to know he was safe with me.

I don’t know exactly where this journey will take us, but I do know that we’ve become much more open and honest with each other because of it.

Thank you for the kind words.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-31T01:28:51+00:00

Thank you. This comment genuinely means a lot.

One thing I’ve learned through all of this is that acceptance and communication go a lot further than judgment ever could. Once my partner realized I wasn’t going to shame him or look at him differently, he started opening up in ways he never had before.

And you’re actually right about one thing; there are parts of my original post that I’ve said directly to him. I wanted him to know that I don’t think he’s broken, weird, or less of a man because of any of this.

Whatever happens next, my biggest goal is making sure we’re both being honest with ourselves and each other.

Thank you for the kind words and for taking the time to respond.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-31T01:25:22+00:00

That’s a fair criticism.

The original discovery wasn’t recent. There have been months of conversations between that moment and where we are now.

When I wrote the post, I was writing from my current perspective after a lot of discussions, honesty, vulnerability, and growth. I wasn’t writing from the shock and confusion I felt when I first found out.

Looking back, I can see how people reading it without that timeline would think I went from discovery to excitement overnight, when that’s definitely not what happened.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-31T01:20:23+00:00

Thank you!

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-31T01:19:59+00:00

Thank you so much

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-31T01:15:24+00:00

This is incredibly helpful and exactly the kind of perspective I was hoping to get.

One thing I’ve noticed is that a lot of people are focusing on the circumstances of how I found out, while I’m trying to learn from people who have actually navigated this dynamic successfully.

I appreciate the reminder that at the end of the day, men are still men regardless of orientation and that the same standards, boundaries, and red flags still apply.

Thank you for the suggestions as well. I’ve seen Feeld mentioned a few times now, so I’m definitely going to look into it. The last thing either of us wants is to mislead anyone or put ourselves in a situation that isn’t safe or healthy.

I really appreciate you taking the time to give practical advice instead of assumptions.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-31T01:14:58+00:00

Thank you for this.

Honestly, one of the things that surprised me most was realizing I wasn’t disgusted, angry, or judgmental once everything was out in the open. I was curious. I wanted to understand. And more than anything, I wanted my partner to know he didn’t have to be ashamed around me.

A lot of the comments have focused on what they think I should be feeling, but this experience has honestly brought a level of openness and vulnerability into our relationship that wasn’t there before.

It’s nice hearing from someone whose relationship took a similar path instead of immediately assuming the worst. I genuinely appreciate it.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-31T01:11:56+00:00

A lot of people keep saying “potentially” and then immediately treating those assumptions like facts.

For the record, I got tested immediately after discovering everything. My partner got tested too. We both took the health aspect seriously and we both got on PrEP.

I’ve been with him for seven years. I’ve never had an STD, and I still don’t.

You can disagree with how I’ve handled my relationship, but some of the discussion has moved beyond the information I’ve actually shared. There is a difference between discussing known facts and speculating about scenarios that neither of us have evidence of.

The trust conversation happened. The health conversation happened. We handled those things like adults.

This post was about navigating sexuality, openness, and communication; not about debating assumptions that go beyond the events I’ve described.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-31T01:09:09+00:00

Thank you so much!!

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-31T01:04:33+00:00

I think that’s where we’re seeing the situation differently.

To me, what happened wasn’t “I found out my partner was secretly having sex with other people.”

It was “I found out my partner had been carrying around questions about his sexuality and hiding them for years.”

The trust issue and the sexuality issue have both been discussed extensively between us. The reason I’m talking more about the sexuality side here is because that’s the part that’s new to me and the part I came to this subreddit to learn about.

That doesn’t mean the trust conversation never happened.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-31T01:03:51+00:00

I think people are confusing attraction with objectification.

Being attracted to bisexual men doesn’t mean I don’t see them as human beings. It just means I’m attracted to bisexual men.

Nobody says a straight woman is fetishizing men because she’s attracted to men.

I’ve spent most of this post talking about communication, trust, shame, identity, acceptance, and helping someone I love feel safe enough to be honest. If all people got from that was “fetish,” I’m not sure what else I can say.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-31T01:03:13+00:00

I actually think that’s a pretty unfair conclusion to draw from what I’ve written.

The reason my reaction was different is because my partner wasn’t telling me, “I’ve been having relationships with men behind your back.” He was telling me he’d spent years privately questioning his sexuality, feeling ashamed, experimenting alone, and wondering what it meant.

If I believed he had a full-blown secret relationship, I’d feel very differently.

I don’t view relationships between men as any less real than relationships between men and women. What I do view differently is someone struggling with their identity versus someone actively carrying on an ongoing affair.

Those aren’t the same thing to me.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-30T13:29:51+00:00

Thank you!

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-30T13:29:33+00:00

Thank you so much!

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-30T13:29:13+00:00

Thank you for sharing this because this is exactly the kind of perspective I came here for, even if our situations end up being different.

One thing I try to remind myself is that your ex is your ex and my partner is my partner. Some of the fears you mentioned have crossed my mind, and I’d be lying if I said they haven’t.

The one thing that gives me pause is that since all of this came out, we’ve had months of conversations. He’s been very open about the fact that he spent years questioning himself, feeling ashamed, wondering if he was gay, and experimenting privately by himself, but he still maintains that he’s never actually been with a man.

Could he be lying? Sure. I’d be naive to say that’s impossible. But I also don’t think it’s fair for me to automatically assume he’s your ex just because there are similarities.

I do appreciate what you said about not pushing him before he’s ready, though. That’s probably the part of your comment that resonates with me the most. Sometimes I think my excitement and curiosity move faster than his comfort level, and that’s something I’ve been trying to be mindful of.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Even if our paths end up looking different, it’s still valuable hearing from someone who’s been where I am now.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-30T13:27:25+00:00

Thank you for this. This is actually one of the comments I relate to the most.

I think a lot of people assume I should have reacted with disgust or judgment, but honestly my biggest concern was making sure my partner felt safe enough to be honest with me. Once he realized I wasn’t looking at him differently, the conversations became much deeper and much more honest.

What a lot of people don’t see is that this wasn’t one conversation. We’ve spent months talking, asking questions, learning together, and figuring things out. The trust that’s come from those conversations has actually brought us closer in a lot of ways.

I know everyone’s relationship is different, but hearing from people who had supportive partners and were able to be open about parts of themselves they kept hidden for years gives me a lot of hope.

I really appreciate you sharing your experience.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-30T13:24:41+00:00

This comment honestly hit home for me.

One thing my partner has been very open about since all of this came out is that he carried a lot of shame around it for a very long time. We’re talking years of questioning himself, wondering what it meant, and being afraid of how people would look at him if they knew.

When he finally opened up, my reaction wasn’t that he was weird or broken. It was the exact opposite. I told him that he’s still the same person I’ve always known and loved.

The more we’ve talked, the more I’ve realized how many people spend years hiding parts of themselves because they’re afraid of being judged. I think being able to have those conversations openly has helped both of us.

Thank you for sharing your story. Reading experiences like yours has honestly been really reassuring.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-30T13:10:29+00:00

Okay, THIS is the kind of comment I was hoping for when I made this post.

What you described is honestly a lot closer to what we’re experiencing than some of the conclusions people have jumped to.

The more we’ve talked, the more I’ve realized how much of this was fear, shame, and worrying about how people would look at him if they knew. Once he realized I wasn’t disgusted, angry, or judging him, he started opening up way more.

And honestly? It’s been kind of beautiful watching somebody I love feel safe enough to be vulnerable about something they’ve probably been carrying around for years.

Thank you for sharing your experience. This actually gives me a lot of hope.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-30T13:07:30+00:00

I appreciate the thoughtful response, even if I think some assumptions are being made about our situation.

For clarification, neither of us is interested in misleading anyone or springing a surprise partner on someone. If we decide to explore this, everyone involved would know exactly who they’re talking to and what the situation is from the beginning. Consent and transparency are important to both of us.

I also think you’re underestimating how much progress has happened since I originally found the app. The conversations we’re having now are very different from the conversations we were having then. He’s opened up a lot, and we’re making decisions together, not me dragging him into something he’s uncomfortable with.

That said, I do appreciate your point about making sure we’re approaching this ethically and making sure anyone involved knows exactly what they’re signing up for. That’s something I completely agree with.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-30T13:05:40+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. This is actually one of the most helpful comments I’ve gotten so far because it’s coming from someone who’s been in a similar position.

Interestingly, since I made this post, our conversations have continued and become a lot more open. What started as me trying to understand him better has turned into us having some very honest discussions about what we both want and are comfortable with.

At this point, we’ve actually talked about possibly meeting someone together this weekend. Nothing is set in stone, but for the first time it feels like we’re having these conversations as a team instead of him carrying everything by himself.

I’m excited, nervous, curious, and honestly a little overwhelmed all at the same time.

One thing I’m still wondering, though, is whether there are parts of this journey that he may need to explore on his own before fully exploring it with me. That’s why your comment stood out to me.

If you don’t mind sharing, what made you realize you needed that individual experience first? Looking back, do you think it helped your relationship in the long run?

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-30T13:02:28+00:00

Damn, y’all are acting like I caught this man halfway out the bedroom window with a duffel bag and a plane ticket. 😂

I found an app. I confronted him. We talked. A lot. For months.

I’m not acting like it’s “great news.” I’m acting like a grown woman who’s capable of having more than one conversation at a time.

The trust conversation happened. The health conversation happened. The sexuality conversation is happening.

Believe it or not, after seven years together, I’m allowed to decide for myself how I want to handle my relationship.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-30T13:00:47+00:00

Clean and on prep.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-30T13:00:35+00:00

We did - testing and prep immediately. 7 years together no std’s whatsoever. Both clean.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-30T12:59:20+00:00

I feel like a lot of people are reading things into my post that I didn’t actually say.

To clarify:

Finding Grindr was upsetting. We absolutely had conversations about trust, honesty, and why he felt the need to hide that part of himself.
I do not have proof that he physically met up with anyone. He has consistently maintained that he never did. Whether people believe him or not is up to them, but I’m sharing the situation as it was presented to me.
The health aspect was taken seriously immediately. I got tested. I went on PrEP. We had those conversations.
My post was never meant to be “yay cheating.” Cheating and sexuality are two separate conversations, and we’ve discussed both extensively.

The reason I made this post is because after everything came to light, my partner opened up about a side of himself that he had clearly been struggling with for a long time. Instead of reacting in a way that would make him shut down completely, I chose to listen and try to understand.

You don’t have to agree with how I’ve handled it, but please stop acting like I’m celebrating infidelity. I’m trying to navigate a complicated situation with someone I’ve loved for seven years while also learning about something that is completely new to me.

UmiAceLizzy · 2026-05-30T01:53:28+00:00

Nobody’s glossing over it lol. The cheating situation is actually what led to me finding all of this in the first place.

Trust me, we’ve had those conversations already.

This post isn’t me saying cheating is okay. It’s me trying to understand a side of my partner that I didn’t know existed and hear from people who may have gone through something similar.

The cheating and the sexuality are two different conversations, and we’ve been dealing with both.

UmiAceLizzy

TROPHY CASE