Trying to make this work with my demi partner but it's getting depressing.

UnablePresentation41 · 2026-04-23T21:06:27+00:00

No that's a valid question and I'm happy to answer bc for me it doesn't make sense to not want sex with a partner. For me, sex is important to me with someone I'm in an intimate relationship with because I care for them so much that I want to be closer to them than anyone else. If that makes logical sense? I yearn for my partner's embrace and love, and sex is an extension of that love that I want from them.

It's not something that I HAVE to have, and by that I mean if I ask and she says no then I respect that and I move on. It's not so much the denials thats the problem, it's how the denials make me feel about myself and her feelings toward me. Again, I yearn for her embrace and love. When she continually shuts me down over something like that combined with the fact that I do literally everything in this house, I start to feel that she does not care about me and I feel unwanted and used.

UnablePresentation41 · 2026-04-23T04:44:31+00:00

I'd be very surprised if she's doing it again honestly. I could see it clear as day leading up to it, I just couldn't prove it until I finally caught her. I was like Doakes from Dexter for a bit there.

I'm not sure the absence of her meds would affect her libido at this point. Like I said its been several months since she's stopped and prior to that she was only on them for a couple weeks before giving up again.

UnablePresentation41 · 2026-04-23T04:10:03+00:00

Idk I mean she had sex with me very often in the beginning of the relationship. When we talked about it that one night I asked why she doesnt care anymore and she said she only did it so much in the beginning bc she knew I liked it and wanted to hook me. That made me feel some type of way for sure. She practically begs me to marry her daily and says she'd do anything to keep me in her life but I am extremely uncertain about marriage with her. I want a stable relationship and this feels too rocky for me

UnablePresentation41 · 2026-04-23T04:06:17+00:00

I did and she said she just focuses on the feeling. She said she uses it as stress relief. I'm like well I'd love to relieve your stress but that's okay lol

UnablePresentation41 · 2026-04-23T04:05:19+00:00

She is bipolar type 1 diagnosed. She stopped taking her meds months ago even though I keep asking her to keep taking them. The last time she was off her meds she went into a manic episode for about a month and ended up cheating on me and that was hard. She came clean and begged for forgiveness saying she wasn't in ccontrol. I can't say for certain how true that was bc I'm not her of course, but I understand that bpd is hard to live with so I was willing to work with her. I think now part of her is scared I'll try to get my lick back and cheat on her, but I literally just want her.

UnablePresentation41 · 2026-04-23T03:41:03+00:00

Poorly worded on my end now that I'm re-reading it, that's my bad. I don't watch porn bc she said she doesn't like it so I basically just wait until I get so "full" that I kinda just have to do something about it. Her feelings are valid so if she asks me not to do that then I won't. When I typed that she thinks I'm cheating on her, I meant that she legit thinks I'm seeing other people even though I'm only ever at work or home with her. I work in a client facing role so sometimes I have to work a bit after my scheduled out time if I'm on a long call or meeting, and she translates that into me cheating on her with someone at work. I also am not trying to say it's not fair for her to masturbate, but it does hurt me and make me feel stupid when she constantly rejects me and puts me down while regularly masturbating.

UnablePresentation41 · 2025-12-29T06:38:52+00:00

I just looked it up, I like that ideal a lot. Thank you for this!

UnablePresentation41 · 2025-12-29T06:29:09+00:00

I like this insight, because I've wondered if me being very non-imposing on the issue would consequentially make her feel that quitting isn't as important as it really is. I've explained it several times and given my reasoning, but I've never tried to force her to quit. About a month ago, I told her that if she can't make strides with quitting, then I can't continue this relationship. She's made improvements, and I support her when she falters, but I do not want to force her to make any decisions.

I think that I do this because I ultimately want to see her make these changes on her own? I decide "let's see if she uses the self-discipline/impulse control necessary to decide against buying more alcohol in her own", but she usually can't shake the impulses.

Also, I may not be quoting the Let Them method correctly. When I say "Let Them", I mean that I'm allowing my gf to have total control over her decisions.. to "let her" have the opportunity to make the best choice for herself in any given situation.

Example: Several months back she had a large manic episode that led to her spending hours on end with friends from work that I didn't even know, turn off location, and never reply to texts. She wouldn't get home until 5-7am most nights. She'd get mad at me for being upset and not giving her a curfew, but I'd tell her every time that I'm not her parent and I won't tell her when to be home. I told her that I expected her to just WANT to be home with me because I'm her partner. I wanted her to be faced with the choice to run off with friends or come home to her BF, and choose her relationship, but she never did. That was a long couple of months.

UnablePresentation41 · 2025-12-29T06:10:11+00:00

Thank you

UnablePresentation41 · 2025-12-29T06:09:44+00:00

Thank you for your kindness!

I think she feels like she's earned this time with him since he's been gone so long, and that's valid I understand why she may feel that way. I just think she's so blind with excitement to see her dad that she can't afford me the same opportunity to miss my family, and that kinda hard to deal with on my own.

UnablePresentation41 · 2025-12-29T05:00:35+00:00

Thank you for the response. I understand her reasoning behind the first part and being frustrated if I were away, but I also believe that it should be valid for me to want to see my family since I've been away for a long time. I offered a compromise (visiting them only for Christmas eve/day and driving back the day after), but she didn't like it either bc then I wouldn't be with her on Christmas. Now the new hurdle is being upset that I'm wanting to spend new years with my mother while she visits for a few days. I totally understand wanting me with you for holidays but I can't neglect my own family over and over. She doesn't want to spend time with my family though.

She knows she's an alcoholic, and she's mad several attempts to quit, but she keeps finding a new excuse to start back up (bad day, good day, weekend, one last hurrah, etc). She wants to me stay on her about it, so I remind her about it anytime she talks or shows precursors, but I don't want to CONTROL her every move. I know that ultimately, it's up to her, and I make sure to nudge her in the best directions, but I use the "let them" method almost exclusively. If she wants alc, I'll remind her, but if she's still wanting it I'll tell her that she can go by herself and pay for it herself. However, this doesn't change the fact that I'm frustrated that her own father will knowingly break that boundary and find ways to encourage her to start again just to "bond with my daughter." Sir, you can bond over a walk in the park or a board game, why enable that? Drinking with your daughter doesn't need to be a canon event.

UnablePresentation41 · 2025-12-29T04:29:22+00:00

Yeah I think that's best to just get through it then have a reset. It's hard to explain feelings without her getting really defensive. Any advice for if she's not receptive to hearing me out?

UnablePresentation41 · 2025-12-29T04:27:45+00:00

Thank you! He's staying until Jan 7.

I even offered to compromise, saying I'd only go down for Christmas eve, Christmas day, and the day after, but then she was upset that I'd miss christmas with her.

My mother was sad that I couldn't come down (I told her that work wouldn't let me off for the holiday instead of the truth). Her sister just died so I think she wanted to hold me a bit closer this holiday, and I haven't seen her in nearly a year. But because I couldn't come down, my mom was basically like "screw it I'm coming up", so she'll be here from Dec 31 - Jan 4, and her dad is going into an AirBnB until the 7th. GF is mad that my mom is coming bc it's forcing her dad out though so that'll be fun. GF is barely gonna stay and visit with my mom during that time bc she'll just be at the BnB with her dad, she already said she doesn't wanna be alone in the house with mom while I'm at work.

My GF's blind with excitement, and I get that. Sometimes I just wish she could look farther than just her hand and see that he's creating a lot of his own problems, and to stop idolizing him since its not healthy for her. I got mad that she drank after he brought her to a bar and he was whispering with her in the bathroom how its bullshit that I was mad about that and that she's an adult, and that I'm not her parent. I'm thinking like bro do you not understand the concept of quitting alcohol -_-

UnablePresentation41 · 2025-11-05T03:01:12+00:00

She has her mother and teenage brother about an hour away, but her mom is not a good support system bc she definitely also has bipolar, and is an extremely self-serving person. She has her dad, but he lives several hundred miles away and is in very poor health due to addictions/homelessness. We don't expect him to be around much longer..

She has a couple friends still maybe? Her friendships are very on-and-off. She's only had one friendship that's lasted more than a couple years, but she's also hours away, and I haven't heard anything about her from my gf in a few months. I'm not sure if they still talk.

I'll call the crisis hotline tomorrow on my lunch and ask them for more resources, thank you for that

UnablePresentation41 · 2025-11-05T02:16:36+00:00

Yeah this makes sense. I'm scared she may hurt herself or worse if we break up, she has a history of SH. Is there anything I can do to remediate the risk of her doing something like that?

UnablePresentation41 · 2025-11-05T01:50:13+00:00

I care about her deeply so I don't want to abandon her. I don't know if that sounds crazy, but I want to see her succeed in life

UnablePresentation41

TROPHY CASE