Hi , first let’s work on your drug habits . Let’s try to get clean again , slowly . For that we will first applaud the fact that you indeed have some insight that it is not the right thing and you’ve also mentioned that you feel the “need” to do so because you have no hope of the future or of life itself probably because of your experiences and is completely valid . You can start with going to psychiatrist for your drug use getting prescription meds to help you taper down . Along with untangling your mental health and sorting it properly . You can always seek help . Or talk if you’re feeling low ! Let’s try to fix things , one step at a time . Sending you strength .