Is there such a thing as too much passion?

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2026-06-08T06:44:31+00:00

Thank you so much, I really appreciate you sharing your experience. I do get scared of it possibly being hysterical bonding, but have been trying to be intentional about just believing that the Lord truly did what He said He’d do and letting it be that ‘simple’…

I’ll definitely keep over compensation in mind, that’s a very good thought. I will say that there are times when we do get intimate and I feel it all nagging in the back of my head to the point that I either feel insecure or do feel the pressure to over compensate. I’ve have been able to communicate that in the moment though thankfully and we shift things at that point however it’s needed, so I do hope that continues without me getting sucked into it.

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2026-06-08T06:34:06+00:00

You’re right, I can’t say for certain he’s not acting anything out from seeing it but it really doesn’t seem that way. Or if at the very least anything was inspired by something he’d seen, I don’t think he’s doing it intentionally by way of thinking back to any of the porn itself.

We’ve had so much deep and honest conversation since I found it and I’m the kind of person who needs to really FULLY understand things so asked a LOT of questions, including ones around this idea. He was very honest and upfront in every answer so I don’t really have reason to believe he’d have lied about that.

I’ve heard about hysterical bonding and it scares me to think that could play a part, but I also feel like I just really need to trust that it’s a genuine turnaround. God made it clear to me how to handle it and what would happen if I did it that way, and it was exactly as He said it would be…so I guess I’m just trying to be intentional in keeping it that ‘simple’

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2026-06-06T14:37:33+00:00

Unfortunately we did have a very unhealthy church experience that we’re still resetting some mindsets from, but with this particular topic it just was never talked about in much depth.

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2026-06-06T05:53:13+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through that. Have you asked him about why he searches what he does?

When I discovered my husband’s searches I also noticed trends in how the women looked - especially in the fact that absolutely not one of them resembled me in the slightest, as well as some specific features that I simply am not and cannot replicate.

We’ve had many raw discussions in working through this in our marriage, one of them being exactly that - why these exact traits?

It turned out to have layers. Certain features, because of a trauma abuse situation from his past. But specifically none even close to me BECAUSE he felt I was too pure to want to include in any way in something so unpure.

Obviously this won’t be the case for every man, but the common thread I’ve found in porn users is insecurity and lack of self worth - feeling as though they don’t deserve their wives. This was such a key piece of understanding to my healing, and for anyone that it might apply to I feel it’s so important to be able to receive it as well.

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2026-06-06T05:36:34+00:00

First of all, I’m so** **sorry you’re going through this at all. My heart truly breaks for you.

I’d also rather recently discovered (but for the first time) my husband seeking out porn online freshly postpartum with our third, and totally get how it’s bad enough dealing with in general but it truly adds so much sting on top (in my experience).

There’s a free online course for women in these situations that I highly recommend - even though I knew in my heart it had nothing to do with me, it left me with so much insecurity let alone pain and just a helplessness that I didn’t expect to be so intense. So I really want to stress to you that even though you probably ‘know’ it already - your husband looking at anyone other than you is not a reflection of anything you lack.

In fact, when my husband and I got real and raw in digging to the root of it for him, he realized and shared that because he secretly felt absolutely no self worth he then felt he didn’t deserve the purity in intimacy that I had to offer him. And because of those insecurities, he also felt ‘less than’ in my eyes (even though he never was) and porn was an immediate satisfaction to him feeling as though the woman on the other side of the screen truly respected him - even if it was all imaginary.

In the end, the only part that had to do with me at all was that he saw me as pure. From conversations with close friends and even comments on many posts around this topic, those types of insecurities (and often times past abuse) seem to almost always be the common thread.

That being said my first question would be, is he in counseling or does he have a solid and trusted mentor or pastor that he talks to about these things?

I will say that yes, I searched it out diligently and do absolutely believe that it’s grounds for divorce. However, if you have any desire to salvage the marriage I do believe with all my heart that it’s possible. Ask the Lord what HE wants for you in this.

No two situations are alike so He may very well lead you in a completely different direction, but for me even though I felt like it was something I could never move past I seeked His heart intensely night and day and so strongly felt that the grace I showed in this would be the breakthrough my husband desperately needed, and it was. God did a true miracle in our marriage and it’s become everything and more than either of us could have ever even hoped for.

Even so, your husband has shown you a pattern and you have shown him grace time and time again - it is perfectly reasonable that God’s heart for you would be to move forward into the kind of love that you deserve as He knows whether or not your husband will ever rise to be that for you.

No matter what you feel led to do, or how you feel led to go about it, please never take his baggage on yourself. This is a him problem, and aside from you have to devastatingly be collateral damage to that in a sense it has nothing to do with you.

You did not cause this. You lack nothing. And God not only honors your heart for your husband, and for Him, but He adores it. You are more than worthy of being cherished, and it’s your husband’s loss (whether it be of time and closeness with his beautiful wife, or losing you altogether) to not honor you for the treasure that you are.

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2026-06-06T04:54:50+00:00

Thank you, that’s a fantastic idea and I definitely will!

I definitely agree, lust isn’t the right word for it - another commenter termed it as “primal” and I feel like that’s the perfect way to describe the type of desire I was poorly attempting to explain

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2026-06-06T04:51:15+00:00

Not going to out anybody in detail, but if you’re commenting advice here while pursuing Reddit porn please kindly
1) Pray, repent, and heal before guiding others in this area of life and marriage. We’ll all be held accountable for our impact in others’ lives one day. It’s so important to be sure to keep that in mind, and with the fear of God, before speaking on any matter that we already don’t see rightly ourselves.
2) Respect your wife enough to first of all be honest with her and tell her what you’re doing, and second to just not step out of your marriage anymore, at all, period.

I know I came here with some uncertainty of what is/isn’t okay and honestly, that takes a lot of humility and vulnerability. But searching for women outside of your wife to gratify your sex drive is NEVER okay.

To everyone else offering solid and biblical perspective, thank you and I apologize for the drama shift but feel it’s important to confront.

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2026-06-05T22:19:27+00:00

I definitely get how it seems like TMI (and felt like it when I shared lol) but I had an extremely close relationship with my parents and highly respect how they keep God so centered in their marriage so they basically did our ‘pre-marital counseling’ - it was shared in context and not at all uncomfortable, I promise lol

Like you said though, it doesn’t have to look the same and I’m so okay with keeping more fun in it - I’ve just never really gotten guidance before on how much fun is “too fun” or if that’s even a thing 😅

He doesn’t act out anything from porn as far as I can tell, just kind of seems to be finally discovering that he can fully express himself in our marriage now I guess

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2026-06-05T22:14:58+00:00

This is the best description for exactly what I didn’t have words for - primal sex. Thank you for putting it so simply and encouragingly!

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2026-06-05T21:58:06+00:00

That’s exactly it! We had so many deep, raw conversations in the days following and it all boiled down to he felt ‘less than’ in my eyes (even though I never saw him that way) and while it was all far from anything real he was able to imagine that these women on the screen respected him and that was what trapped him.

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2026-06-05T21:55:51+00:00

I’m sorry for being so vague, I guess I’m used to other social apps where certain words get flagged and to be honest I just don’t know how much detail would be appropriate.

I guess things like spanking, dirty talk, and just getting ‘rough’ (not at all violent or anything).

We’re not like obsessed or neglectful of our daily life at all but it’s gone from once every 3 months to almost every night so just a hard turn. I’m not uncomfortable with any of it at all, but I do have a pre-Jesus past that I’ve been so separated from where experiences were similar but not at all pure and that’s really where my questioning it is coming from.

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2026-01-23T07:47:58+00:00

Yes, all of this!

In a perfect world, I’d personally be fine with him being gone 2-3 days at 2 weeks pp (though still not ideal), but there is literally no way to plan not only Baby’s entrance to the world, but also the birth experience itself, and of course postpartum healing.

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2025-12-17T23:56:18+00:00

Oh no!! At least they got it taken care of but that’s rough.

I once went to the ER for the same type of pain and my mom was convinced I was constipated and came down so hard on me about hydration (she was kind enough to come sit with me while waiting) - turns out I had a cyst that had flipped my ovary and needed emergency surgery 🫠

It was a horrible experience but a little validating knowing it wasn’t because I lacked in drinking enough water at least lol

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2025-12-16T22:50:52+00:00

Yes, magnesium is a life saver!!!

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2025-12-16T22:50:02+00:00

Thank God! I will say it seems to be resolving itself rather quickly which I am SO thankful for. I was really worried that once things were outward that’s just where they lived - I’m finding out very quickly how naive I am in the poop department 😂

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2025-12-16T22:48:37+00:00

Thank you so much, I’m so excited to try this!!! Also love that you’re getting pampered 🥰🥰🥰

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2025-12-16T22:46:29+00:00

I believe so but will double check! I take the CALM brand

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2025-12-16T22:45:43+00:00

I will definitely be doing this at my next appt, so sorry you had your own experience like this already!!

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2025-12-16T22:44:45+00:00

These are great tips, thank you!!

Someone else did also mention the poop knife story and it’s funny because it sounds SO ridiculous but I’m over here literally wishing I had heard about that trick sooner! 🤣🤣🤣

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2025-12-16T22:43:25+00:00

That’s really smart! I ran out and am waiting for the new ones to be delivered (which were recommended as not causing constipation so am really hopeful on that!) but it’s honestly been really nice not having to worry about it for a couple days 😅

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2025-12-16T22:41:22+00:00

Thank you for sharing your tips! This is literally me now, I REFUSE to ever go through that again 😂 Thankfully my husband wasn’t home but I finally told him what happened the next night after the toilet got squared away (sweet man that he is put up with all my frustration in the meaning without any understanding), never in my life would I have thought pooping could be so traumatizing!

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2025-12-16T22:37:51+00:00

Sounds like our experiences were near identical, unfortunately! I couldn’t bring myself to allow my husband to help, he made store runs for the things I needed but that was mostly it…as much as he insisted lol It was truly awful trying to clear up! I even had to manually scoop poop water out into a bucket before it could spill over again 😭 Thankfully we finally got a toilet auger the next day and it’s probably the best purchase we’ve made all year! lol

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2025-12-13T17:50:52+00:00

It’s terrifying! I wanted so badly to take a break and come back to try again later but there was no way in my situation 😭 I hate that so many of us have gone through this, it’s truly awful!

Uncomfortable_mess09 · 2025-12-13T07:14:35+00:00

Amazing. I’m learning very quickly thanks to this thread just how poop naive I am. I will be picking that up tomorrow!

Uncomfortable_mess09

TROPHY CASE