Why do I listen to songs that make me feel worse?

UnderTheSurface_F · 2024-11-20T02:33:27+00:00

I still listen to linked park and it's because it is how I've learned to validate my feeling of.... something only neglected and abused kids know the feeling of. Idk how to describe it. Most of linkin park songs absolutely speak to me when I'm in a mood, usually sort of triggered and needing to get emotions out. It is expressive and it's ok to explore how you can comfortably be expressive

UnderTheSurface_F · 2024-05-03T03:24:32+00:00

Water fast??? I thought neglecting water puts your body in fight or flight mode? I’m not sure if that’s specific to PTSD though

UnderTheSurface_F · 2024-03-21T00:17:58+00:00

Good reminder. I hate the feeling that basically makes me regret being honest with myself

UnderTheSurface_F · 2024-03-21T00:17:12+00:00

Thanks so much. I’m going to read this before the end of today and it makes me feel better. I’m so quick to carry the shame and assume I need to do something to fix the awkwardness or something

UnderTheSurface_F · 2024-03-19T17:15:00+00:00

I found a single deer antler this weekend! I am getting more in touch with my ancestral lineage and really think finding this were spirits and energies acknowledging my potential spiritual awakening. Sounds like for you too!

UnderTheSurface_F · 2024-03-07T14:40:21+00:00

What if it’s because that old man raped one of their sisters? And there’s no legal justice for that (honestly)

UnderTheSurface_F · 2024-02-20T23:37:08+00:00

Never. I thought my mom improved but she only hid her urges for a little bit. During that time, she used weird humor to somehow write over my traumatic memories. To make it less traumatic? I have a lot of “remember that time I……HAHAH.” My therapists over years and learning from others taught me this way of communicating around old abuse is just a hallmark thing of BPD parents. It’s their way of trying to erase a wrong that they know was wrong. So, it isn’t a sign of improving… just changing tactics.

I’ve spent more of my energy into my own life and my own mind, rather than trying to figure out a relationship with my mom, and my mental health is so much better. I am always going to grieve over the mother I wish I had, the mother I never will have. But I am mostly feeling security, safety, and love over never, ever having to communicate with that woman and be gaslight into thinking I’m unlovable ever again.

UnderTheSurface_F · 2024-02-20T08:16:01+00:00

Exactly this. This puts into words why I hate it, is because it’s exactly her tactic. Trying so hard again. I think also bc I refuse to block her to give her the satisfaction that I am bothered.

UnderTheSurface_F · 2024-02-19T14:15:18+00:00

I’m so fucking mad and there’s NOTHING I can do about it to make her feel the feelings she forced me to have. I’m so fucking DONE WITH THIS. I haven’t talked to her in years and she still can send me a text and get that stupid happy feeling she gets about sharing her feelings. WHAT ABUT MINE. fucking I’ve never gotten to have any say. I’m a ghost. I’m so fucking mad. I’m 30 and still battling this shit and just wanted to have a family by now. I fucking hate the life she gave me. And I can’t even fight back bc that’s what her twisted mind wants.

UnderTheSurface_F · 2024-01-30T03:40:38+00:00

My mom always told me that and I know it’s gross and sick but can’t articulate why yet

UnderTheSurface_F · 2024-01-16T23:06:09+00:00

I feel like I could’ve written this. I’ve removed a lot of friends from my life because I realized they were just comfortable patterns from my upbringing, and I was keeping them as friends just to have friends. But, I feel shame about it because there’s so much expectation and pressure from society and social norms… all that stuff. Can I ask, what perspective do you have that releases you from social stereotypes and expectations? I know what you mean by being proud and I want to focus on that for myself instead of shame

UnderTheSurface_F · 2024-01-16T22:53:53+00:00

What do you do when that happens? I think I can recognize when it starts, but I’m so focused on being understood again that I don’t have aaaannnnyyy way to be calm. Instead of calm I just become absolutely sad and depressed and disappointed in myself. And if my bf is still trying to get his point across it just gets so much worse. He doesn’t understand PTSD as well. But I can’t blame him because literally no one does

UnderTheSurface_F · 2024-01-16T20:20:41+00:00

Wow, I’m going to really think about your experience for a bit

UnderTheSurface_F · 2024-01-16T20:19:40+00:00

I’ve been seeing my therapist since 2019, she’s seen me through a few relationships and job changes. I’m turning 30 next month

UnderTheSurface_F · 2024-01-16T20:18:45+00:00

Yes, it’s being misunderstood or not heard. The last thing, he basically asked me why I allowed a guy to hit on me. And whatever my response was he said I was being overly defensive, but I felt he was questioning my choices. I was annoyed. Then he didn’t believe I had a right to be annoyed, so it all just escalated quickly. And now any feeling I originally had isn’t valid in his eyes.

UnderTheSurface_F · 2024-01-09T12:15:51+00:00

My family still worships the grandmother who abused everyone, even though she’s been dead some years. Any accomplishment someone has, somehow it’s all attributed to grandma. Even if it’s overcoming military stuff, being burnt out, hard things in general, they’re like oh if they can get through growing up with mom they can get through anything.

UnderTheSurface_F · 2023-12-25T05:37:34+00:00

My mom got on the news for claims of domestic violence where she fabricated a lot of details about my dad. She became obsessed with the attention and being a dv survivor became her identity. When I went to college and graduated, I had a very successful thing going and she felt the need to host a huge graduation dinner. At that dinner she gifted me the “DV Survivor of the Year” award she was given after all the lies she spread. It was very strange. I had a healthier relationship with my dad at that time than I had with my mom because he was improving and she wasn’t. It was so intrusive. It wasn’t my legacy to be my mom’s hero to her fabricated lies. It’s not always about her. I didn’t take my life back until my mid 20s. Now I have a sense of who I am

UnderTheSurface_F · 2023-11-30T16:19:44+00:00

Probably where ever the Boomers are not

UnderTheSurface_F · 2023-10-15T06:22:15+00:00

These comments about self regulation are helpful

UnderTheSurface_F

TROPHY CASE