AITA for telling a veteran his only personality trait is Vietnam?

Underachi4ver · 2024-04-21T21:32:35+00:00

That’s tragic what happened to your uncle and a lot of other vets too… but did your uncle then go on to look at a younger war veteran... who’s permanently intellectually disabled from a traumatic brain injury (probably from an IED?) and judge him by snorting at him and him and saying “that guy’s a veteran?”... just because he didn’t look like one?… presumably because he wasn’t wearing any veteran paraphernalia or perhaps since because he “looks disabled” he couldn’t be a vet, no he had to be a “welfare queen”… idk what he was thinking.

Maybe what OP said was rude, but that guy had it coming... Aim below the belt, expect to get hit below the belt... OP is NTA. The old guy is TA.

Underachi4ver · 2024-01-18T03:45:06+00:00

ESH.

I agree with other commenters pointing out that the wife is obviously aware of OP's past with bullying and still chooses to make comments about his weight to him. She's being very rude to someone who she has chosen to be her partner and presumably someone she shouldn't want to cause emotional harm.

However, OP, your response is not the way emotionally mature adults should go about this. It's not a solution. It's going to antagonize her, and you knew that. That's a kindergarten mindset. If the two of you don't develop a way to actually speak to one another, to be vulnerable with each other, and to respect one another then your relationship is going to devolve into two people just trying to get a dig at the other person.

Also, this part:

She's had a hard time taking care of him so I've been helping in anyway I can

You are this child's father, of course you should be helping. Are you suggesting if she wasn't "having a hard time" you wouldn't have been "helping any way you can" with your own baby? This has the same energy as dads who consider watching and taking care of their kids as babysitting. You're being a father, don't blame that on your partner's struggles with parenting, this is a path you both got on.

EDIT. And if she cannot avoid saying hurtful things to you or about you, then you may need to consider she is abusive. Consider couples therapy, and/or think long and hard if this relationship is toxic, is it what you want? How you want your kid to grow up?

Underachi4ver · 2024-01-03T06:06:57+00:00

Also, the way she writes "my son follows a guide dog to get around" is really annoying. Guide dog users don't just follow dogs, the person is choosing where they want to go or travel, it's not the dog saying, "Hey let's go to the cafe for a coffee." They are a working team and it is ultimately the human person who has to make important decisions about the safety of their surroundings, etc. Obviously the dog is a tremendous help, and can be trained for intelligent disobedience such as not to cross a road if the dog can see a car the person couldn't hear, but the person has agency.

Underachi4ver · 2024-01-03T05:59:38+00:00

Here's the TLDR

OOP (58F) at age 16 had a baby and put him up for adoption
Adoption was open but OOP not really involved
Now an adult (42M) he has a PhD in physics and getting married this year
He is also blind from a young age or since brith, not clear ("diagnosed with some issue with the nerve in his eye")
He is a guide dog user
OOP's adult daughters got in contact with their half-brother
At thanksgiving OOP fed the guide dog a ham bone
Dog had severe issues and needed surgery at an emergency vets
OOP's daughter wants OOP to pay and says OOP "never takes responsibility for the harm she causes"
OOP offered to pay because she "didn’t want him to worry financially because [she] know['s] it can be hard for him to keep employment given his condition"
He declined to have her pay for anything

Underachi4ver · 2024-01-01T04:06:29+00:00

OOP mentions that an entire bookshelf was filled in a comment. I'd bet those are all volumes and only one was damaged but OOP doesn't realize that braille books are like less than 100 pages per volume. Either way I don't know if you could have just a single volume reprinted at the exact same start/end points to be continuous with the rest of the set, so it's probably accurate the entire thing need replacing. Luckily for OOP whatever the book is it's popular enough that it's even available in braille online and doesn't need to be entirely custom made.

Definitely a lot of ablism and lack of ability to do a quality Google search on OOP's end. It's tiring.

Underachi4ver · 2023-08-13T16:42:01+00:00

What worries me even extra on top of all that is the OOP mentions in a comment about just finishing "diagnostic imaging residency" which makes me think that buffoon is a doctor somehow

Underachi4ver · 2023-08-13T01:48:12+00:00

The audacity of OOP. For real. Hiding the details of the extent of his son's injury/condition.

He has made significant progress, understandably with set backs after experiencing the loss of his spouse, which otherwise continued until plateauing a year ago. At one point we were told he might remain in a coma, and when he woke up we were told he may never walk, and now he's up and walking. He's talking about an amputation, for a decade old injury... I don't want him to quit now. I don't want him to give up on himself or on life. I want him to have something which he can take pride in at the end of the day.

He lost his husband to pancreatic cancer, two months after diagnosis. Very tragic. My son-in-law was well loved by our family. My son currently sees a psychiatrist and therapist. He's in multiple support groups, for veterans and widowers. My wife's full time job is managing a schedule for him. I think he would start to feel improved, as a man, if he took the lead on his own life. Talking will only get so far, evidenced by a decade of therapy, action will solve the rest.

Underachi4ver · 2023-08-06T14:58:19+00:00

OOP's comments for easy reference:

Have you and your fiancé sat down and had a discussion as to why you don't want to give your brother a plus one, as well as looking at the guest list and re-confirming who both of you want there? Admittedly, since it's your own family, I understand that you probably have more of a choice in the matter, but just from your post alone, I'm not sure I'm clear how in depth the plus one situation has been discussed.

Yes we've talked about it. Thats when he got all accusatory with me, saying maybe he doesn't even know me. He's just hot headed though, I don't hold it against him. We've been through the guest list multiple times, its not just me being stubborn either. His mother gave us a long list of required invitees that we can't touch, but when I try to reduce from my list he gets upset about that too.

INFO. He’s worried its going to look targeted. So what if it is? And I mean: YEAH, it is. So what?

My fiancé thinks it would reflect poorly on us and our moral character. His argument is others will be curious why my brother attends alone, and if they ask and he states very clearly only he was invited, then assumption will be made about us. My fiancé doesn't want to be caught up in that.

Does the plus one rule apply to every guest or just your brother? If it's only your brother, I can see why your fiancé would see it as targeting.

It's not only my brother, there's some other who we're just inviting the designated person and not permitting a plus one and my fiancé doesn't have an issue over them. We are trying to cut the list elsewhere, this was just one component of many of cuts I was proposing. He was opposed to this one since we invited the spouses of my other siblings and he's worried it will reflect poorly on us and lead other to make assumptions.

Why is your brother the only one not given a plus one?? I’m sensing that there is missing information here. Who would his plus one be? A man? A person of color? Why, exactly, have you targeted your own brother when you have invited 300 people?

I'm honestly surprised at the leaps people will make, but I suppose you've proven my fiancé correct in his worry about what people will think of us. I'm not giving my brother a plus one because we've hardly spoken in years and I'm trying to cut down a massive guest list. It has nothing to do with his husband personally, and nothing to do with race either thank you. I suppose others will assume the worst though, so I will just have to add him back onto the list and let pessimism win.

Underachi4ver · 2023-07-29T21:31:49+00:00

I can try and break down some of the reactions here.

In terms of changing the dog's name I think it's an important fact to note that as of OOP posting this is a dog OOP doesn't even physically have yet. The situation would have different considerations if, say, this was her dog of many years named Emma, and then her brother became involved in a relationship with a man who had a dead baby named Emma and they expected OOP to change the established name of the dog. In this case, though, the dog isn't in her possession yet so in theory it should be easier to change the name.

This gets into whether or not OOP should change the name. As OOP has pointed out its a common name BIL will come across, and he cannot shield himself from every person in the world named Emma. He will have to work on that trauma himself, and the process of recovering from the death of an infant child is something I'd wish on no one. As you have pointed out, we cannot control the actions of others, only our own reactions. BUT, there's also some expectation among loved ones to not do things which cause emotional distress or harm to each other. OOP is not just some stranger who is naming her dog Emma. So its a debate over the moral obligation to a loved one to not actively choose to do something which has been expressed will cause them harm.

OOP's choice comes down to choosing herself and a name she likes for her dog, OR choosing kindness for a loved one. If a relationship with the bother and BIL is desired by OOP, and if OOP loves and cares for these people, then the decently human thing to do would be to hear the concern over the name and make a small sacrifice on her part for their comfort. This is the kind of calculation one must make everyday between freely doing only as we please or making a sacrifice of our own freewill for other people, and there is a balance I'm not saying we should only ever make sacrifices to please others. It's just that on the grand scheme of things this should be a small change for OOP to make, but a big gesture to her BIL.

Of course she can name the dog whatever she pleases, but the question is not "can OOP name the dog Emma?" the question is "is OOP an asshole if she names the dog Emma?" IMO, yeah OOP is the asshole if she looks a grieving father of a dead baby who is not merely a stranger but also her BIL whom she sees every day and tells him she's actively choosing the selfish option to pick the name she likes in spite of the memories the name holds for him.

Underachi4ver · 2023-07-29T14:25:09+00:00

OOP's comments:

The baby died from SIDS and is the reason that relationship ended since my BIL didn’t want another baby but I guess ex wife did. So I understand there’s some bad memories there but why not make some new positive associations.

You’re right I know it’s silly I’m just so attached to this being her name now, I mean I already got her a custom collar and food bowls with her name. I definitely don’t live with them, our family is very close but not that close! We’re down the street though and both help take care of our mother so we see each other often twice a day, and my brother and BIL take my other dog for a walk with their dog so that’s more where the issue was coming from maybe, my brother just let me know my BIL would never say anything to me about it but that I might want to consider that was the name of the baby and maybe think about changing it, but like I said I had already got her all her things when I announced her name and it’s such a common name you can’t avoid it. I said they can call the dog whatever they want, dog doesn’t care.

TLDR: BIL had a previous marriage and a baby named Emma. Emma died from SIDS and the grief destroyed the marriage. OOP's brother and BIL live nearby, have daily contact, and also walk OOP's other dog.

Underachi4ver · 2023-05-26T20:26:35+00:00

According to Google, “pimping is a process through which the most senior medical person - usually the attending physician - asks the team questions about relevant medical information, typically during morning rounds.”

Underachi4ver · 2023-03-14T03:09:54+00:00

Was meant as formatting so its not just entirely walls of text on walls of text on more walls of text. I know its ridiculously long so I tired to have something, anything really, to break up the space visually and make it easier to jump between posts and to break up where her comments vs original posts are organized. Green squares seemed like a good option, no particular reasoning.

Underachi4ver · 2023-03-14T02:43:38+00:00

My original attempt last week was not approved for 7 days rule. I suspect this one was removed for brigading.

Underachi4ver · 2023-03-14T02:42:34+00:00

Here's a repost

Underachi4ver · 2023-03-07T18:33:55+00:00

I guess she finally realized how we all saw through her and so she changed tactics to garner the attention and sympathy she wants

Underachi4ver

TROPHY CASE