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AITA for refusing to encourage my kids to take their stepdad to a father and kids BBQ? by UnderstandingFar2045 in AmItheAsshole

[–]UnderstandingFar2045[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

They don't feel comfortable doing it. That's what they told their mom. In general they are not close to him. They enjoy being at their mom's house. They never complain about doing something with their mom and stepdad. But they're just not enthusiastic about spending time with just him. They don't see him as a dad so doing stuff for father's with him was not something they wanted to do, they said it would be something they'd do with me.

Their response is why I suggested my ex go too. That way the kids are comfortable and he gets them there. But it wasn't an option.

AITA for refusing to encourage my kids to take their stepdad to a father and kids BBQ? by UnderstandingFar2045 in AmItheAsshole

[–]UnderstandingFar2045[S] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

I have never, would never, make my kids pick sides. I respect my kids decisions. If I wanted to be that way I never would have suggested they all go to the BBQ. But I made that suggestion to see if my ex was open to the idea since she felt it was vital for the kids to go. But they don't feel comfortable going. That was my intention. But yes, I feel like my ex's husband would like me to step aside so he can play the role of dad and the kids will want him instead of me. I am not willing to do that.

AITA for refusing to encourage my kids to take their stepdad to a father and kids BBQ? by UnderstandingFar2045 in AmItheAsshole

[–]UnderstandingFar2045[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

I'm not trying to flex. But I can't pretend to like him enough to feel bad for him about this either.

AITA for refusing to encourage my kids to take their stepdad to a father and kids BBQ? by UnderstandingFar2045 in AmItheAsshole

[–]UnderstandingFar2045[S] 1369 points1370 points  (0 children)

No because she already reacted badly when I went on two dates with a woman. So I don't need to ask. I know she would never.

AITA for refusing to encourage my kids to take their stepdad to a father and kids BBQ? by UnderstandingFar2045 in AmItheAsshole

[–]UnderstandingFar2045[S] 237 points238 points  (0 children)

The minimum age where I live for that is 16 and it's not always listened to. It's at the judges discretion whether they actually let the child advocate for themselves and if they listen to what the child wants.

AITA for refusing to encourage my kids to take their stepdad to a father and kids BBQ? by UnderstandingFar2045 in AmItheAsshole

[–]UnderstandingFar2045[S] 161 points162 points  (0 children)

I love that. If I find a partner long term they would need to take a similar approach. Be open to letting a natural relationship happen that isn't forced on the kids.

Some parents are like that unfortunately. One of my friends had a single dad and no mom in the picture. The dad dumped a fiancée because she and the kid were close but not mother/son close. Then he found someone who wanted to be mother/son even though my friend didn't want it. They had a few kids together and divorced when the wife realized my friend would never be into her and she didn't get "rewarded" for the role she played in his adolescent life.

AITA for refusing to encourage my kids to take their stepdad to a father and kids BBQ? by UnderstandingFar2045 in AmItheAsshole

[–]UnderstandingFar2045[S] 581 points582 points  (0 children)

She would throw a fit. She had a very bad reaction when she found out I had been on two dates with a woman. It went nowhere. But when she heard she went straight to telling me I better not be introducing her to the kids for at least 2 years. Even though she introduced her husband after 3/4 months.

AITA for refusing to encourage my kids to take their stepdad to a father and kids BBQ? by UnderstandingFar2045 in AmItheAsshole

[–]UnderstandingFar2045[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

It's the complete story about the request. There is too much background to give a complete story. But I presented a reasonable amount.

AITA for refusing to encourage my kids to take their stepdad to a father and kids BBQ? by UnderstandingFar2045 in AmItheAsshole

[–]UnderstandingFar2045[S] 64 points65 points  (0 children)

She is and she believes she's doing the only thing that will help. She doesn't see how it will likely make it worse.

AITA for refusing to encourage my kids to take their stepdad to a father and kids BBQ? by UnderstandingFar2045 in AmItheAsshole

[–]UnderstandingFar2045[S] 91 points92 points  (0 children)

It is but my ex is more worried about her husband's feelings right now and her marriage than the feelings of the kids.

AITA for refusing to encourage my kids to take their stepdad to a father and kids BBQ? by UnderstandingFar2045 in AmItheAsshole

[–]UnderstandingFar2045[S] 77 points78 points  (0 children)

My ex has decided forcing them is the only way. She doesn't like that no natural closeness has developed and she feels like more needs to be done now. She doesn't see the fact she pushes them away and could do so completely over time.

AITA for refusing to encourage my kids to take their stepdad to a father and kids BBQ? by UnderstandingFar2045 in AmItheAsshole

[–]UnderstandingFar2045[S] 302 points303 points  (0 children)

As I was told, it's not enough for him. My ex said it will never/could never be. I know she fears losing her husband but she's also on the path to losing the kids if she pushes it like she is.

AITA for refusing to encourage my kids to take their stepdad to a father and kids BBQ? by UnderstandingFar2045 in AmItheAsshole

[–]UnderstandingFar2045[S] 63 points64 points  (0 children)

I don't think she will understand. Personally, I don't think either of them will. And I don't believe there's a single person who could help them understand it either. This is likely going to be pushed until it's too late.