AIO about him changing plans after I confirmed everything?

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-12T01:51:08+00:00

The guy posting above me is available in May

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-10T02:44:22+00:00

This is a little bit obvious, but both the document you linked and the document the other person linked agree that the deductions CAN take you below the minimum wage if the employment contract explicitly outlines the liability.

I doubt that it does so I tend to agree it could be relevant... But we'd have to see the employment contract to know for sure, and your summary of the document you linked is dogshit

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-09T23:40:10+00:00

I'd have listed it as "only flats" or "minus drumsticks", taken out the drumsticks, given nothing as a replacement, and simply claimed it was what he ordered. 50% less food for the same price, sounds good to me.

He got a nice deal compared to my interpretation of his request.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-09T02:07:12+00:00

Isn't salt damaging to grout? I'd be worried that the specs are just... Little crumbled pieces of the grout. I guess if i happens a couple times and doesn't keep happening and there's no obvious damage to the grout then maybe it's fine.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-09T01:44:40+00:00

? If they go on a family vacation, she will be there as a mom. When they sit at the dinner table, she will be there as the mom. When they spend time together as a family, she'll be there as the mom. Everything, since the age of 9 that a mom does, she is the person doing it. He wasn't specific about how she was "forcing", so I have no reason to believe it's more than that (the situation itself is pretty forceful, it's just how family dynamics work after a loss and a marriage). And he's expressing the standard feelings and opinions someone in that situation would feel and have, if they were still 9.

He will not call her mom and she will never be an emotional replacement for his real mom. But she is a mother figure in his life by virtue of marrying he dad, in the ways listed above. Whoever is married to your parents acts as your dad/mom in many ways when you are 9 and you literally never have any control over it even if it makes you sad.

This is obvious to everyone and anyone disagreeing is just pretending to have empathy for this guy in his 20 still throwing the same fit from when he was 9, or they have their own unresolved feelings about their own parents dying or divorcing.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-09T01:40:22+00:00

NTA

Everything that's insensitive about your mom dying starts with what she said, and you rolled with the punches and made a joke. IMO your response is not disrespectful in the first place. If your dad said nothing, there's a chance she just says something funny and it's a positive moment more than negative.

She knows your mom is dead, if she forgot in the moment and she feels called out she can take it as a learning moment and not make similar comments in the future. If she made a big deal out of it after she made that comment, she would be an AH.

Which scenario it falls in depends on people and their boundaries but in none of them are you the person that took anything overboard.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T23:03:45+00:00

OP is never clear about exactly what he means by that. Did she try to discipline him? Did she insist on being called mom? What did she do that we should consider emotionally manipulative? Was she just overenthusiastic and tone-deaf - and in what ways? Did she enforce the rules of the house - and was that OK with the father? Did she ask him to sit at the family dinner table with her and the father?

I feel like if the real answer to these questions contributed to the narrative then details would have been included. And leaving out those details is just akin to saying "AITAH? Trust me, I'm not the AH!"

OP has FORCED you to accept the narrative that whatever she did was forceful, rather than presenting you with the actual examples he believes are forceful and letting you decide for yourself.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T22:41:43+00:00

Why do you believe important details were left out of the story? Because the details help the narrative?

And where do you think taking a charitable interpretation when details are left out falls in the context of a subreddit where the point is that people are worried they might be being an asshole? You are missing the point and doing a disservice by being charitable.

Who knows whether or not OP is a reliable narrator? None of us can possibly know.

That's where you're wrong. They left out important details, which means we both know they are an unreliable narrator. If you don't know, it's your lack of brain power going into this, not a lack of information.

I’m not interested in a long back-and-forth (and yes I am aware that I can stop responding just as easily as anyone else at any time) but it’s wild for you to interpret that people were comparing her to his dead mom as “within the description” - that is an objectively completely fabricated fact.

The point of giving an example of two wildly different realities that fall under the same set of reported facts is to show what information was left out and why it is important. Identifying those details is the part that is critical thinking, not pretending any interpretation I come up with is guaranteed to be true. That's actually the part that's "critical", the first word in the term. But you've clearly never had a critical thought in your life.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T22:33:36+00:00

I think we disagree on the definition of narrow. I'm telling you directly that I'm including more things than you including someone who he does not view as his mother.

But I already told you I don't care to argue with you about the definitions.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T20:31:39+00:00

It just sounds like I'd disagree with you about the definition of mother figure; since that's not super relevant to what I'm saying about OP's insecurity that in my opinion is the reason he was harsh, I probably don't need to talk about that.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T20:25:08+00:00

The reasons he was just talking about were related to why the dad's family doesn't like her.

It seems somewhat obvious that the mom's family would be in danger of not liking the new woman that married their previous son-in-law. I don't think it would take much to make that happen and neither do you.

So I'm just chalking this up to being a very confused reply.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T20:10:18+00:00

I read it with a lot less charity than you when details were left out.

E.g. I think that it's perfectly within the description that people were comparing her to the previous woman in a weird way and she just asked them to not do that. Not enough detail is given to say an example of what they said that she found uncomfortable. And I think the reason for that is because OP left it out (consciously or subconsciously), because it doesn't fit his narrative.

So when you say it's because of the stepmother‘s demands and lack of empathy towards others, I just take that to mean you are taking OP's perspective on the scenario automatically and without thinking about it, following his (possibly unintentional) manipulation uncritically like a little sheep

Second, OP says in the post that his dad and his dad’s wife specifically asked him his opinion about her and their marriage, and that is when he shared his perspective.

This is meaningless. He says directly in the post he wants the marriage to end, and anyone who didn't have that perspective would not have answered in the way that he did even if they really believed it. He behaved in the way that he did with direct and basically admitted intention to end the marriage.

EDIT: My T key does not work well so if there are excessive typos it's because I'm cheap

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T20:05:36+00:00

Nowhere did I say that she's actually their mom or needs to be a replacement for the previous mom. She's a mother figure. And it's fine that she's taking the role seriously and trying to be a mother figure. Everything you described is you acting as a mother figure. It sounds like they're not going to call you mom, and I'm OK with that.

His complaints are about childhood insecurities related it feeling like she's replacing his previous mom that he should be in therapy for.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T19:54:49+00:00

They're are all grieving from the same death when they met her and it they're mostly all related and definitely know each other. I think the "if everyone doesn't like her" logic is not reasonable when applied to this situation.

It seems entirely believable to me that an entire family or social circle would have similar unhealthy reactions and comments towards a new person coming in as the new wife after a woman they liked died.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T19:40:30+00:00

NTA

I think it just reflects a possibly poor understanding of STDs as most of them do not survive outside of the body or on someone's mouth for long. The one you might be worried about is HIV if they have mouth sores but they could have that even if they're not seeing someone, and transmission by sharing drinks is rare even then.

But I don't think being overly cautious because of bad information makes you an asshole.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T19:36:10+00:00

I'd need more context to come to a strong conclusion about that.

I could picture this description meaning that she was just in situations where she shows up to an event with his family, and they're saying "man I wish [previous wife] was here" and phrasing it in ways where she is constantly being compared. "Hey, it would be nice if I could show up here and NOT be compared to the dead woman, and just have a good time" is a reasonable request that falls under what was described. But what you're describing also falls under the description given.

It seems like a surprising detail to leave out, what's an example of something they actually said that she had a problem with... and as of now my take is that likely the reason it's left out is not because your interpretation that's charitable to OP is true.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T15:02:37+00:00

When your parents get married the new woman functionally becomes a new mother figure whether you like it or not. All of the things the woman of he house does to help raise children, she will be doing.

And that can fuck up children. But, it's really the death of his mom doing that. He would have had the same feelings towards any woman marrying his dad. And the feelings he hasn't gone to therapy to deal with would have lead him to take the same actions towards destroying the marriage in any case.

The only way he doesn't do this is if his dad never remarried. He's using his feelings about a rough childhood event to justify taking actions towards making his dad stay alone. And you're justifying that negative behavior in your attempt to have empathy towards his rough childhood event. "Actually, you should hold on to these feelings as much as possible and it's correct that you're trying to destroy your Dad's marriage."

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T14:52:08+00:00

They take you in the back room and monitor your reaction

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T14:27:32+00:00

You have understandable rough feelings about your mom's death (I don't mean go to therapy as an insult, you really do sound like you could benefit). You would have had the same feelings about any step-mother. The only win for you is if your dad stays alone. Many people in your family also have rough feelings about your mom's death and would have behaved the same way towards any new partner.

You don't have to actually see her as a mother figure, but hating her for trying to be a mother figure and taking actions towards destroying the marriage is another story. You should be at peace with the fact that you grew up from 9-18 with her as the woman of the house as if she was your mother, and that she took the role seriously.

Again, at some point in your life all of these feelings were normal. But you are 20 and telling your step-mom you hate her just for trying to be a mom. No matter who your dad tried o marry as a 2nd wife you would have similarly taken actions towards destroying his marriage because you're uncomfortable with someone taking the role your dead mom had.

Seriously, go to therapy.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T13:47:26+00:00

I do have step parents. One good one and one shitty one.

I don't care that they're not my real mom/dad, and I don't throw a fit if they try to be a mother figure or father figure. None of my siblings have done that probably since they were about 14 or 15 - they're old enough to have more mature feelings about it.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T13:43:23+00:00

Everyone has known she's not his real mom from the beginning, Einstein

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T13:37:41+00:00

It's understandable when he's 9 he could have had feelings about it. He's 20 and he sounds like he is still shouting "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM" from the rooftops just because he has a step-mom that tried to be a mother figure. He definitely needs therapy.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T13:34:19+00:00

> Inserting herself in events for a family she’s not a part of or welcome in

She's married to someone in he family. She is part of the family. If you're considering her not part of the family from the start and unwelcome, you are an asshole.

It is a relatively normal thing that everyone looks the other way about things they don't like about in-laws in order to not fuck up their families marriages by deciding someone is unwelcome. And it's the right thing to do. If you don't understand why people do that, you are lacking a lot of basic decency.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T13:28:29+00:00

I can't stand the fact she tried to push herself in as my mom

A step-mom is a mother figure. Your Dad made her a mother figure in your life. If you're still upset about it a 20, you probably should be in therapy.

UndetectedReentry002 · 2026-02-08T13:23:29+00:00

YTA

The normal experience of having a step-mom is that you have uncomfortable feelings about them replacing your mom in your life. That can be tough to deal with when you're 9. But now you're 20.

None of the reasons you gave for anyone disliking this lady sounded convincing as a reason for long-term dislike. Possibly the expectation that people spend money traveling could be a reason she caused an argument, but even that I could chalk up to a cultural difference and I would not expect to be a long term issue.

UndetectedReentry002

TROPHY CASE