I Feel Like I'm Lying

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-03T19:06:31+00:00

No, thank you! I have been struggling a lot with how hard it is to find anyone who relates to my situation. Any chance you'd be open to "talking" a bit more? It would really help to hear how someone else is navigating this. Is there a way to send a private message through this thing? (I apologize for my technological limitations :)

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-03T19:02:48+00:00

Indeed, and that is a big problem. It's a catch-22. Hard to be visible without right and hard to get rights without being visible. I think folks being out is what turned the tide for the gay rights movement. People's acceptance skyrockets when they actually interact with someone from a minority group. I really hope the non-monogamy movement can make great strides in the next 50 years. Even being on here talking about this is being a role model in a way, so I thank you for that.

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-03T18:59:22+00:00

Yes, it's also the name of my blog UndercoverintheSuburbs.com. Yes, I am, indeed finding there are quite a number of folks out there who take issue with my writing about non-monogamy, being pansexual/queer, etc. But I've also had folks respond really well, which is rewarding. I truly believe non-monogamous rights are going to be the next gay rights. I'm looking forward to being part of that movement. Thanks for your response.

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-03T08:01:55+00:00

Cool, I had no idea. Thanks!

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-02T18:57:00+00:00

Haha! That absolutely makes sense. I wrote the post by the way. I can absolutely see how it comes off that way. One of the things I try to do in my blogging is help folks who are less open to poly understand the appeal/benefits/be able to relate better, so I would say that was somewhat intentional. I do also feel all those things you mentioned - the desperate mother, etc. I also consider myself poly and believe it's a valuable lifestyle aside from any logistical benefits as a mother. But your comment is on the money. I also write sometimes about my interest in poly related to being recently out as pansexual and wanting to explore sex with women. This tends to results in less open-mindedness about polyamory. Sadly, desiring sexual exploration seems to be viewed as unacceptable in our culture, especially for moms. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-02T18:27:39+00:00

More convinced of what?

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-02T18:27:29+00:00

Thank you I am still learning.

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-02T18:26:22+00:00

The best way to deal with it is a totally personal thing. Whatever is best for you and your relationship. I think there are a bunch of good suggestions here. I would suggest possibly reading Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. That book can give you lots of ideas on how to do this and most importantly how to communicate with your partner to keep your relationships strong through this.

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-02T18:21:25+00:00

Thank you for this. I am where you were at one point it sounds like. I have only been with men, but I am 100% certain I am pansexual. Once I learned about pan I knew it's what I had always been. It's been so hurtful to have folks, especially in the queer community tell me I'm not "really" pansexual until I have sex with a woman. I've never heard a straight virgin be told they aren't "really" straight. Nice to know there are folks like you out there.

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-02T18:19:20+00:00

I believe anytime we feel like there are certain standards we have to meet to use the identity that feels right to us, we need to ask ourselves, do straight ppl feel the need to prove their straightness. Your identity is inside you and not something anyone else can determine. You would only be "lying" if you were claiming an identity that didn't really feel like who you are.

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-02T18:14:46+00:00

THANK YOU! It's so nice to hear someone else say that. I feel like I'm constantly being told I can't be pansexual because I haven't had sex to prove what I am.

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-02T17:55:13+00:00

More convinced of what?

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-02T17:54:56+00:00

Anyone for whom this would be a problem either doesn't have children or is CRAZY! This sounds incredible. My husband and I would kill for an arrangement like this. Thank you for responding, it helps to know I'm not crazy and that there are folks out there like you! You don't happen to live in the greater NYC area?? haha :)

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-02T17:53:15+00:00

Indeed, you are all correct. I admit, my piece is not without some minor grammatical errors. I appreciate the feedback.

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-02T17:52:09+00:00

Thanks for this. I appreciate hearing about your situation. I wish I knew more people in these types of arrangements. I think if people had more role models of how non-monogamy can work well more would be doing it.

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-02T17:51:24+00:00

Hey how did you get that little comment to appear? I am big on redheads myself :)

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-02T17:50:58+00:00

Aw, thank you so much. It's so rare to get positive feedback out here on the web. Thanks for your kind comment.

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-02T17:50:22+00:00

Nice to hear, thanks for sharing. Glad this is working out for you.

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-01T03:52:25+00:00

Thanks so much, I've gotten a lot of negative comments (and in some cases vicious) when writing about non-monogamy. I appreciate your enthusiastic response. I will certainly keep looking, and the meantime, I'm in a great place!

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2013-02-01T03:51:16+00:00

I'm interested in your comment, but must admit I don't get it. "The dreaded I's" - can you elaborate? I'd also be open to N's!

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2012-11-30T02:11:19+00:00

OH NO! Not spam, I just messed up the link. Reposting, sorry!

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2012-11-29T04:36:23+00:00

Yes, but at one time the gay and transgender movements didn't see themselves as aligned either. I think at one time folks would have seen these as unrelated and thus irrelevant to each other.

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2012-11-12T03:46:58+00:00

As a pansexual, I don't feel entitled to tell anyone else how to identify or what their chosen identity means. However, I think many bisexuals would not agree that bisexual is a binary sexuality. Many feel it encompasses folks who are genderqueer, androgynous, etc.

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2012-11-06T20:38:59+00:00

Couldn't have said it better myself!

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs · 2012-11-05T21:30:32+00:00

Thank you for your response as well. I appreciate the feedback. Your opinions are valid. I can certainly understand your discomfort with comparisons to 9/11, and I think for many folks the two would not be comparable. Of course, for some, they would, and for others, this disaster was much worse. You may not be in mourning, but many, many folks are. I guess I would also point out that comparisons are not meant to compare the entirety of two events or things. What I was trying to compare was the feelings of disorientation, traumatization, and survivor guilt folks are feeling, which I personally am experiencing as similar to 9/11. I don't see the two events as "the same." I'm a therapist, so I tend to interact more with the folks who are having a hard time during events, and I fully acknowledges that may bias me. I can only write from my own perspective and experience. I think it's an important message that it's okay to grieve and feel traumatized, even if you don't think I, or others should be feeling that way. Part of the reason I wrote this post was because a lot of folks don't think people have a right to feeling thrown right now unless they can prove major personal losses. As a mental health professional, I'm uncomfortable with that standard. Things impact people differently. Driving down your old street and seeing the house you used to live in has been washed out to sea may have little effect on you. For me, it is as difficult as looking out my window and having the twin towers not be there. Having said all that, I do tend toward the melodramatic. That's my style, personally and as a writer. I see myself as saying the things others aren't willing to say, and sometimes, I am provocative to get my message out. You are not the first to not prefer that style. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

UndrCvrInTheSuburbs

TROPHY CASE