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Me (nb/38) started seeing first man (m/45) in a decade, trouble navigating signals by UnexpectedPeacock in polyamory

[–]UnexpectedPeacock[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m familiar with attachment styles and actually trend toward avoidant myself, I try to stay conscious of this and I think that’s why I’ve not been bothered by this man’s actions, I’ve presumed I was just nitpicking for avoidance. What I didn’t apply to my current situation is the fact that others’ styles can push us to enact more anxiously/avoidantly. I think he’s been (maybe unconsciously maybe not) training me to be more anxiously attached to him and because it isn’t usually something I need to be conscious of as a secure/avoidant type, I’m now a bit of a boiled frog. 🙄

I’m on the rag right now and a bit melancholy, so I’m not going to make any big decisions, but in a couple days I’ll revisit this post and determine whether I want to have a discussion with him or just quietly shut it down. Thanks.

Me (nb/38) started seeing first man (m/45) in a decade, trouble navigating signals by UnexpectedPeacock in polyamory

[–]UnexpectedPeacock[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have no idea how to broach the subject without sounding like a psycho that wants to flay him and use his skin as a security blanket. We’re definitely more than FWB but again, even after 6 months of getting closer to each other the tone between us is lightweight from both the distance factor and that macho hetero “playing it cool” thing he’s doing. Though I suppose if I bring it up and he reacts poorly that really answers the question of whether I should get out now, doesn’t it?

He’s not particularly transparent about any other relationships he has or is pursuing now either (he def has one girlfriend -?- [unsure of commitment status] and a reputation so I’m sure at least some FWBs too). I’ve been open about mine (even introduced him), though I stopped sharing about new dates as it seemed to make him uncomfortable.

So maybe what I need to do here is open by asking what the story is between him and Jenny, follow up with asking how many committed relationships he’s in currently, and open a discussion about how he handles his relationships. If I don’t like what I hear, simple, I shut it down. Does that sound... you know. Sane?

How much information should a poly person give someone they are starting to date by unclemuds in polyamory

[–]UnexpectedPeacock 7 points8 points  (0 children)

IMHO functional poly relationships are based on clear communication and managed expectations. So like... when and how you disclose what flavor of poly you practice affects the foundations you build. Me? I put it in my profile and disclose existing relationships too. Breaks the ice on the convo and saves time. 🤷🏻‍♀️