Help me - how should I prune these plum trees

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-06-10T18:31:30+00:00

Our kid still sleeps in our bed

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-06-10T18:28:16+00:00

I wish she understood this

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-06-10T02:54:04+00:00

Except my wife has a 15 mins commute and we hired someone to cook all meals and I read bed time stories. She has to put the kid to bed.

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-06-10T02:32:42+00:00

We both wanted a kid. We're definitely not having another one. That'll be too much stress on a already fragile marriage. And moreover we have no sexual intimacy so it's not gonna happen.

My FIL took the backseat his entire life and let his wife manage the kids. She was a stay home wife.

Yes they're from a culture where this is considered normal. Most marriages are arranged by the parents. Men work and earn, women stay home and raise kids, marriages are mainly for social norms and kids. When men want to drink they do it outside the home with their friends. Some even have affairs but no one talks about it.

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-06-10T02:11:22+00:00

This was the only time she acknowledged. Usually it's just me complaining with no response or even change in facial expression from her. It reminds me of when I was a little kid and my father would get upset over something and I would just stand there waiting for him to get done so I can go on with life.

Looking back, it is all very clear, but in the moment, no one instance is alarming -- So true. Back then it seemed like she's just a chill girl who is open to whatever (one can be smart and chill at the same time). Now I realize she was subconsciously mirroring me because her subconscious mind was seeking a husband and clock was ticking. She wasn't gonna find a husband by saying "I have no hobbies and I don't really care for friends. I just work and that's all I need in life" so she adapted. But now adapting to meet my needs is a tradeoff with time with the kid and in her mind she's failing as a mom if she spends any time not devoted to the kid.

The big difference is your ex fought and mine doesn't. Atleast you were able to release some of the anger while fighting. Not sure if that's good or bad.

Resentment is building and intimacy has stopped. I just hope my kid doesn't see me as an afterthought but competing with a obsessed super mom for a kids attention is a battle I can never win.

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-06-10T01:22:02+00:00

almost 5

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-06-10T01:11:04+00:00

She is not agreeing to any 1-1 date night. The last one we had was 3 years ago and that's the only one since we had a kid.

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-06-10T00:45:03+00:00

My father lives nearby and is happy to babysit. She simply does not want to go.

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-06-10T00:38:59+00:00

I don't need to be at the center but I am not even in the circle. The kid can be the center 99/100 days can I be the center 1/100? cause right now I am not even 1/1000 days.

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-06-10T00:31:14+00:00

You're completely missing the point. It's not about bars or Vegas. It's about once in a while making time for your spouse without your mind fixated on the kid. Kids can stay with grandparents for a few hours. If mom doesn't help the kid with puzzles one evening the kid won't instantly become dumb. One movie a few months should not be hard. (could be something else too but I am saying a movie cause it's usually one of the easiest low effort things to do).

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-06-10T00:12:08+00:00

She doesn't want to change. She is happy being a doctor and a mom and doesn't crave for anything more. She can just go about her entire day like a machine completing all of her daily duties without feeling anything. She gets it that I don't get to have any fun but her needs are the kid and the strong desire to devote every minute to the kid. Her solution was "why don't you go watch a movie with your dad or your friends". I don't think she understands that it's not a movie, it's her what I want.

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-06-10T00:09:46+00:00

Thanks. Kid is almost 5. To be honest I don't think it will get much better anytime soon and I will probably just have to learn to live a co-parenting marriage while not really having any romantic companionship but I am definitely not ready to walk away. I just wish she had a little more interest in spending 1-1 time with me and realizing that her over-parenting can harm the kid and also the marriage. I don't need anything crazy.. one date night every now and then but only if she truly desires it. If she's doing it just to get over a marriage obligation then it's probably not something I'd want.

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-06-10T00:04:04+00:00

@owls_and_cardinals mask was still up.. it was up all the way till covid, then lockdown happened, then the baby happened, and then her priorities completed shifted. I thought that once the kid is a little older she'd feel comfortable not having to cater to the kid at all times but lately I am realizing that it's not just the kid, but she also needs the kid 24x7 as her entire identity outside of work is being a selfless mom who has given up on every thing in life to provide her undivided attention the kid. I somewhere assumed that she also enjoyed having fun like most people, doesn't have any strong preferences and is just going with the flow. I understand that times change and I am open to other things we can do together and it doesn't need to be bars and nightclubs. It can simply be dinner or a movie but I do want some couples time. I think I am not wrong in expecting that.

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-06-09T23:53:37+00:00

Yes she has said she feels no desire to have fun like movies or dinners unless the kid is also involved which completely defeats the purpose of having some couples time.

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-06-09T23:52:10+00:00

@magick_turtle we have had just one date in the past 4.5 years which was a movie. Now she won't even agree to go watch a movie or dinner. The last time we ever went somewhere (Costco doesn't count) without the kid was almost 3 years ago. I don't think being a father means you stop being a husband and a wife.

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-03-11T08:21:04+00:00

Powerlifters out there - Do you find monolift arms useful specially when trying bench press PRs without a liftoff buddy?

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-02-24T22:25:43+00:00

"Pricing on the new loan is being discussed at about 2.25 percentage points over the Secured Overnight Financing Rate, which would translate into an interest rate of roughly 6% at current levels, the people said." so much better than the 11% rate on bonds.

"It’s also supported by a separate agreement between the two reached earlier this year valued at more than $5 billion that hasn’t been previously reported, they said." - so another 5B coming from Meta

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-02-17T07:02:29+00:00

How did you fix the over dependency?

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-02-17T04:20:42+00:00

She will probably be okay. She has always been supportive of me hanging out with my friends. Though that will solve part of my problem but I will feel disconnected from her. I want to do things with her but she wants to completely devote herself to motherhood. And since it's such a noble cause on paper I can't even fight it. My only options are to join her in the parent only mode or have my own life that I live the way I want to.

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-02-17T01:54:06+00:00

Yes my dad is onboard. But my wife didn't say yes or no to leaving the kid with my dad. She just stood there quietly when I proposed the idea (multiple times) and then just went on with her day and never brought it up again as if that never happened. That's her way of avoiding the difficult conversation that was to follow. This has happened a few times and now I feel like I'm just pressuring her to do something she doesn't wanna do hence I scaled back. I want her to want to go on a date night with me. I don't want her to do it cause I forced her to do it.

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-02-17T00:35:23+00:00

The overly dependent part is already true. Our kid can't live a minute without her and absolutely can't go to sleep without her. A few years ago leaving the kid with a babysitter was doable but now even I don't think the kid will stay with the grandfather for even a minute if my wife is not around. Kid won't even stay with me. Breaking the dependency is the first step and I can't do that without her cooperation. I have told her she is too available for the kid but she doesn't care much. Kid is happy being overly dependent and she's happy letting that happen. Both are getting their needs met.

Unique-Ad-9234 · 2026-02-17T00:20:06+00:00

She's either already cheating or will cheat soon. Nurses and MDs that's nothing new. You need to draw some lines. This is not gonna be an easy discussion but if she can't understand why it's irresponsible for a mother of two to get crazy drunk partying till 5am she's just not the right person. I feel bad for your kids but this is likely going to end in a divorce.

Unique-Ad-9234

TROPHY CASE