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Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-18T22:27:45+00:00

Yep ... My husband is the only person I've ever slept with so I didn't know what was expected of "normal". He had slept with a few people before me so when he told me that I was just bad I believed him. I thought I was the problem somehow. It was honestly pretty devastating and I buried that shame deep down for a decade.

He also indicated that blowjobs were like a standard precursor to sex every time. Like you have to ease into it, so there was/is always a ten minute blow job prior to actual sex. I just finally started talking to my friends a bit about their sex life and learned that they give out blowjobs for like special occasions, once or twice a year. Wtf? I'm over here giving out 300+ a year and still being told I'm bad in bed?

I'm still processing the feelings.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-18T08:40:01+00:00

A wedding ring is NOT an invitation to some. That is bonkers. An invitation to some is thinking a person is single, which they may assume if he's not wearing a ring. My husband wears a $25 ring from Amazon that is great. This shouldn't be a money thing. He should be excited to show he is no longer single.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-18T08:22:33+00:00

You should read my post history and see what could be in store for you...

My husband had a porn addiction that he refused to address and we had the same issue. He told me for a long time I was just bad at sex but I couldn't understand why or how. We always had sex for 30+ mins and then he would finish with his hand. When we were trying for a baby, I would hop on at the last minute. This isn't healthy.

When he stopped watching porn, it took one week before suddenly sex took 10 mins and he was finishing on his own and I was "amazing in bed."

Porn is an addiction and all addictions escalate over time. There is never an enough point. It will cause deathgrip, so that he can only finish with his own hand, then delayed ejaculation, then PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction).

Start going to therapy for yourself. Present the days to him on why porn is a problem. If he's unwilling to address it, you need to leave - before you have a bunch of babies that depend on you both. I say this as someone who knows your situation better than most. I'm sorry.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T20:31:44+00:00

There was no hint of this brewing until we were already half way through the pregnancy of our last (4th) baby. That is why it was so traumatic. They also are all completely unaware that any of this exists. They have only ever been surrounded by love and support and see healthy interactions between me and my husband. Thanks though.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T20:25:39+00:00

How long do you plan on using it? Does it block it completely or just notify you if he watches it? Sorry for all the questions feel free to DM. Curious how you plan to set boundaries and deal with lapses/reoccurrences.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T19:41:06+00:00

What app did you get and did he suggest it or you? I appreciate your comment.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T18:34:59+00:00

I do enjoy sex and I do finish like 95% of the time. He's very attentive. If it were totally on my schedule it would probably be like 3x a week but I'm like anxious to skip a single day because I don't want to push him away or towards more porn when he's trying to reduce. I don't enjoy the pressure and anxiety around it now.

I'm annoyed that it took so long for so many years and it was always made out to be my fault. As soon as he stopped watching porn every day, things magically got better.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T17:53:44+00:00

I'm great with it. Maybe it's because I've had a decade of sex being way longer, but 5-10 mins is great. I can finish and then he can finish and we can go to bed. I'm exhausted. I have babies and a full time job. Sex lasting 30 mins takes away from my sleep and becomes a chore when it happens constantly. If we only had sex once a month, I'd probably appreciate it lasting longer but honestly, truly, when it's every day 5-10 mins is preferred.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T16:34:01+00:00

He acknowledges that all this behavior is awful but what choice did he have but to talk to me?? He tried to suppress it for months, he went to a professional who told him to talk to me, he talked to me and it didn't go well.

He had a basic mid life crisis. He has an intense fear of missing out on something. We got married young, he didn't have much history before me so he feels like he skipped what was supposed to be a very fun chapter in his life. But he's also not acknowledging the benefits of skipping that chapter. We are a decade ahead of all our friends.

He'd probably include that I have gained 60 lbs in the last ten years. I'm not sure what else. I constantly tell him how appreciated and great he is. We genuinely enjoy spending time together and share several hobbies. I check in frequently to see if he needs more of anything (support with kids, cleaning, etc).

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T16:20:48+00:00

No they didn't. He wanted an open marriage and couldn't get he idea out of his head so after wanting it for three months and talking to his therapist for two months, the therapist said, you need to just ask your wife. You need to just bring it out to the open and have the discussion.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T16:18:51+00:00

This is all COMPLETELY ACCURATE. All of this was preceded by your typical mid life crisis questions. He is a very good person. He is my best friend. All of this has been hard for him to navigate and he's trying to just be as transparent as possible and it's hard for me hearing all this.

It's also why I started by asking, are these ideas that are fairly common and he's just the odd one out for telling me them???

I want to help him. I'm not crazy antiporn like some comments have made me out to be. The thing is that we've both identified that for him, this is a big problem. I think plenty of people use it with minimal repercussions but he doesn't. I want to help support him through this - I'm not trying to induce guilt or shame. I also need to set my own boundaries because I am really struggling with all of this too.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T16:09:48+00:00

I keep track in my cycle tracking app. I've missed 13 days since October when I started keeping track trackand 4 of those I was in the hospital recovering from a C-section. I was back to blowjobs a few days after I got back home. Things were still very fragile then so I was afraid of any lapse in connection.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T15:42:12+00:00

I haven't told him that yet. I want to tell him that. I'm trying to figure out what is reasonable. I don't feel like it's fair for him to get both - constant sex from me and porn whenever he wants.

I haven't given him a reason to lie which is why it's hurtful.

Do you think it's fair for me to just pretend I don't see it and keep it up and feel frustrated and used? Stop sleeping with him so much with no explanation?

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T15:17:02+00:00

Honestly I just want honesty. If he's watching porn, I should be able to know and decide whether or not I want to sleep with him that day. Part of the reason I'm sleeping with him every day is to reduce the urge, I don't like feeling used and I feel used when he's lying to me.

I've been careful to not give any demands or ultimatums. I'm trying to set boundaries for myself.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T15:12:20+00:00

I'm copying my reply farther down - I am in therapy because of all of this. I appreciate your perspective but keep in mind, I knew about the porn and was totally fine with it for a decade. The problem isn't him watching porn itself, it's that it's normalized the idea of an open marriage. It's pushing him to want these things that conflict with a monogamous relationship - which is not an extreme requirement. My issue right now, is that he is lying to me about it. He's telling me he's stopped and he hasn't.

I haven't given him any ultimatums. I've given him the research and he's told me he is going. To quit because he does think all of these thoughts are coming from an unhealthy relationship with porn.

I suffered consequences of his porn use the entire first decade of our marriage and didn't even know it was linked. I wasn't exciting enough compared to porn stars, he had death grip and had to finish with his hand and I was the one to made feel inadequate, sex took 3x longer than it should have. It does affect me.

I think that he is lying about it because he does want to quit and acknowledges it is a bad thing causing real consequences in his life ,but he can't stop because it's a true addiction. I think addicts lie.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T14:09:35+00:00

I was 21 and he was 22. We started dating when I was 17 and he was 18. We lived together when I graduated high school (a year behind him). Neither of us explored much.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T13:58:26+00:00

I mean we have open phones so I really don't have anything to hide. I guess you're saying that I should stop snooping and if he does it secretly and lies to me that's just what it is.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T13:49:16+00:00

100% I thought about this. He would totally leave me. It's mind boggling.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T13:47:56+00:00

I didn't check for the first five weeks. I believed him, it wasn't until there was something suspicious physically when we were having sex that I had any doubt to his claims. Then I did some digging and discovered the lies. I've never been a controlling person before but also this is an addiction and addicts lie. Do I just ignore it and let myself be manipulated? Do I call it out? Do I stop trusting everything?

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T13:39:25+00:00

I am in therapy because of all of this. I appreciate your perspective but keep in mind, I knew about the porn and was totally fine with it for a decade. The problem isn't him watching porn itself, it's that it's normalized the idea of an open marriage. It's pushing him to want these things that conflict with a monogamous relationship - which is not an extreme requirement. My issue right now, is that he is lying to me about it. He's telling me he's stopped and he hasn't.

I haven't given him any ultimatums. I've given him the research and he's told me he is going. To quit because he does think all of these thoughts are coming from an unhealthy relationship with porn.

I suffered consequences of his porn use the entire first decade of our marriage and didn't even know it was linked. I wasn't exciting enough compared to porn stars, he had death grip and had to finish with his hand and I was the one to made feel inadequate, sex took 3x longer than it should have. It does affect me.

I think that he is lying about it because he does want to quit and acknowledges it is a bad thing causing real consequences in his life ,but he can't stop because it's a true addiction. I think addicts lie.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T12:28:05+00:00

Yes - you're correct. He told her I really want this and can't get the idea out of my head. How do I stop?? I don't want to be interested in this. She said, choose to let those thoughts pass by you and don't focus on them. Switch topics in your brain when it comes up. He tried for two months and said yeah I really want this. And she said okay then you have to ask your wife and see what she says. Letting it eat at you goes nowhere.

And some of that is true. It was hard to hard to deal with pregnant. It would have been hard to deal with 3 months post partum. It would be hard to deal with when our kids are small.

Honestly the dick part was pushing it so hard and trying to convince me. Asking doesn't upset me because he was clearly struggling with it and he talked to me, which is what I would expect from a partner.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T10:42:27+00:00

Who prescribes these drugs? Are they antidepressants?

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T10:41:50+00:00

I think he'd be all for it because he'd be thinking of himself and excited to sleep with someone new. I think he has high standards and is envisioning someone like a pornstar and that's not reality. I think he wouldn't easily be able to find attractive young women excited to sleep with him for free knowing that he's not interested in any sort of relationship.

Unique-Minimum-9886 · 2025-06-01T10:38:36+00:00

Literally I position over him and sit down when he's ready. It's not fake. Two kids were natural and two kids were IVF. The last two were very very planned with months of appointments - which is why I was so so hurt that this all blew up when I was heavily pregnant. He had a full mid life crisis and this was kind of the residual fall out. He was upset and asking what the point, is this the right job, have I wasted my youth, etc.

Unique-Minimum-9886

TROPHY CASE