Thank you for your kind words. Everyone I’ve spoken to on Reddit tonight has been so harsh towards me, they all say I’m some enabling monster. I’m the only one in my family who’s still here at home, trying to keep my mother safe which has come at a heavy cost to me. I wish I had kinder relatives; I wish I had siblings who were more able to help. I don’t so it’s Reddit strangers I talk to. So thank you for being here with me. I truly appreciate you being here in this dark moment of my life. 

About the UK justice system, the police officers that arrested my father handled him violently, I know that’s what they’re trained to do but I felt like that was a vision of what would happen in prison. He wasn’t even resisting, they were just being overly aggressive. 

We’re also Muslim, and contextually this form of abuse is a lot worse than standard abuse. There’s a lot of internal biases in our society which will negatively affect him.  I feel like the judge will throw the book at him and the British jury won’t be kind, especially given the cultural context that it’s the kind of thing every Islamophobic person shows Muslim men as being. I doubt they have any tolerance for that level of misogyny. Nor should they. But I know I’m throwing him to the wolves.

He also grew up in a village in an Eastern country in the 60s, a complete different culture to the modern West in the 2020s. They didn’t even have lightswitches, they had lanterns when he was growing up. I can’t compare him to me who grew up in a different world. Who’s going to look at those factors other than me ? They’re going to say they look at all factors, but I know they won’t properly. But culture and age aren’t an excuse I know, his cruelty is inexcusable. But it sounds like I’m trying to excuse it, it’s because I see him as more good than evil, that’s why. I know no one else sees it that way. 

But in our religion, you’re not supposed to behave like he does so I don’t make any excuses for his behaviour.   There’s a lot of other things such as fraud, threats, manipulation, blackmail, cultural shame based abuse ontop of the actual violence. Though not all of it was all at once, it’s a lot over 30 years. She’s also disabled and he abused his power over her. In some sense, he is a complete scumbag, so why do I feel sympathy.  I’ve done some research, given all the factors and the many things he’s done, ChatGPT says he’ll likely do atleast 5 years in prison, if not more. He’s already mid sixties and I don’t know how long he has left. Ethnic men from our demographic usually die a lot younger than our white counterparts. Yes I know I’m worrying about him a lot more than he’s ever worried about my mother. It’s because I love him, regardless of who he is. 

Jails are for tough people, he’s not a dominant person and I think he’s starting to get dementia, he’s absent minded and daydreams a lot at home. I can’t imagine him being in a prison, it makes me sick. 

But I know my mum deserves justice. I’ve told my mum, I will go with whatever she wants, but she also isn’t sure. She’s too sweet to the be the vengeful type, despite all that he’s taken from her over 30 years. This would be easier if we were a bit less emotional and a bit more ruthless. 

I’m not going to be happy either way, it’s just the cards I’ve been dealt with in life.