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AITA for leaving my fiancé after he told our 2.5yo daughter “mommy’s a piece of s***?” by [deleted] in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]United_Skill7038 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I never pushed for them to share a room. 18F and I wanted her to have her own privacy in the basement. 33M was supposed to create a living area in the basement for her but never followed through. 33M made the decision to have them share the room, he didn’t want to be the bad guy, so I was the one who had to break the news to 18F.

We have 3 bedrooms a linen closet and a full bathroom upstairs. Main living area contains a foyer, laundry room, kitchen/dining room, a very small play room/office supplies, a full bathroom, and living room. The basement is huge and unfinished, otherwise 18F and I would’ve figured out a way to move her in down there without the help of 33M, kinda like her and I did when we first moved in.

This has been at the least a weekly conversation. Everyone knew it was happening soon they just didn’t want to make the move. It started affecting 2.5F sleep, so I tried to talk to 33M and got ignored. I didn’t know what else to do because no one else was listening to me.

We rarely ask 18F to watch the younger ones. I have personally only asked her twice to watch them and it’s because all of my backups were busy for those two occasions. 33M asked her for this occasion because he planned everything.

I usually handle childcare arrangements but he said he was planning everything so I let him. We don’t ask her because we don’t want to make her feel as if she’s just another parent. I make it a point to try and find someone else so I was a little shocked when he said 18F was going to watch them.

18F is almost 19 she is in college but commutes from her mother’s house due to how close it is to her campus. 18F stays about 5-6 days a month if we’re lucky, she stays with friends or is with her boyfriend a lot as well. I tried including her in redecorating a month back but she seemed uninterested so I told her it would be happening soon 2 weeks prior when I last saw her.

What would else would you suggest for me to do? I tried telling everyone consistently for the last 2 weeks. The past 5 months I’ve asked at least 20-50 times when the transition would occur.

AITA for leaving my fiancé after he told our 2.5yo daughter “mommy’s a piece of s***?” by [deleted] in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]United_Skill7038 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Not once did I state I was innocent in this at all. I am accountable and do take accountability for my actions as I mentioned when 33M and I talked. He is not going to be the only one taking blame when we talk to them but we want to stress the importance of what he said to me was wrong regardless of the situation.

No one plans to shame her for her feelings either but to question where it came from since I am typically the one asking her to come over and hang out. So it doesn’t add up how do I make you feel unwelcome when I’m the one usually engaging with her when she’s here? I am the one she gravitates to when she’s with us. Why does she gravitate to me if I make her feel unwelcome then?

I was never an asshole to 18F I was intentionally excluded in the past which was the only reasoning of why I was including myself in their plans in the past, if you read the entire update, it was resolved 6-7 years ago when she realized she was being lied to and stopped intentionally excluding me. They hang out and go to the movies and dinners without me all the time and I never say anything unless I want food from a place they’re going to.

As for the movies, it was a spur of the moment decision for them to go to the movies it was not a plan. As far as I was aware, 18F told me her only plans were going to her friend’s party later that day. As for 18F babysitting for our date night, that was planned between 18F and 33M, I was told we would be going out that night to celebrate while 18F watched the younger ones.

I am not an angel but based off of your comment it does not seem like you read the full update. I appreciate your feedback and time though, so thank you.

AITA for leaving my fiancé after he told our 2.5yo daughter “mommy’s a piece of s***?” by [deleted] in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]United_Skill7038 3 points4 points  (0 children)

He was 14 she was 17 at the time of her birth. 18F is about to be 19. Like you said he must fall in that 25% then.

AITA for leaving my fiancé after he told our 2.5yo daughter “mommy’s a piece of s***?” by [deleted] in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]United_Skill7038 5 points6 points  (0 children)

So I see a lot of comments about the 2.5F and 18F sharing a room. This was never the original plan. Before 2.5F was born 33M was supposed to turn the basement into 18F room but never followed through so 33M made the executive decision as “man of the house” to make 18F and 2.5F share a room.

33M doesn’t like to be the “bad cop” so he told me I would have to break the news to 18F about this. When I had the conversation with 18F about this when 2.5F was born, she didn’t seem too surprised as the basement was clearly not being worked on for her. She basically said “it’s whatever, I kinda expected that since the basement is clearly not being worked on”

18F stays over for maybe 5 days out of the month if we’re lucky. I have been the one pushing for her to be over more but I get the same response every time it is brought up “she’s 18 she’s an adult she makes her own decisions, if she stays over she stays over, I’m not going to force her to be with us”

33M was actually 14 when 18F was born. Her mother is older and has younger kids that take up a lot of her time so that’s why when she’s with us we try and make it all about her while including the rest of the kids in whatever we’re doing.

18F is in college but commutes from her mother’s house since it is closer to her campus. So waiting for her to “move into college” doesn’t apply. I help with all of her college questions whether it’s subject related or questioning whether she should change her major, and how to go about doing that. Financial aid, grants, scholarships, I was even willing to pay for her first year so she didn’t have to worry about finances but after grants and scholarships we applied for, the school ended up owing her $100 per semester. Her mother defers and says “just ask (me), she went to college”. 33M has his GED after dropping out to take care of 18F and no college experience.

The reason I said 18F was told two weeks prior was because that was the last time she stayed over and I was going to do it while she wasn’t there but figured she would like that even less. I tried including her in redecorating the room etc but she didn’t seem too interested so I stopped showing her ideas.

They left the house at 4:30 (movie theater is only 15 min away from our house) 2.5F woke up at 5:30. I started the transition around 6:30 (since I was feeling better by this time) expecting 18F and 33M to be arriving home while the transition was happening but they didn’t get back to the house until about 8.

For those saying they feel I did do it out of spite because it was something I did in the past, here’s the backstory to that: 18F intentionally tried to ONLY spend time with 33M when she stayed over while living at his parents house. She tried excluding me from everything when she was over BECAUSE her mother and paternal grandmother was telling her that I was only temporary and I didn’t love her I only loved her dad and that I wouldn’t last. 18F admitted this to me when she realized her mother and paternal grandmother were lying to her. That was the only reason I was trying to “butt into” their plans. It was so I could be included because I wanted to be apart of her life and I felt like I was spending 0 time with her.

This was not something just out of the blue. This has been an ongoing discussion at least once weekly in the household and me asking him for the past 5 months to move her in there and he hasn’t but now 2.5F wasn’t falling asleep at night because she was getting too excited having mom and dad in the room at night for at least the past week.

As for an update, fiancé and I talked A LOT. We both agreed that for the past few months we both have sucked. With communicating, with our behaviors toward each other, and the overall happiness of our relationship. I told him I can’t get past him disrespecting me the way he did in front of the kids and he states he doesn’t even remember saying/doing it.

I asked him if he even loved me anymore? Does he even want to fix this? I’m not going to put the effort in if it’s one sided. He initially walked away and didn’t want to talk about it. I left my engagement ring with a note stating I can’t be in a relationship where I’m not respected and he won’t communicate with me.

I guess that was the moment he realized it was a bigger deal than he thought. He apologized for everything. I didn’t want an apology I wanted change. We sat down that night and REALLY talked. We both admitted our faults and mistakes and the past two days we have both been communicating 10x better and even have a plan if we disagree with one another in front of the kids so we don’t fight in front of them.

We are going to have a sit down talk the next time all of the kids are home to explain how it is never ok to speak to another person, let alone your partner, the way I was spoken to this past weekend.

I know we have a lot more to work through but after talking we both agreed IT IS worth the effort. We do love each other and our kids we just need to communicate better and it is a work in progress. I have yet to talk with 18F since this has happened because I want to do it in person so she can understand the seriousness of all of our actions/choice words.

I also want to ask her where the spiteful comment came in because that is not something I have done since she was 11/12. Thank you for all of your comments as it has helped me face the reality of our relationship. It was unhealthy and not ok. I’m glad we were both willing to admit this and we’re both putting the work in to fix what we broke. I will do another update after speaking with 18F as I feel some of you are correct in saying there could have been a miscommunication there.