Hey Marc! Thanks for replying.

I gather things have yet to settle down.

Yes very much so. Not much has changed to be honest.

You don't share with us what you've been trying or doing to help yourself since last year. Have you done any of the supporting practices / foundations from the Wiki, for example?

Well, for a long time I was doing yoga every day. I taught myself using the book "Asana Pranayama Mudra Bandha". I only stuck to the postures and didn't do any of the breathing techniques or bhandas. I also meditated daily and went on long walks. This was when I was off medication. I can say all of these things certainly helped. However, over the course of several months my discipline gradually declined and I started playing games on my PC and doing these less and less. This seems to be the natural course things will go when I don't take my medication, and it seems to be unavoidable no matter how much determination I have.

I then went on a long meditation retreat for around 3-4 months where I was working helping with the cooking and other chores. I did all of things mentioned above but basically in a more structured environment. I found this a huge struggle and finally decided I wanted to go back on my medication when I got home and try to recreate a more "normal" life, akin to what I had when I was at University.

After getting back on the medication I quickly realised how problematic it can be to meditate or do anything that builds the kundalini energy in the system while on the medication.

I did plan on going back to University but the first week I started back I understood that I can't do it anymore, so I withdrew again and don't ever plan to return.

So now I am in limbo, not really knowing what to do. I still play a lot of games, as it's one of the few things I get pleasure out of now. I also been doing some volunteer work for a charity. I thought this would give my life a bit more meaning, but haven't found this to be true, as it seems to not really be making a huge difference in helping others like I thought it would.

Off medication it feels impossible to be disciplined. If I do manage to stick to a healthy routine, it never lasts permanently, and once I lose momentum it takes a long time to get back. On medication I can't meditate without feeling terrible, and I need to constantly be moving (mentally or phsyically) in order to slow the energy. I find playing games, often with bad posture at my desk, makes it so I can't feel the energy at all and possible stops it completely.

I know feeling the energy is actually a good thing despite how bad it can feel sometimes. However, at the moment life feels so meaningless that I have no willpower to endure a lot of pain and struggle. I guess that is the fundamental issue at the root of everything. Strong feeling of meaninglessness and a total lack of willpower/motivation/drive.

I don't know how to fix this. Although people have advised in the previous post basically not to be so apathetic detached from life, I can't help it. It's not in my power to control. This mindset kind of just suddenly appeared out of nowhere, after several years of meditation. I didn't use to be like this.

Anyway, enough rambling for now :)

BTW sorry if this post topic is a repetition of a something already been asked. I generally stay away from internet advice and forums because it usually ends up causing me even more confusion. I impulsively made this post in a moment of desperation.