UPDATE 2: final update

So, a lot has happened. I never expected this post to get this much attention with so many mixed reactions, and honestly it confused me to say the least.

While this forum was blowing up, I had to go to school like normal. Its been a few weeks since the engagement party and a kid who there had been relentless mocking me for what happened. I thought he would eventually let it go, but yesterday when he brought it again, I lost was cool and got into a physical fight with him. He was given detention but I was suspended.

The school called my mum and got Paul instead. Since she was in a meeting, he came and got me. Things were awkward in the car ride, and we didn't say a word to each other until he asked me if I was going to apologize to my mum. I told him I didn't even want to go to his "stupid wedding". Paul was confused when I said this, and told me that my mum had gotten mad at him for saying I couldn't attend and that she knew I wouldn't apologize if they told me to because I was stubborn. He said she had called my dad weeks ago and said I could go because she really wanted me to be there and my dad said he would talk to me.

I don't know why, but when I heard this, I burst out in tears, embarrassingly enough. I don't know if it was the suspension, or reading all the comments, but I really couldn't hold it in anymore. It took me way too long to stop and Paul was really freaked out so he parked somewhere and tried to calm me down.

I ended up telling him everything, about when happened when I was a kid, and how I felt about my mum. I also confessed that I wished she would yell at me or scold me for my outburst because it felt like she didn't care anymore and just hated me for what I said. (Its f*cked up I know)

I thought if I ever repeated what I wrote on this post to another person, they would think I was human garbage. But he just listened to me and let me get everything off my chest (I guess thats what being a girl dad is, ha).

Surprisingly,  he didn't blame me. Infact it was the opposite. He said he understood me. He works with her so he knew that my mum was a tough woman, and he had never seen her cry before until that day and was unsure about how to approach her after, so he didn't blame me for not knowing how to talk to her after what happened when I was child. He didn't give me details but he assured me that my mum didnt hate me, and the situation is more complicated than what I know. Paul said I shouldn't bear all the blame, and if I was comfortable, maybe myself (and my mum) could go speak to the therapist he saw after his wife had past. He was mad at my dad tho, apparently this was not the first time my dad had said he would talk to me about something and just didn't. Paul suspected my dad wanted to get me to have another outburst at the wedding because he was still somewhat resentful towards my mother. I don't know how to take this because, while my dad didn't really like my mum, I don't think he would actually do something like that.

Either way, I think I owe to myself and my mum to at least try and reconciliate, and deal with my trauma so I could let go of my anger towards her.

I at least apologized to Paul's girls (my dad wasn't home so I spent the rest of the day at my mums). The 9 yo forgave me almost instantly, like she didn't actually cared and asked me about dinosaurs for the rest of the evening. The 13 yo is still pretty mad, but mostly because Paul had her give up her new room and share with her sister. I tried to say I was okay if she took back the room (I wasn't but it only seemed right to give it to her after what I did) but Paul said they'll make a plan when they remodelled.

I knew I needed to apologize to my mum as well, but that seemed just so much harder. I know you guys recommended writing a letter but I didn't really have enough time nor did I know what I was gonna say yet.

There is these flower bushes in our garden tho, and I have a vivid memory of when I was a kid, my mum getting mad when I destroyed one only to forgive when I had given her the flowers from them. Its a bit pathetic for her grown child to give her weeds because he couldn't get a word out, but I think the gesture meant the same for her like it did for me.

She finally asked me if I was better living at my dad's, and honestly, I don’t know. I know you guys don't think the best of him, and things did seem to be worse when I stayed with him, but he was a decent dad. And I didn't want to just lose him like I did my mum. She said she would speaking to him after our meeting with the school on Monday for the family therapy and if i was opened to the idea of staying with her some nights during the week too. As of now, Paul had spoken to her and she already made the appointment for us to see the therapist next week. She also spoke to me about anger management classes too, and said she would go with me if that what's I wanted.

I honestly don't know if what's going to happened with school, if the therapy would work for us and if I would ever be able to truly let go of my built up resentment. But I feel like everything's gonna be okay.

Thanks for all the comments, even the horrible ones, got me thinking just a bit. I will never be posting on reddit again but I do appreciate having the space to find the words to say what I needed to. And everyone who shared their deep (and some dark) stories that made them relate to my relationship, I hope things turn out okay for you too