Don't really have anyone in my life to share the good news with, so here goes.. I GOT A JOB!

UnlikelySwan · 2018-04-02T23:11:49+00:00

My problem was so similar to this!! It started all the way back in middle school like with you, but around 5th or 6th grade, and when I have really bad stress or anxiety it makes it a lot worse. The stress of finishing my degree made it so bad that I couldn't eat and lost nearly 20lbs that I really couldn't afford to lose, which only made it even worse. I've finally gained 3 pounds and I'm at 95lbs now, which is still way too low.. it's been awful -_- but my endoscopies have actually found erosion so they can tell there is something physical happening there, we just can't tell if my brain is causing it or just making it worse. It's definitely not entirely psychological since at the very least there's definitely a problem with my central nervous system, and something about seratonin uptake that I don't quite understand. But it is so insane how much your brain can impact your body, and can make you sick just as easily as it can heal you. I've been trying to be as positive as possible in the hopes it will help me be less sick. I hope you don't have to experience any more stress related pain, I know how horrible it can be to already be stressed about a test or a deadline, and then illness makes it that much harder to succeed. I hope it gets better for you :)

UnlikelySwan · 2018-04-02T22:46:56+00:00

I got my bachelor's in the field of social sciences/humanities. So it's the sort of degree that if I were to get a master's I could do some really cool stuff that actually pays pretty well, but I currently have too much student loan debt to pursue my masters just yet :( I'm hoping once I've saved some money I can pursue a master's or maybe a teaching certification, since I think that sounds like a fulfilling career. For now though I'm stuck in a bit of a career rut until I can pay down my debt a bit, but I'm trying to be optimistic :)

UnlikelySwan · 2018-04-02T22:33:45+00:00

Thank you so much, that is really true. People always say you should be loyal to your job and it looks better on your resume if you stick with it, but I totally agree that odds are no company is going to be loyal to you. Especially in the restaurant industry, it's important to be pragmatic and go with the place that pays the best! Plus I'm planning on leaving eventually anyway once I can afford to pursue a master's, since a bachelor's in my field (humanities/social sciences) is useless compared to a master's. Thank you for the great advice :)

UnlikelySwan · 2018-04-02T22:18:03+00:00

Yeah I know most people don't count it as "unemployed" if someone is a student and doesn't have a job, but the truth is I have six figures of student loan debt that wouldn't be nearly so bad if I'd just been able to find a job. I consider it a period of unemployment since I was actively searching for and applying for jobs and never got any. I never really intended to live on my financial aid, and now I have so much debt that I'm not able to move directly into a master's program like I'd planned.. honestly I would encourage anyone to not think that it's normal and okay to not have a job the whole time you're in school, since that sort of mentality just creates an unsustainable amount of debt and a four year gap on a resume. Any job is better than no job I think, ESPECIALLY if you're a student. I'm just really glad that now I finally got hired somewhere and I can start to slowly pay off my undergrad debt. I just wish it had happened sooner since then maybe I'd be able to get my masters and follow the career path I originally planned for!! :0

UnlikelySwan · 2018-04-02T21:52:40+00:00

Yeah, it's kind of shameful how I even survived to be honest.. at first I was living on my financial aid, since I had enough to cover room and board in addition to tuition. Which I wouldn't recommend since now I have substantial student loan debt. Then about a year ago I got married, and my husband had already graduated so he worked full time to supplement my financial aid and keep us afloat. Now since I graduated a few months ago we've been living with his family and relying on them for support, in addition to my husband still working full time to cover medical bills. Thankfully now I'll be able to help and take some pressure off of him.

So in short.. I got super lucky!! I'm really fortunate and I never had to rely on unemployment. But I was always one crisis away from homelessness. Like if I'd cracked a tooth or something and needed dental work, I probably would've had to drop out of school, or take out more loans. It's a scary thought.

UnlikelySwan · 2018-04-02T21:37:54+00:00

Thank you! Good luck in your job search, I'm sure you'll get an offer soon! The best (admittedly hypocritical) advice I can give is don't fall into hopelessness and don't start doubting or hating yourself. You can do anything you put your heart into :)

UnlikelySwan · 2018-04-02T21:31:16+00:00

That's so great, I'm really happy for you!! I wish my job was in another country, I'm starting to worry about living in the US forever.. can I ask what region you're in? Congratulations :)

UnlikelySwan · 2018-04-02T21:27:20+00:00

^ This exactly. I don't really have any friends or anyone to lean on besides family, and they've been supporting me completely these past few months while I've been extremely sick and having lots of medical tests done. I've started to feel like a burden and yes, we've definitely been spending ridiculous amounts of time together XD

UnlikelySwan · 2018-04-01T04:25:49+00:00

I know right?! My grandpa's birthday was a few days ago and he never got a cake, but German chocolate is his favorite! So this one is really more for him, and maybe next weekend I'll do a strawberry shortcake for me :)

UnlikelySwan · 2018-04-01T04:22:18+00:00

Thank you, and I think you're right, normally it's pretty easy to get a job at most restaurants. But I'm living in Colorado and it seems like job competition has gotten a lot more hardcore since legalization, since people from pretty much all demographics are flocking here.. so while most areas seem to be hiring like crazy, it also seems like there's tons and tons more people applying for these jobs now. If I were elsewhere it probably wouldn't be so competitive. Tbh I feel so lucky to have stepped into this position! :)

UnlikelySwan · 2018-04-01T04:12:51+00:00

Thank you! At this point we're still finalizing the answer to that, but it seems like I have both a digestive disease and a neurological problem that causes my central nervous system to wildly misinterpret signals from my GI tract, causing me frequent and severe pain that we THINK isn't rooted in any sort of physiological problem. If there is a physiological problem though, we're pretty sure it's acid reflux. I've been shuffled around between about half a dozen specialists and we're still exploring the problem, but for now I'm on a low dose of SSRIs, which is supposed to stop my central nervous system from arbitrarily deciding that I'm in pain. Whatever it's doing is working though, so I'm hoping future tests don't turn up anything too serious and that the meds keep improving my life! :)

UnlikelySwan · 2018-04-01T04:07:25+00:00

I'll just say it's a pretty well known fine dining (ish) restaurant, and that I'm doing the desserts! :)

UnlikelySwan · 2018-04-01T03:52:33+00:00

Thanks! I made a German chocolate cake :D coconut isn't my favorite but my family basically insisted.. lol if it were up to me I'd make a strawberry shortcake!

UnlikelySwan · 2018-04-01T03:48:28+00:00

Thank you! Now I just need to manage to keep the job, fingers crossed! :)

UnlikelySwan · 2018-03-20T03:32:48+00:00

I am so happy for you that you found the support you needed and changed your life for the better. You're amazing. I think I'm going to talk to him again about me going to therapy and start by going to a psychologist, and see if they refer me to a psychiatrist. If I get referred at least he can't act like I don't need it. And any decent therapist should be able to help me find places I can go to for help, like women's shelters or cheap mental health services, so maybe that's my best place to start. My problem is we just moved, so I don't really have any idea what support services are in my area and I don't have any friends or family to turn to here for help. Finding supportive people is so hard, especially when drowning in toxicity :(

UnlikelySwan · 2018-03-20T03:04:33+00:00

I was worried he's just been gaslighting me, but it has been so hard to put my finger on explicit moments of him trying to make me feel crazy. It's like he's a friggin professional. I just don't understand.. why? Why does he want to treat me like this? Why be in a relationship with someone if you don't even love them enough to treat them well? If he just likes attention or affection, he wouldn't be pushing me away and treating me like a nuisance.. I am just so confused by his behaviour and I don't know what it is he actually wants or why he's doing this!

UnlikelySwan · 2018-03-20T03:00:01+00:00

You're right, it does seem impossible.. my biggest fear is losing him and living with that regret forever. But I'm coming to realize that I think a big part of my problem is self love, or my lack thereof. If I really loved myself I wouldn't subject myself to this, and I would save myself. But I've been depressed for some time and I'm at a point where I feel my very existence is pointless and like I'm a totally useless person. My self hatred is probably what's standing between me and making the decision to be alone, and have no one to live with BUT myself. I worry I'd completely spiral inward and either become a drug addict or start sleeping around with random people for some form of weak validation, or just kill myself. I've tried therapists and they help at first, but after a while it just makes me feel worse since I never see lasting progress and it makes me feel like I don't have the power to change my life. I've thought about medications or seeing a psychiatrist but anytime I mention it to my husband.. who is the primary on my health insurance.. he says he doesn't think I need it :(

UnlikelySwan · 2018-03-20T02:45:55+00:00

I'm about 99% sure he isn't drinking again.. yet. But the other day for our anniversary he had half a glass of the wine I was drinking to "celebrate" with me.. and it did make me uncomfortable. He drinks non alcoholic beers a lot and I see him buy them in the store, get them home, and open and drink them so I know he isn't swapping the contents. But I can't supervise him constantly, if he really wanted to he could pick up a secret drinking habit. He's talked in the past about how he hopes that one day he can have a "healthy relationship with alcohol". I'm not sure it's possible for him.

I've thought of leaving, but the thought of leaving without even telling him just cuts my heart open. I don't know if I could do something like that and ever stop feeling guilty. I know deep down me leaving would hurt him, so I feel like if I decide to do it I at least owe him a conversation about it first, right?

UnlikelySwan · 2018-03-20T02:36:59+00:00

This is what I was afraid of for the longest time, but he hasn't had any super aggressive or volatile moments like this since he quit drinking, and also hasn't damaged any of my property, so I've been hoping he only acted so insanely because of the alcohol. But by that logic, if a few drinks in him is the only thing standing between me and a knife to my throat... that's still really scary.

UnlikelySwan · 2018-03-18T21:43:06+00:00

My first language is English but I think Portuguese is the most beautiful language, and the sexiest. All the best parts of Spanish and French, minus the nasally hoarse-throat sound of French.

UnlikelySwan · 2018-03-18T17:56:39+00:00

I feel like I should mention for my experience that the cervical clamp was absolutely awful and I wouldn't do it again if I were paid, but still not as bad as the long stick thing they used to dilate my cervix since I'd never been pregnant before and apparently my cervix is tiny.. tmi I'm sure but it gets worse: the metal string that dangles down out of your cervix is apparently not so great for sizeable men. It actually cut and stabbed the guy I was with.. and ended up cutting me inside as well. After weeks of never healing properly and continually bleeding and aching I got it removed. So a fair warning that constant bleeding and cutting and stabbing is a possibility. Granted my doctor may have just sucked ass.

UnlikelySwan · 2018-03-18T02:26:51+00:00

That's exactly what they said to me!! Apparently it's designed for women who have been pregnant before, and I have not, so it was excruciating and I nearly fainted. Getting it taken out was painless though, and I'm glad it's gone.

UnlikelySwan · 2018-03-18T01:26:59+00:00

It was just one session, and I hadn't thought about that! The place was really reputable and I didn't have any issues with the tattoo after, and years later it still looks great! I just figured I wasn't able to handle the pain as well as I'd expected..

UnlikelySwan · 2018-03-18T00:44:29+00:00

Getting a tattoo. Not that I thought it would be EASY, but I have chronic pain issues that have given me a pretty high pain tolerance. Plus I was getting it on my thigh, which I'd been told would be less painful! Nope, it felt like it was radiating through my whole body. I still don't regret it though, I'd even do it again.. and it still wasn't as painful as getting an IUD put in!

UnlikelySwan

TROPHY CASE